I didn't expect the anxiety to settle in to the cavity you left in my chest. I didn't expect to get so attached either but at the same time I knew it was going to happen anyway, I'd been alone for so long.
I don't know maybe I should have known, all along. the first night with you told me everything I maybe really needed to know, and I didn't.. follow my gut on that. I didn't listen to my own boundary.. am I allowed to get mad that you didn't either? I said it, tho. I said it out loud. and you said back out loud you just wanted your penis in me. and you continued to touch me until I was too turned on. and after enough of no one listening to my boundaries, I don't either. or visa versa I don't know how this got started but I know I was a child the first time something sexual happened to me.
have I ever had a boundary? around my body? who here is holy?
But you were so cute and you kept kissing me and when I said I didn't want to fuck strangers anymore you said you wanted to spend time with me. I believed you. and then I started falling in love with you.
you told me you would put my fires out, and I knew. what you were really saying.
you were in love with me too.
why did you have to ruin that. that was a perfect memory. "it hasn't felt right for a while"
You know what doesn't feel right? Having to educate your boyfriend on how to listen to and respect your boundaries about your body and what you are sexually comfortable with, while witnessing him time and again take what he wants without asking, without clarifying or communicating anything, and then to get upset with you for getting upset how do you get off telling me its my fault you *technically* raped me? how do you do that? I told you explicitly you have to ask before putting your dick up my ass and that we have to use lube. Not once did you ever put in any of that effort, not once did you ever respect me. " It happened on accident and it was fine so I thought it would be fine again"
WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME
WHY IS NO ONE LISTENING TO ME
WHY DIDN'T MY PARENTS LISTEN TO ME
"I'm almost finished" well I'm already moaning in pain and you can tell I'm not at all having fun I'm on the verge of tears and you're literally convincing me to keep going so you can cum, knowing full well that you are not going to do anything for the rest of the night to pleasure my body. But you will let me make jokes about how bad my ass hurts and about how I "wanted it" because deep down we are both feeling awkward. You will let me slump to the floor of the bathtub, my back turned to you unable to look you in the eye, feeling how physically gaping my ass hole is now and scared about the pain and the damage. You will break up with me immediately when I freak out a few days later at you over text. You will deny and defend and wrestle with taking responsibility until you are blue in the face and force your self to tears before being able to admit you know the moment when you cared more about getting off. You will wrap your arms around me, pull me so close our foreheads touch and stare me in the eyes telling me you "love me so much" until I break down and cry and we hold each other and We tell ourselves this is it, we overcome this or we die and we are choosing to overcome this and love each other and heal and I need to trust that.
And three weeks later, after dropping our friends off, I will naively ask you what you want for dinner while you ... abruptly break up with me.
"It isn't fun to play mario kart with you. It shouldn't be stressful. You keep calling it rape and it wasn't. You need to take responsibility. It hasn't felt right for a while. It changed how i feel about you. It just isn't working anymore."
You spoke up for yourself and it made me uncomfortable because it exposes the impact and nature of my actions, and I don't want to face that, myself.
No it wasn't working any more because it was never really was working because you didn't put any work into yourself. I told you I was going to seek therapy and process this with you. No I was never perfect, either, but you expected all the effort to come from me, literally, and you held all of my mistakes against me while I did not do that to you. And it's because you never really wanted a relationship with ME, you wanted sex for YOU. I was never actually a part of the equation. You are just like the rest, an incapable manchild. And I gave you the benefit of the doubt, to a fault.
It's hard not to boil it down to axiom. This is what you behaviors have shown about your underlying psychology of how you related to me within yourself. It's been so hard, for me, to let go because of all the little beautiful moments that I thought were so genuine, maybe even real love. I don't know what to do with those yet still. I may have finally stopped texting you but my heart is so broken and I don't want to have sex with anyone else even though you do not deserve me and you clearly can not value me.
I don't know what to do with all these tears, I don't want to out my own fires out - I still want you to.
but you don't. kinda how we got here. you said you would when you didn't really want to.
you said you loved me, even when you didn't really.
And I believed you.