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by Eve about a year ago in body
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The rocky path of many

I am a woman, I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a companion, and most of all I am a part of society and a human being experiencing the world around me.

Growing up I had many confusions as many people did, I was a girl in a male dominant family at the time. I observed how I was somehow limited in my imposed abilities. I had always been in competition with the boys. I wanted to belong, I wanted to be respected and not seen as just a meek girl.

As a young girl I learned quickly that acceptance was to be “beautiful” that my body was a tool rather than a personal physical extension of myself. Validation of this would mean that I was successful in feeling loved in the moment, as false as it was. Bought and sold to sick people, I spent my time believing that was what made me worthy as a female. I was told time and time again that my body was who I was and nothing more than a shell to exploit, in trade for a false purpose in life I lost pieces of my soul…

Over time my perspectives have varied but as deep set these beliefs were, recovery would easily be skewed and often in internal conflict. I was drawn to those who utilized me as one would with any other tool, or object.

I have been treated as the stranger to tell your secrets to, as though I am an incognito therapist. I can’t fix you, and no one but yourself can make the changes necessary, I won’t validate you because I don’t owe you my words. Many, too many, ask for photos to prove my “beauty”. They demand, use words like daggers, and lay out guilt to argue a perceived right to see my body, it’s not their entitlement. This is my body and I am so much more than my physical form. YOU are responsible for how you treat me and the things you say, just as I am responsible for my downfalls, except I see what I am in control of and I grow. I am the one in charge of myself and making better choices, but I am not responsible for your behaviour. It should matter what I wear, what I look like, or any fantasy you dreamed up in your mind, I cant and wont emotionally validate you and your sexuality, it is not my purpose as a woman.

Even the medical system imposes the idea that men have the most importance in the treatment of our bodies. That our choice to bear more children is their choice, doctors say “what if your partner wants a child? What if you meet someone who wants kids? What if you change your mind”. Despite any life challenges I may have, it seems as though I am being sold that my sole purpose is to bear children for the sake of what any man in a relationship with me wants. Being a woman does not mean I want the same life that has been expected for decades, though some women do want these things, we should all be listened to about our wishes for our bodies. Men are never questioned about their future when they go to get a vasectomy. What about the children awaiting adoption, whose families have struggles and had to make that difficult choice, or never got to at all? There are many reasons children may end up in these circumstances. Are you telling me that myself or my partner are incapable to love a child simply due to having different genetics? Why is that not seen as an option so I may live without the pain of my health complications?

Our bodies are told since childhood that our bodies are a shameful thing that we should hide but give away when asked. Told that we must keep it in prime to be worth anything, limited options of variation is deemed ok, but that we are unhealthy if we deviate from the 20 pound window of acceptance. Don't be too curvy in the wrong places, don't be too thin, dont have small breasts, don't have too large of breasts, your hips are too small or wide just as your ass has a window of ‘acceptable’. Always being told my womanly body is unacceptable, as though I was specifically tailored for another's eye, and those who are born within that window of acceptance that they should be ashamed for not being woman enough to belong with other body types. Almost like they have turned on their fellow women just for being born with specific measurements, the pressures are endless.

Jealousy is born from the imposing man who contests women with comments that are so overlooked because it's normalized, women compete against each other because we fear we won't be good enough in the light of another woman's beauty. Instead we should light each other's candles so we may see the truth, that truth being is we should love each other, and most importantly ourselves.

It should be a womans choice what she does with her body, if she is a sex worker she should be safe and not be risk of assault of any kind, her work does not invalidate her as a human being. A woman of faith who covers herself isn't a defeat of self respect and womanhood. Women of colour, LGBTQ+, and women all around the world. We all are different in how we experience life, and we are all valid.

I am still learning how to be my true self and not who I am ‘supposed’ to be. I’m learning through each phase of life that my identity is much more than the curves of my body, my eyes, my hair, my clothing, or an ability to carry a child.

I would be lying if I said I haven't been that woman, the woman who is in competition, the jealous woman, the promiscuous woman, the frigid woman, the victimized woman.

I am also the woman who continues to fight, the woman who tries to love what is right, the woman who sees beauty, the woman who is a survivor, the woman who is strong.

My womanhood doesn't make me immune to my mistakes, but it also should not demonize more than any other human being. My mindset has been reset and I am learning myself in a whole new light, I’m meeting this new me. Hitting the bottom might have been the best thing to happen for me to recalibrate my mind and reclaim my vision and voice.

We as women deserve true love, and we deserve to listen to each other and hear their stories and beautiful minds. We are a very important part of society, to ourselves and each other.



About the author


Welcome to my page!

Most of my writing here consists of destruction, recovery and the in-between. I hope that these words will open the understanding of the psyche within.

CW; Abuse, Eating disorders, SA, Mental illness, Suggestive content.

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