To: You Know Who You Are

Dear Abuser,

In every which way that I try to forget your face, I turn right around and there you are. Always lurking beside me. In the shadows of the night and in the times when I thought I was happy, you came into sight.

Months have gone by and still you walk around this world as if that day didn't happen. Laughing and joking with all your friends, making the most of your life, while I am here, dying inside. Everything you did to me still lingers as if taking a shower weren't enough, I'd have to literally burn my skin just to get the feeling of your hands off of me.

Every day I see you, and sometimes every night in the place where we are supposed to be happy, there you are again. Lurking. Sneaking. Making everything harder than what it should be. Night after night, day after day, I wondered had it been my fault for putting myself in that situation? What could I have done different to not cause such pain?

Then I think, why you? You were supposed to love me and be there for me. You were supposed to protect me and not harm me. Where did I get the lines crossed and mixed up? Where on earth did you think it was okay to do that to me? Did you even think I would be in this much pain?

No. You didn't think about me, because all you thought about was that brief moment of pleasure for you. You were selfish. You are a liar, forever making me think that you loved me. And to think, we have a daughter together.

What happened that day was not my fault. I trusted, and my trust got broken. We as humans can't seem to wrap our minds around the fact that sexual abuse happens more than we think. Still to this day, we get told as girls to cover up, and not to do certain things because being us is the cause to sexual abuse. It is never "let's teach the boys to respect women," but the girls to change.

For those, like me, who kept it in, and might still keep it in and decided never to tell anyone, that was the worst mistake I could have possibly made. I was dying on the inside and thought no one cared. Thinking every day how I just might end it all, feeling alone.

But they did care, and I was never alone. All I had to do was to open up, and speak. Speak to someone you can trust, someone who won't blame or go looking to "beat" him. Tell someone you can confide in always, and they will be there to help you through it.

The saying goes, "May the truth set you free," and I believe it with every ounce of my being. Never in my few short years of life did I believe that I would be sexually assaulted. But I was a victim then when holding it in felt like the best choice.

You are somewhere out there, so when and if you ever read this, it never was truly intended for you, but for me. To grow and learn and to become stronger through the fight.

Now I am a survivor, and choose to grow from the pain and not let it get in the way of my life. No, I will never get those moments back, but I shall make new moments. Moments of laughter and joy because the dark is temporary while the light is forever.