Those Not-So-Trivial things people say to women

It was New Year’s Eve, and my family and I were getting ready to head up to my aunt’s place. My dad and I were waiting in the living room. As usual, he served himself a glass of alcohol to take in the car.

I told him I wanted one too.

He stared at me for a moment but didn’t say anything.

I didn’t think twice about it and served myself a glass of vodka with lemon juice.

My dad knew my sister and I drank sometimes with friends and didn’t have any concerns as long as we took care of ourselves. So, I didn’t understand the stare while we waited.

Finally, when my sister and my mom came down, and we were ready to go, I grabbed my glass of alcohol as we headed out to the car. It was in that precise moment when my dad couldn’t contain himself…

“You shouldn’t take a glass to your aunt’s place.”

“Why not?”

“It doesn’t look good.”

I was naïve enough to ask: “And why can you and not me?”

“You’re a woman. It’s different.”

The most unsettling part to me was that my sister and my mother agreed.

So, I left the glass inside the house and didn’t say anything.

Because, well, that’s what I was used to…

Years later I understood that trivial remark which seemed almost insignificant at the time was atrocious when amassed together with a million other similar instances.

As we grow up, little by little, we hear these minor comments all the time. At first, they seem irrelevant. Meaningless even. Maybe at a young age, we hear it, but we ignore it thinking it’s going in one ear and out the other. Not slowly leaving an imprint. Because it’s just the rule. It’s “how things are.”

But stone by stone, these comments amass and create something larger. We don’t realize the magnitude of these moments transforming into self-doubt, diminishing our self-esteem and making us self-conscious all the time:

Should I wear this dress or is it too much? What will people think? Do I look like I’m showing off? Oh, I shouldn’t drink too much alcohol. If I do, these people will think I’m a slut.

But. Wait there.

Don’t get me wrong.

Even by using the past example of my dad, I don’t consider it to be his fault.

In fact, it is nobody’s fault.

My dad, like me, grew up with societal norms placed upon him, shaping his thoughts and actions about the way women and men should behave. And l can assure you he did not intend for his comments to be hurtful at the time.

He is a great dad and would never try to hurt me—at least not consciously.

If you look at it this way, these kinds of observations can hurt men too—on the other side of the coin. For example, “Why are you crying? That makes you look weak. Does your wife earn a better income than you? Doesn’t it make you feel insecure?”

Believe me, not everyone makes these comments with ill intent. In fact, most people do not say it because they want to hurt you. They say it because they believe it’s true from internalizing societal norms.

Sexisms can be thought of as a dense wall of beliefs that divides us and limit our true self. A wall that has been built brick by brick, through centuries and across many generations. Whether you are a woman or a man, you face the same wall.

Feminism is freedom of those schemes. It’s the ax that can break us free from the wall.

Feminism isn’t about women against men. It’s about women and men against societal beliefs that constrain them.

So, what we can do?

Notice it.

In another version of the story, my past self would have chosen not to internalize that remark and believe it as truth. She would have taken her glass of alcohol instead of laying another brick which eventually deepened her wall of core beliefs. By recognizing these off the cuff remarks, and choosing not to internalize them, we can move the needle forward for future generations.

And little by little, demolish the unbreakable wall between women and men that restricts our true selves.

Every big change starts with a small action.