The Open Letter to My Sexual Assailant

To the guy that sexually assaulted me,

You may not know what you did to me, or if you do, you may not want to admit to it. I know what you did, I know that it was something horrible. You sexually assaulted me. I know you think you did nothing wrong but I see it otherwise. I tried to forget about it, I tried to forgive you but it's so hard. I have said and done not so nice things to you but I felt like it was the right thing to do. In some weird way, I didn't want to hurt you even though your actions have hurt me.

I didn't know what you did to me, well I didn't know the name of it. I just knew that it felt wrong. I think you went through the same thing too. I think you either didn't know what you did was called assault or you didn't want to admit it. Either way, I get it. I think in some small way, you thought you were showing me love and attention even though that love and attention was wrong.

You may not know what sexual assault is, so let me fill you in. Sexual assault is when there is a sexual touch or act that is performed on a person without their consent. You may want to deny it but I said that what you did to me felt wrong and that's not consent. When I told you "this feels wrong" you told me that it was ok.

I thought so many times of not doing this post but it may help others. It's also healing and therapeutic for me to write this. Being someone who has sexually assaulted someone is hard IF you have a conscience and are aware of what you did, but being a victim or survivor is so much worse. I have to go through waves of emotions and bad thoughts. One minute I want to be your best friend and the next minute I want to hurt you. I also go through times of joy and wanting to be touched, but the next minute I don't want to be touched and I'm having a panic attack. The panic attacks are never fun.

I'm living in a weird version of a nightmare. I do blame you for what you did but I'm trying to deal with it. I got a sexual assault survivor tattoo on my rib cage as a way to deal with this. The tattoo was painful but so is my emotional pain.

This post was so clear in my head but now that I'm writing it, it feels like I'm mumbling or rambling on. It's so hard to explain to someone how they have hurt you and how they have changed your life. Now I'm thinking about helping girls or women who have been through what I have been through, what you put me through, so in a way ,what you did has come full circle. I'm still scared and confused but I know I'm not alone.

I hope one day we can talk and that we can understand each other. I do understand that for now we may not need or want to talk to each other, but one day maybe we can. I hope you have made some sense of this. This wasn't an attack but a way to heal and to maybe help others.