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To The Fortune Of The Future

goodbye to the past

Hi. My name is Kris, and I am going to share with you my emotional lowest of low story which I has given me the kick in the butt to hopefully push me to my highest of high in every way for 2021 and beyond.

Where to begin….

I started school full time (online) for a program that is only 8 months. This schooling prompted me to get a bunch of vaccinations done and since that was happening, I decided I might as well get my annual pap done too. In doing so, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis – stage 3.

For me, “bad luck” has been a running joke in my life. As soon as things start looking up, I usually end up getting catapulted backward and have to begin again. I am grateful for what I have, don’t get me wrong, but the big things like career, finances, and up until now, health – not my area of luck. I feel as though every year I hit my own personal version of “rock bottom” but the end of 2020 and beginning of 2021 was a chef’s kiss to what I originally knew as the bottom of my barrel.

As I said, I was diagnosed with Endometriosis last year. Three years ago when I went for an ultrasound, I was told my results were “inconclusive” – meaning they couldn’t tell if it was because I was at the end of my cycle or if it was a cyst. Fast-forward to last year – I have 3 endometrial cysts on my right ovary. Stage three, which means they are fairly big. I was told to start birth control to control the cysts and stop them from growing and that was that. I’d have a follow up with my doctor and we’d go from there. Well, I don’t know about you, but I hate birth control. Loathe it, in fact. It works wonders for some women, but for others, it wreaks havoc on one's emotional, mental, and sometimes physical, being. For me, it was all emotional and mental stress. I already cry easily without the added hormones, but being on the pill was so much worse. I didn’t take the pill, and because of this, my doctor told me that the next step was surgery and that my appointment will be in the new year.

January 6th – the day of my consultation for surgery. I was dropped off at BC Women’s and Children’s hospital and went in not knowing I would be receiving some super heavy news. It was a really funny but kind of weird appointment. I was told I would have a resident doctor be joining my doctor for the duration of my time there. I am a big medical nerd so I didn’t mind. When she asked him to join us in the Ultrasound room, the first words out of her mouth were “this is doctor ______, he LOVES gynecology”. You could feel the weird vibes in the air – there is nothing wrong with men who are gynecologists, it was just a really strange thing to say.

As they were getting the ultrasound ready to go, I kept telling myself everything would be okay. That I was doing everything I could to take care of myself (I also see a naturopath) and that it would be, as my original doctor told me “a really easy surgery that will give you a fresh start endo free”. Well, she lied. I was told that my right fallopian tube was blocked and my right ovary couldn’t function the way it should during menstruation and that they would have to remove my entire ovary and tube. That news was delivered to me with a smile – a smile of pity, but of an “oh well” attitude. “your left ovary is great and so is your uterus, so I would start trying to have kids as soon as possible because after surgery it will be much harder for you.” Long story short – I am not a candidate for IVF, so the natural way of conceiving is all that’s left for me – other than adoption of course, but that idea of having my own child has always been something I have always wanted. I left that appointment feeling the saddest I have ever felt.

We have 6-8 months to decide whether we can afford to have a child and what we will do. I have stepped back from full-time schooling and am now in the part-time program. This means I won’t graduate when I was supposed to, but I did this to find a job to gain the hours for maternity leave. Finding a job in this climate with my very specific skill set is really difficult. I have always wanted to start my own candle company, so I am working on that as well to try and help out any way I can towards my future goals of having a child. Through hours and hours of tears, hours and hours of trying to figure “it” out – The one thing I could control - my body and my health. If I want a child, I need to try everything I can to have one and not give up. Remember that “bad luck” I mentioned earlier? Well, a huge part of me wanted to shrug my shoulders and give in to what I thought was a common theme in my life. The theme of not being able to live the life I’ve always dreamt of because maybe I don’t deserve it. I hit the lowest and saddest I have ever felt. To top that off, I smoked. During all of this very stressful news and during full-time school – I smoked. I don’t do the resolution thing. I used to when I was younger, but I could never trust myself to keep my own word. I started smoking when I was 15 – I am now 31, going on 32. I knew that one day I would stop, I just didn’t know when or even why I would. I liked smoking. It was my private time to think or zone out. It was my way to be social – as I started smoking so young, that was the associated way to make friends. Which is incredibly sad when you think about it. I spent my formidable years with this gross habit.

Well, my days of smoking have come to an end now – or at least I hope they have. I’m feeling pretty confident about it though, although today has been a nightmare. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it’s a pretty big deal for me. I had a hypnotherapy session to quit and it really did help. I am proud of myself.

Me being diagnosed with Endometriosis has been a blessing a curse. The curse of course is the fact that I may never be able to have my own kids. I may never know what it’s like to grow another human and that makes me incredibly sad. I hold out hope though. I want to believe that this has just been an unfortunate kick in the butt for me to get my health back in order. It has inspired me to quit smoking, to eat better (I eat a plant-based diet already, but now I am on supplements and such from my naturopath to hopefully shrink the endo and to make my body more optimal for conceiving.) and to move my body every day. Things I should have already been doing, but I can’t change the past. I can only change the future, and I feel like the future is a bit brighter every day.

Thank you for reading this. It was really cathartic for me to write this all down, as I haven’t done so yet.

Read next: The State
Kristin McGoldrick
See all posts by Kristin McGoldrick

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