Why Not Breastfeed?

I know you want to be helpful, but —

“Why doesn’t she just breastfeed?”

Do you know how many times I have been asked this question in the past week?

Multiply it a few times, and you’ll know how many times my daughter and others like her have been asked the same thing.

You are NOT being helpful.

It doesn’t help in any way, shape or form to suggest breastfeeding as an alternative to formula feeding if a woman isn’t able to nurse her baby.

There are many, many reasons a woman might be unable to breastfeed her baby, and none of those reasons mean she doesn’t want a well-nourished infant. She does.

Perhaps she is a single, low-income mom who has to return to work right away. Pumping breast milk in the workplace is often difficult, if not downright impossible.

Perhaps she is a low producer of breast milk and needs to supplement with formula feeding.

Perhaps the baby has digestion issues that make breastfeeding a bad nutritional choice. Yes, this is a thing. Breast milk is almost always touted as the best food for baby, and it is — except when it isn’t.

Perhaps mother is on medications that shouldn’t be transferred to baby via breast milk. Moms get sick, too.

Or perhaps the infant in question is the child of adoptive parents. Milk-laden breasts are not delivered on demand when you adopt.

Hell, they aren’t delivered on demand when you give birth, either.

I have three daughters. Two of them produced enough milk to feed their children, plus extra.

I fed my children and donated extra to Le Leche League every day, making a 30-mile round trip to do it.

But my other daughter — that 1-in-4 in our family — has always been a low producer who has to supplement. Thus, my frantic searches for formula this week.

She’s not alone in this. No one woman is the same as any other woman in any way. Just because I could feed more than one baby does not mean another woman can do the same thing.

In this, as in so many other areas of our lives, women get lumped together into a “she’s a female, so she should do this, that and the other thing, just like every other woman” pile, dehumanizing us as individuals and categorizing us as some imagined “NORM”.

And women are more likely to do this lumping than men, when it comes to nursing. Judgmental much, ladies?

I’m very happy for you and your successful nursing experience. But guess what? You are not EVERY WOMAN.

You are NOT HELPING by suggesting that breastfeeding is the only way to go. Formula feeding is feeding. This is not a character flaw. This is not a physical flaw. It is what it is — some women simply will not be successful at nursing their babies, for a myriad of reasons. They do not deserve to be judged by anyone for choosing to formula feed their infants.

Parents are feeding their babies. Doing it their own way, because they have a choice in this, just as they should have choices for everything they do.

If you really want to be helpful to a parent seeking formula in these troubling times, look up resources in your area and make suggestions that really address the situation.

Don’t lay on the guilt-trip that asking about breastfeeding can trigger. You don’t know the reason behind the need to feed alternatively, and parents don’t owe an explanation.

Simply understand that parents want to feed their babies in the safest way possible for them and respond accordingly if you can.

Formula Feeding is FEEDING!

Now that I have ranted and raved, here are a few suggestions.

1. Check with area hospitals to see if they have samples

2. Ask your pediatrician if they have samples

3. Don’t focus only on the big stores — Mom & Pop shops and convenience stores may have formula on their shelves.

4. Specialty stores like Bed, Bath and Beyond may surprise you, as well

5. Reach out to area food banks

6. Your local WIC program may have resources

7. Your local Family Services programs may have resources

8. Shop, shop, shop

In the weekend's big news, a plane from abroad has landed, loaded with over 70,000 pounds of formula.

We’ll get through it.

But, Lordy, Lordy, the stress!

Previously published on Medium