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Why Can't I Love My Body?

The Way I Want To

By Katelynn HillPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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It’s truthfully an every-day struggle to love myself. It isn’t because I don’t want to, or because I find my body image to be atrocious. It’s simply because I can’t. Believe me, I try.

Looking in the mirror at my naked self, I can’t help but want to change things. What if I lost 20 pounds, then maybe my hips wouldn’t be so wide. Or maybe my legs wouldn’t be as thick and then I could enjoy wearing a fucking skirt or dress in the summer without my legs rubbing together, causing me extreme pain. Maybe my fat jiggly arms wouldn’t be so massive and I’d be able to wear cuter tops. All this goes through my mind every single time I see my body in a mirror or a photo. I cringe.

My fiancé tells me all the time how beautiful I am and tries to reassure me that I'm sexy, or that I have a nice body. He tells me always how much he loves my body, or tells me that I am beautiful no matter what, but that doesn't change the way I see myself. It's the worst kind of mind set that you could ever be in. Just imagine no matter what you do or how much you try, your mind won't allow itself to change.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I absolutely love about myself that I wouldn’t want to change - my ass, my breasts, etc. - yes okay, they’re the two parts on the female body that are most pronounced and gawked on, but I do truly love what I have in those departments. On the flip side of things, I feel like the negative thoughts out-weigh the positive, leaving me feeling like crap and wishing I had someone else’s body.

Workout you say? Yes. I could work out. The sheer thought of working out after a 8-9 hour shift makes me want to cry, however. I can’t get past the fact I am a lazy piece of crap who would much rather come home after a long day, put on my pjs and curl up on the couch to watch a movie or browse my social media pages. How in the world do people gain that enthusiasm!? Help!

I find the female body to be absolutely stunning. I can look at any woman and think "wow she's gorgeous". I always and consistently find something gorgeous about everyone, but yet can't really see past the negative about myself. Even woman with the same body shape/ size as my own, I can't help but envy them for being able to love themselves - or at least portray to the world that they love themselves. No, I’m not a lesbian or slightly attracted to girls in any way, but I can appreciate their bodies. So why can’t I look at my own in the same way?

I wasn't always like this, by the way. I used to not even care how I looked body-wise. I was so confident in myself because I knew that I had what mattered on the inside. Yes, it's such a cliche thing to say but I truly do believe that regardless of what you look like on the outside, if you're a miserable, rude piece of work on the inside, the outside looks don't even matter. I can sit in front of the mirror during the day, doing my make up and think "I look cute today", but the second I take it past my face and look at my body, I can't help feel ashamed and automatically resent myself for not losing the weight.

By the way, I'm not over-weight, I'm not unhealthy.. I just simply don't look how I want to look.

Life is confusing. My mind is confusing. If only I could see through my fiancé’s eyes, then I would know exactly what it feels like to think I have a beautiful body.

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About the Creator

Katelynn Hill

Hello everyone! I’m a 27 year old female from Canada, who loves life and has far too many opinions / thoughts.

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