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Top 20 Questions and Comments that I have heard after telling people I was Asexual.

by Sarah Beattie 2 years ago in lgbtqia
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and my responses

I loath telling people I am an Asexual or Ace for short because most people do not understand it or ask me really stupid questions or make stupid comments. So in honor of pride month, I have decided to write all the stupid things that people have said to me when I have told them that I am an Ace and my internal responses. My experiences and responses are in no way indicative of all Aces and many of these questions are actually very hurtful and invalidating. So lets begin with my least favorite and the rest are in no particular order.

“Sexual attraction is a basic biological function that was designed for us to pick a partner to procreate with.”

Well excuse me, Karen, I didn’t think I want to add to the population problem that already exists. On a more serious note, there is a lot more that goes into picking someone to spend your life with, and for some Asexuals, they pick significant others based on romantic attraction. Also, the world isn’t based on procreation. People can be happy without it, by adopting humans or animals or plants. There are also Aces who will go on to procreate because they want to have kids. I find this to be the infuriating thing for someone to say to me because the world assumes me to be female and I do present female most of the time.(I actually consider myself to be nonbinary) I feel like whenever I get this comment it’s a consistent reminder that I am nothing more than a baby maker and it jabs at both my sexuality and my career ambitions.

“So when do you realize that you were into girls.”

I’m not. My sexuality is none. I have gotten this several times on dating sites because they see me in my pride clothing and they think lesbian. I am not in to anybody. I date people because I do experience romantic attraction but that is really random, so random that I don’t even try to label it.

“That’s a shame”

Why? Why is that a shame? Is it because I don’t have to worry about being deceived by your good looks, Chad? Being Asexual is nothing to be ashamed about, we were just made a little different.

“You must have had a traumatic sexual experience”

That is none of your damn business, STFU! Asexuality is just like every other sexuality and you need to learn boundaries.

“Are you an alien?”

I wish. If I was I wouldn’t be having these conversations with stupid people like you. Yes, there is a pretty good chance extraterrestrial life exists but no I am not a part of it.

“Asexual doesn’t exist”

Yes it does. I am here and I am present. It took me a long time until I found my label and a very long time thinking I am broken and trying to fix my asexuality because of the toxicity that comes with this statement.

“But you have had sex”

Yes. Yes, I have. Some asexuals do and some don’t. It is a personal preference. Some asexuals experience a sexual drive and have kinks and partners. It doesn’t make them any less asexual.

“You just haven’t had the right person”

Ugh. This statement makes me want to vomit. I’m sorry but your dick is not going to fix my sexuality. I know I have tried that route before and you don’t need to remind me of how broken I thought I was and how many people think I am. If you have ever said that to a person you need to rethink your priorities and get therapy.

“I think you need a therapist, specifically a sex therapist.”

Your right I do I need to be more comfortable telling people that I am a sex-repulsed ace and that they need to respect that. You need to go to therapy to help with your sex addiction because you seem to think that its the only thing that matters in a relationship.

“It an excuse to comfort the fact you aren’t getting any because you are fat, don’t worry I can fix that”

No you can’t because I have standards and you wont be coming anywehre near me. Second of all I am beautiful, amazing and smart and if you can’t see that then, goodbye. This was the internal response my external was shorter and not approtiate.

"If it is really love you will want sex”

Let’s say this together and very slowly... Sex drive and sexual attraction are two different things. Just like romantic attraction and sexual attraction. People can want sex with there romantic partners and not be sexually attracted to them. Also, some people don’t want sex ever. Period. End of discussion. If you aren’t sure ask. CONSENT IS KEY. Love and sex are two very different things. That is why there is romantic attraction and sexual attraction.

“You are just ashamed of your body”

Um, no I am not. I love my body. Stop telling what I should feel about my body because it doesn’t fit the size that you think it should.

“You must have so much free time.”

We all know that JK Rowling isn't a true feminist but this was too good to pass up.

And you need to sort out your priorities . How much time do you think about sex? Are you okay?

“But you are such a cuddly/touchy person”

Yea, I like hugging people. It doesn’t mean that I am sexually attracted to them. You hug people all the time you don’t want to sleep with like you MOM or FAMILY MEMBERS.

“You shouldn’t tell people that, it will scare away all the boys.”

Listen here I am not going to hide because it makes other people uncomfotable. If he can't love all of me then he doesn’t get all of me. Simple as that.

“Stop telling people that you are an Ace, you aren’t better than everyone else.”

Yea I am, bow down to me peasant. In all seriousness, I am proud of being Ace even though many people have made me be ashamed of it or made me feel broken for it.

“You are just repressing your desires”

Stop telling me what I am or am not doing. It is not your place to judge me or tell me what I am feeling or in this case not feeling.

“It’s just a phase and you will grow out of it”

Uhh, I am actually growing into it. It has taken me a long time to find and accept my label. I am not going to continue fighting it because you think it’s wrong.

“Gross, you are trying to become a plant”

You know that is not a bad idea. My life would be so much easier if I was a plant. I wouldn’t have to keep feeling or keep having to justify my sexual orientation to everyone.

“Sex is an important part of a relationship.”

There are a lot more important parts in a relationship than sex. Things like communication and trust really come to mind, but if you really think sex is that important good for you.

There are a lot of common misconceptions about sex, relationships, and asexuality. Words cannot begin to express how hard it was for me to accept that asexuality was normal and that I wasn’t broken. The day I found my label I was so excited because for the first time things made sense. That every conversation during high school and in college about sex that I couldn’t understand or feel like I could grasp, I know now its because they were having feelings that I didn’t have.

Sometimes, I still question my Aceness or wish that it didn’t exist but I am learning more and more that it is a part of me and that I need to accept it. That there is nothing wrong with me or being Ace. I have found that the biggest thing that has helped is reading other people’s experiences, writing about my own, and being in groups with other Aces. We live in a connected world and that has allowed me to find and follow groups on Facebook, and Instagram. It was through one of these groups that I was able to connect with all Aces Dungeons and Dragons group and they are amazing.

I would suggest to anyone else who is struggling with their identity to find groups of people who can support you or remind you that what you are feeling is valid. If you know someone who is Asexual it’s okay to ask them some questions but be careful what you ask and how you ask them. Being asexual it challenging because sometimes you feel on the outskirts of the LGBTQA+ community. It is also the fact the many people think the A in LGBTQA+ stands for Ally not Asexual. For many, the idea of not feeling sexual attraction toward anybody is so far fetched that they think it is impossible and does not exist. I think that at the end of the day we need a little more kindness and a lot less judgment.


About the author

Sarah Beattie

I am 26 and nothing is going according to plan. The last few years have had a lot of ups and downs as I navigate through a quarter life crisis.

Follow me on Instagram @Beattisa

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