Yes, I Would Look Better If I Lost Weight

I can still remember the first time I tried on clothes after my massive weight gain. I wanted to cry as I studied the image in the mirror. How could that be me? The image in the mirror certainly didn’t look like the woman I was used of seeing when I pictured myself. I’d always been petite and on the smaller side, and now I wasn’t. I had known that I was gaining weight, but it hadn’t hit me until I saw my reflection in the dressing room mirror. I silently peeled off the dress and put it back on the hanger. I have never felt uglier than I did at that moment. How had I managed to become this?

I hated the fact that I knew the answer. I used to have a healthy relationship with food and the gym before I decided to date Brad. To be honest, I don’t know what drew me to him. He didn’t have goals, a career, or anything that would cause me to pick him over anyone else. We had some of the same hobbies, but I soon grew to hate spending time with him. He always had to win at video games, and he would complain about the movies I picked. I should have ended the relationship then, but I think I feared being single at 30 so I settled for him.

I wasn’t fat when we got together. I had a healthy relationship with food and the gym, but he began pointing out little things about me that he didn’t like. It always reminded me of those movies where the sorority girls circle imperfections on their pledges’ bodies. By the end of that relationship, I was limiting myself to one meal a day, and making sure to never skip the gym. I would wake up in the middle of the night crying due to whatever cruel things he’d managed to say during the day. I wish I could say things got better for me when we finally broke up, but they didn’t.

My inbox was flooded with messages the day that I made our breakup public. My friends were reaching out to me, telling me they could tell I wasn’t happy with him. Someone sent me a picture of myself with him and pointing out how sad my eyes were, but I didn’t want to hear it. Some of my male friends asked me out or told me that I was beautiful, but I couldn’t see myself as beautiful anymore. Everyone wanted me to know that I could have done so much better, but I didn’t feel like I could. My ex had told me that I’d never find a man as good-looking as he was and that he’d been settling for me. He told me that his friends thought I was ugly too. I wish I could say that I didn’t let this bother me, but it did bother me.

For a long time, I kept to the diet I’d been on when I was with my ex, but I took it to the extreme. I was weighing myself daily and crying in the shower when the number was higher than it had been the day before.

My ex kept abusing me through phone calls and text messages. He even found my YouTube channel and commented that I was fat and boring. I had to block both his and his father’s phone numbers, but sometime before that I went to the store and bought a KitKat bar. That’s how it all started, my ex was abusing me, and I decided to give in to my cravings and purchase a KitKat bar. It was the first time I’d had sweets in months. As I ate the candy, I realized that I didn’t have to starve myself anymore.

One candy bar wasn’t going to hurt me, but my new mindset did. Soon, I was eating whatever I wanted anytime I wanted. I also couldn’t afford to go to the gym anymore, so I wasn’t working out. The weight gain started, and I didn’t care enough to stop it. I had once been beautiful and petite, but now I’d managed to make myself appear undesirable or tried to. Men still ask me out, but it’s not as frequent as it was when I was smaller. It’s also not the same type of men. The men who ask me out now are the ones who spend time attempting to get to know me. Coworkers, people I interact with daily. Before men used to come up to me and hand me their phone numbers without ever talking to me. I had always thrown those numbers out, but now that I saw them as something different. They weren’t about the men who had given them to me anymore. The numbers equaled my status. I wasn’t as desirable as I had once been.

During the past few years, I’ve struggled with how I see myself. There were some days that I was so disgusted with myself for gaining the weight. Other days I felt confident that I was still attractive, despite the weight gain. I avoid taking pictures now, and I cringe when someone takes out a camera. My relationship with food is different now too. Even though I try to eat healthy, there are times when my brain tells me that I’m fat anyway, so I end up eating more than I want to.

The body positivity movement hasn’t helped me to see myself any differently, but that’s because I’m not happy with myself. I can recognize that I’m still a good person who is worthy of love and still be unhappy with the way I look. It isn’t because I don’t love myself. I can love myself and improve myself at the same time, and that’s what I plan to do.