What I Wish I'd Said

My shoulder was already hurting from the pull of the suitcase but I was only halfway to the bus station. I did my best to ignore the jerk and tug as the wheels got caught in the cracks of the sidewalk and focused instead on the beautiful day and moving forward. I kept my head down for the most part, but every once and awhile would look into the window of an interesting shop, check for traffic before crossing a street, make sure a passing car wasn’t honking at me, as well as lift my face to feel the sun.

It took me awhile to realize that the van with two men inside had pulled over to get my attention. I frowned, trying to understand what they were yelling through their accents and eventually discerned, “Excuse me, can you tell me which way is Lakeshore Boulevard?”

“Oh!” I exclaimed, finally comprehending. I laughed at the way my heart had quickened and then started looking around. My mind went completely blank. It was a major street and I knew the answer should have been easy for me to provide. Panic grew and I considered getting my phone out to check but I knew they were in a rush, they were kind of blocking traffic, and I didn't want to look stupid.

“You go up and that way,” I pointed.

As they gave a quick wave of thanks and drove off, I realized the street was actually in the opposite direction that I had indicated. I mixed it up with another major street. I raised a hand to call out but I knew there was no way they would hear me. My shoulders slumped in disappointment.

“Welcome to Toronto,” a young man snickered as he walked past me.

Anger flared and I hesitated to say something for a moment but then burst out, “Excuse you!”

He glanced back at me, unsure if I was addressing him.

“Yeah, you,” I confirmed. “That was unnecessarily rude and condescending.”

He turned and came to a full stop, clearly shocked and amused that I would confront him.

“What are you giving directions for if you don’t know where you’re going?” he sneered.

“Why didn’t you step in and say something if you knew I was giving them wrong directions?” I accused.

His mocking smile slipped a little but he shrugged as if it wasn’t his problem and was about to walk away.

“Let me explain what just happened here because there’s something you should know,” I hadn’t moved but my words pulled him back around. He heaved a sigh of annoyance as he faced me again, but conceded to listen, at least for a moment.

“I know it doesn’t look like it,” I gestured towards the suitcase, “but I’m just going to visit my parents for the weekend. I’ve actually lived here for a year and I do know where Lakeshore Boulevard is. However, when a van with two men pulled up beside me, I got scared.”

He rolled his eyes, “Oh come on!”

“Hey! Don’t go acting as if I’m being dramatic! The proof is in the fact that I didn’t move.”

He looked down at me, eyes narrowed, considering.

“I refused to move closer even though I couldn’t hear them because I was worried that’s what they wanted me to do. Tons of serial killers preyed on women by asking for help. Yeah, I know it’s broad daylight, there are tons of people on the street and that it’s very unlikely that they would try to kidnap me, but it doesn’t matter, because that’s what I’ve been taught to assume my entire life. That men are out to get me. You may think that’s ridiculous but all women are thinking about the possible dangers whenever they start talking to a strange man. We are all lowkey afraid all the time and it’s exhausting. And when it does happen, when a woman does disappear, is murdered or raped, then she gets blamed because she was walking alone or she talked to a stranger or she fell for a trap. So, I blanked. I didn’t remember where the street was and I tried to answer them quickly because I wanted to get rid of them before they said something weird. Who should be more ashamed of what just happened though? Me, who tried to help them even though I was afraid, or you, who didn’t bother to help and then made fun of me for trying?”

What I actually said to him.

Nothing. My face went red, I put my head down, and I kept walking to the bus station.