To Texas from Georgia, The Case for Abortion

I really don't know what to say but that I had an abortion for the first time at 26 years old a couple weeks ago. I just want to outline some of the things ignorance that went down.

I am a black woman, educated, teacher. I am also bipolar with heart failure. I grew up desperately poor in Mississippi. This process has made me feel like what the product of a household with a single, black, teen pregnant mom with three kids should feel like. That is, ignorant.

The slew of new age camaraderie among women in sharing their information not about motherhood but about pregnancy has paved the way about the fact that mothers have been lying for generations about the nature of having children for the sake, I guess, of beauty. I don't know. The stories of sudden tooth, nail, hair loss seemed crazy. Even I could not drink any water in the short time I was pregnant. Either way without those conversations, I could not have been more adamant about being anti-pregnancy for myself. I will foster, adopt, teach, whatever but I will not carry a child. This was the first point that made me believe that I wasnt as ignorant. At least I knew where I stood, nope still ignorant af.

The only thing I had done right in this process is get pregnant outside of Mississippi, I guess. In Georgia there are more accessible resources. Not for me though, I had trouble finding a clinic that would accept me for my heart condition. There was only one of two who did and even when I go there they kicked my chart around for the more able-bodied and less risky women. I will come back to that in a minute.

Getting pregnant in COVID times could not have been the worst time to do so. I should take that back. It was not like it was planned. I didn't think I could get pregnant after a massive neglect of my physical health in my college years that led to a lengthy history of unprotected sex. It was my first bout of mania. Then there was another four years of unprotected sex in a committed relationship where at one time we tried to have a baby to no avail. This left me with the belief that I could not bear children. .It could have been the heart meds, a car accident, and the bipolar medication that had an effect but either way in nearly of decade of having sex, no pregnancies. I had even asked to be tested for fertility to which a black woman OB/GYN told me that I was young and I should try first, so she would not do it. Why would I try first to have a baby to find out if I could have a baby?

Birth control was on the list but I kept having to go back and forth about heart meds, bipolar meds, and whatever method. Condoms gave me hives. My period is impossible to track because I only get two each year. I took Maca Root to boost my libido, because it was nonexistent in my relationship. I ended up with a baby.

What does a chronically ill pregnant teacher about to begin her COVID school year in-person do?

I seek an urgent care because I didnt know I was pregnant. Except they are not taking me for days at a time. So I ball out at Walgreens and three tests later I am laughing hysterically in the mirror. I contact an abortion clinic.

What next?

They will take me for the pill but the pill requires that I bleed out for a few hours. Didn't sound too appealing for someone on heart meds. I wanted it to be done safely with a medical professional.

Whats next?

They will take me but with a cardiologist approval for the procedure. I call my cardiologist, wait for a call back, he and the clinic he works for has disappeared. Have to find a new cardiologist. I find one.

Whats next?

He tells me after I tell him I am terrified and do not want the pregnancy that we will monitor things. I am supposed to let the baby grow more to see if it will kill me, get sick, I will miscarry, and then have you decide to abort it when its starting to form a brain? Got it.

What's next?

By the time I get the time off from a COVID classroom, a flooding apartment, and an appointment to get an ultrasound, I am nine weeks. I hear the heartbeat for the first time and I am in shambles. I never knew that a heartbeat starts so soon. I still stick to my values. I seek a clinic.

What's next?

No clinic will touch me and my heart disease in the whole state of GA at all except two and one already said no.

What's next?

I call and make an appointment. They tell me somehow I am clear to make an appointment for 6:30 am. I am the first person at the clinic. For the next 6 hours, women pour in for their appointments. We are all shuffled around and wait for the next paperwork appointment. The doctor arrives at 12 pm, and begins seeing patients. I was the first but at least 20 women are seen before me.

What's next?

I go up to complain. They say my chart is on hold. I say that can't be true I was told over the phone I was approved. They say they have to talk to the doctor. I could have been gone hours ago. I look around at the room that includes terrified teenagers. The clinic has the policy that you have to be alone. I think about the ones who couldn't advocate for themselves, too young to know their own health insurance information. What would they do if they were overlooked?

What's next?

The procedure itself is 10 minutes. They apologize for shuffling me around because I broke their abortion factory line by having a preexisting condition. I get the procedure and am done. There are women everywhere. I saw at least 100 women like me today, in and out. It was like an assembly line.

Whats next?

I pay $566 dollars out of my teacher's salary for the month because if you are a state employee in GA you are cannot use your insurance to pay for an abortion.

What did I learn?

I learned that I had been swindled into thinking that these "choices" were the same for all women. I was also swindled into thinking I knew enough about my body to avoid this from every happening. I also thought I knew enough about abortion and fetal growth and development. I also thought I knew enough about the horrors of pregnancy but those conversations don't even begin to cover what my near 30, chronically ill body experienced in that short time. My health history ultimately guided me in my decisions but also narrated the kind of quality I would be afforded in this process for care. Abortion is not an easy choice but there are too many obstacles that make these decisions the worst and the sloppiest. Maybe I could have had more time to sort myself out to keep the baby. I would have had more time to explore options with my doctors. Maybe my doctor should have stopped and listen to my concerns, talk them over with me. Maybe I would have had enough money if not for various copays and tests.

Instead I had to panic and make the decision right now. My moral platitudes, finances, attitudes, and processing of this experience never mattered. Coming out healthy was never the goal. It was a race against politicians, doctors, my body, money, the law, and time. It was never about me or the baby. It was never about a healthy life for anyone.