“The Nature of the Photos”

"We can't do anything based on the nature of the photos taken," the woman said on the phone, her voice strained. Almost like she didn't want to say it. "I'm sorry."My insides fell to the floor. I had stepped out of a managerial meeting to take this call, this call that would let me know if my rapist would get what he deserved. Instead of reassurance, instead of knowing things were going to be okay, I find out what happened wasn't credible. I had left work shortly after getting that call.

A few weeks prior, I had decided to do something I had never done. I wanted to do a boudoir-styled photo-shoot, I felt pretty and wanted to have pictures to send to my partner for Christmas. Pin-up styled pictures always made me happy, I love Betty Paige and have several books on the style at home. So, I started a thread in a social website I'm on asking if someone could help me.

It didn't take long for messages to come in, most people didn't even have portfolios, a lot just wanted to bang. I didn't want sex, I wanted these pictures. Could some level of fetish be done in these pictures? Of course, but no sex. Someone finally seemed kind enough, and had a small portfolio and so I agreed to make arrangements with him.

He was going to pay me for the photos he took of me, treating me like a model, and we talked on the social media site and over text about what I was looking for and what wasn't okay. At no point did he ask for anything sexual, just asked what things my partner and I were into...supposedly to get a better feel of how he wanted me to pose.

We met. It was in a small hotel, which made me a bit worried but I ignored that. Lesson 1: Do not ignore your instinct, it's there for a reason. I went into the room, got into the lingerie I had brought and a few photos were taken. At one point, he put a make-shift blindfold on me. Not a big deal, I have seen fetish photos of girls in blindfolds and they turn out very pretty. Things got out of hand after. He had me crawl on the bed toward him, so he could take pictures of me crawling...and...that's when the first problem happened. He grabbed the knot of the fold and pulled my head down and had me give him head. I'm not sure how long he was manually bobbing my head up and down, but I do recall it making me dizzy. Timing becomes a blur here, and this is the problem I had when I talked to the police. At some point he raped me. I never said it was okay, he never asked, I was in shock and didn't move. My brain was telling me over and over, "You won't get hurt if you just hold still. He'll let you go if you let him finish." So I did.

It took me two days to go to the police, and I needed a friend with me. We had to go to three different stations because you have to go to the one in the city of the incident. Three separate times I had to say, "I need to report a rape." Everyone seemed concerned for me, except the last place I went. I had to use a little phone to call the dispatch office for someone to meet with me, the guy on the phone (I had talked with females until this point) had asked, "Why did you wait if you were raped?" his voice skeptical.

The office to talk to me was a female. I told her everything that happened, everything I wrote here. What the photos were, why there were being taken, gave her the phone so she could copy the messages. Went to the hospital and got poked and prodded with Q-tips. I did everything that we're supposed to do when assaulted. I felt like I did everything right. It was hard, I was broken, but I did it. I did the hard thing and told someone fairly soon after. Literally just two days after, that's amazing in some people's eyes.

I was at work, in a meeting with my boss and the other leads as we do every day, when I got the call. The lady on the end of the phone, she sounded heartbroken. Apparently the rapist would only talk to male officers, and they deemed that...that due to the "nature of the photos" there was no assault. No rape. That even though I didn't consent, it didn't matter. How absolutely Earth-shattering it is to know that, even in 2017, what actually happens doesn't matter. That all that matters is how things appear.