You're going about living your life after a trauma, wondering if you will ever get past what happened to you, wondering if you will ever feel like yourself again. If you'll ever be able to sleep without seeing the face of the person who destroyed you, if you'll ever be able to go out alone in public without being on high alert. Let me just tell you this, survivor to survivor:
Yes, you will. You will be able to return to the person that you once were.
It is going to be hard. You are going to feel like you just can't go on anymore. You are going to be on high alert whenever you go in a crowded or even secluded area. You are going to have nightmares, and some days you may find a trigger and flashbacks will occur. But trust me, you will get past it. What happened, happened. There is no changing the past. We can only focus on changing the present and future. The person who has done this cannot hurt you anymore. Only you can hurt yourself if you let the pain get to you.
No, what happened to you will never completely disappear, but you are strong enough to get through it. Just focus on you, and you alone. Do things that make you happy and make you remember just who you are. Be around those who love you and can support you at any moment that you may need. Do everything you can to not allow that fear to come creeping back in. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are a survivor. Do not ever blame yourself. Reach out to anyone you need to; a friend, a counsellor, a family member. Anyone who you know you can rely on to be there for you whenever you need them to be.
There's going to be ups and downs as you recover, but over time, those ups greatly outweigh the downs, and soon enough, those downs won't feel so low anymore.
You may always have slight triggers. For me, it is small spaces. I was never claustrophobic and now it is like a whole new fear for me that I am still adjusting to, even over five years later. But no matter what, as time goes on, you learn how to cope better and avoid triggers. Those around you will understand and be able to help you get through rough patches. Sooner than later, you will wake up and feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders and you have been reborn.
Just please, keep in your mind that you are strong. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are NOT at fault. And most importantly, you are NOT damaged goods and you ARE worthy of love. Keep your chins up and keep the smile radiating on your face. Find that light at the end of the tunnel and run towards it. Take however long of a time is needed for you to get to a good place again. Do everything that makes you happy and just continue to be yourself. Your trauma does not define you. It is a part of you, but it does not define you. It will be a part of you, and you can use it as your motivation to continue building yourself into an even stronger and amazing human being in this big world. <3