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Things They Never Tell You

Part One: Passing the Test

By Olivia Tucker-WightPublished 3 years ago 3 min read
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May 8th, 2020

It starts out like a normal day. You're sitting on the couch watching Netflix, you're washing the dishes from the night before or maybe you're concentrating super hard at work; your normal is no longer normal after today. Were you expecting a period that never arrived? Have you been trying for years and today is your nerve racking day to test? Or maybe like myself, you had no symptoms at all that Mother Nature's gift was being delivered. Something feels different, something has changed.

At sixteen years old, I was told my chances of becoming pregnant and carrying a pregnancy to term was not likely. My reproductive system was riddled with Endometriosis, I inherited the aggravating PCOS from somewhere down the line of women in my family so I accepted what was early on; I'd be a career woman. I'd focus on other things, I'd travel, a family isn't necessary to feel complete in today's world I'd tell myself. So there I had it, off to nursing school I went.

LPN school was a whirlwind of change. A new relationship, living space, new dreams and plans. It came and went. Graduation day was here and gone in the blink of an eye. Nobody saw Covid-19 creeping up, but I still passed my licensing exam just in time for my normal day to become less normal. Covid wasn't the only thing coming in to flip my world upside down.

It's May 8th, 2020. I woke up feeling a bit odd, not like myself. Today I was expecting my cycle to start which meant I'd be cramping, bloated and craving something sweet by the afternoon. By 3:00pm, the suspicion peaked so I drove to the dollar store to pick up a test. I'd been here before, the wondering of "am I or aren't I". It's been six years since my diagnosis and with different birth controls, surgeries and treatments; these tests have become a normalcy in my life. I expected it to be the same as usual, pee on the test, stare at the lines searching for a positive when there is none and then throwing it out. Test in hand, I walk briskly to the bathroom, open the crinkly packaging, take a deep breath and urinate on the test...by the time I lifted it up to look at it, there sat two very pink lines.

What they never tell you: how quickly the world spins in your mind when you see the lines appear, the disbelief and desperate want to pee on more tests for proof; don't forget the panic.

For me, the panic made me ask myself if I truly wanted to keep this pregnancy since I had somehow convinced myself something would be wrong with it. Which then led to the guilt because so many couples/individuals struggle to have a child of their own but wait a minute...I am one of those individuals so why am I feeling the way that I'm feeling? That led to crying over my confused emotions, thank you pregnancy.

I took my first bodily photo. If this was the one, I wanted to document this moment. I stared at myself for a long while, imagining a large belly on my tiny frame and what it would feel like. I'd turn from side to side to see things from all angles and in that moment I made up my mind; afterall, my boyfriend left the decision up to me. We were going to see what this journey was all about, it's not like it's going to stick right?

Buckle up for part two as I take you for a ride through my pregnancy and more.

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