The Ladybug 🐞

Let’s go back to the week after Christmas. I felt a slight change in my body that had me a bit nervous 😬 . I was sleeping more than usual, I really thought it was work because when the holidays comes it can be chaotic. So I decided that maybe it’s time that I took a pregnancy test, because I knew that was one of the signs of my increased fatigue. Three test later I was IN FACT pregnant 😳 ! Now another thing I noticed around the same time that I ignored at first was this ladybug 🐞 on my wall in my room. I looked up the meaning for it. My findings stated that ladybugs are a symbol of luck (which is like the stereotypical meaning we are mostly raised upon), protection (new to me 🤨 ), and the kicker: NEW LIFE! I dropped my phone 📱 and immediately was shook. The signs were there I just never saw them. I really had to take a moment and figure out what to do.

Let’s fast forward to after New Years. I was on edge still about my pregnancy and just wanted it to be a bad dream. I looked down at my belly and saw that this is real. I knew deep down I wasn’t ready to be a mother yet. I felt so ashamed, because I still had so much to accomplish. I’m most can’t keep it, and before you judge my next decision hear me out on it. I just moved into my new place not too long ago, I started a new job not too long ago as well, didn’t have any extra funds saved up, and another kicker the father was and still is unease about it. So what was my decision you may ask? I was going to get an abortion. I know there are mixed views and opinions about this topic. I felt totally ashamed in myself for even having this thought, but I panicked. Nonetheless I really didn’t want to go through another hurdle, because I honestly didn’t think I was fit for the role of motherhood. At the same time I knew this would stick with me FOREVER, knowing that I had life growing inside me and I took it away. I had nightmares of what could all go wrong.

The day of my appointment to the abortion clinic I definitely felt sick to my stomach. I haven’t felt like that in so long. It was a very cold day...very gloomy outside...which matched how I felt on the inside. I just felt so ashamed and wanted to hide from the world. I knew that I was going to do the unforgivable. In my heart I really didn’t want to go through with it, but I was thinking about more than myself. You see I was thinking about not having to bring an innocent child into a life full of struggle, I was thinking about not going through the whole co-parenting situation with the father (yes we aren’t together never was), and last but not least I know I wasn’t ready. After filling out paperwork and sitting in the waiting room, my heart was racing. I honestly felt like my heart was going to come out my freaking chest. I wanted to vomit. I broke out in sweats and chills. I just knew it was so wrong. I sat with my head down 😔 . I looked up and I saw other young women there, the waiting room definitely was filling up quickly....I looked around the room trying to imagine their stories. I was just amazed with the number of women I saw in there. I had a slight thought of maybe this isn’t a bad decision at all, that I wasn’t alone, that they were probably going through the same thing I was having the same thoughts. My name was called to go to the back and my heart started to race again. I took that walk of shame at last. The nurse greeted me and asked how was I doing ( a freaking joke right?) and I was honest. I’m not okay. She nodded. I needed a moment so I stepped into the restroom to take deep breaths. I walked out into the room where she was with the ultrasound machine. My stomach was in knots. She finally gave me my results and said well you’re 28 weeks along. My heart DROPPED! And tears formed in my eyes. I was in such disbelief. She asked did you not know, I responded NOT AT ALL. I got estimates of 12-13 weeks. Never saw that coming. Once she finished up I ran back out to the restroom to cry my eyes out. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to the father, I didn’t know how I was going to tell my mother, I just didn’t know what to think of this AT ALL. Just wanted someone to wake up from this bad dream.

Another nurse sat me down in the office to comfort me but it only made my tears overflow even worse. She asked me what are you planning on doing I said I’m not sure. She gave me a number to reach out to an organization that could assist with out-of-state abortions, due to the fact I was more than the state legal timeframe to do the procedure. At this point I just wanted someone to hit me repeatedly in the stomach with a bat. I was so distraught, confused, and scared. She asked if I wanted a copy of my ultrasound, I said yes. As I waited in the waiting room more women had showed up, and I looked around the room and saw two of them that were called before me from the first time. This time they looked lifeless and almost zombie-like. I was cringing, I had a slight sense of relief because I honestly didn’t want to go through with it. Now I have a can of worms to unveil to the father waiting downstairs for me.

I got in the car and showed him the ultrasound. His eyes grew 3x their normal size. I started to cry again. I couldn’t look at him, I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t form words. I sat there and cried. I know that’s not what he wanted, it wasn’t want I wanted either, but now it’s bigger than the both of us. We rode in silence for a minute.... I broke the silence by saying I really don’t know what to do. The only other option I had was getting an abortion out of state. He told me to consider it, but that was it! I just couldn’t! I didn’t respond I looked out the window and cried, because I knew that I had to do what was right for me, my conscience, and my child. I knew then I was going to keep it. I looked at this as another sign, as another blessing nonetheless. When we got back to my place I hugged him, and he hugged me back tight as ever. He feared my mother would kill him, but I was the one who had to break the news. I opened the door, and my mom was like what happened. Tears filled my eyes and I finally broke down and hand her my ultrasound. She shouted.... YOU’RE PREGNANT?! I nodded. She thought I been knew, but honestly didn’t know I was 7 MONTHS PREGNANT!

Who would have thought I would be pregnant. That I’m really about to be someone’s mother. That sadness and guilt turned out to be joy. Seeing my mother happy about it made me feel warm inside. I felt that everything will be okay. Later that day the father texted me, he still was distraught and was like as much as I hate this it’s bigger than me now. He didn’t want to be a father again, and I understood that. This was bigger than me too, but he didn’t understand how I felt in the first place and wasn’t trying to understand how I felt about the abortion idea. He even asked if I still wanted to do it?! ABSOLUTELY NOT! This child was placed in my life at this moment for a reason. This was a blessing.....MY BLESSING nonetheless. Some days went by and I just really sat back to take this all in. I’m really about to be a mother. I have someone I can give all my love to, someone to love me back unconditionally, someone that’ll be there when others are not. I won’t ever feel alone anymore. That for once I have happiness again.

The ladybug 🐞 is still in my room watching and protecting us, until I bring baby girl into the world. Yes, I’m having a sweet little girl! I prayed for it and got it! How the father feels about it? Well it’s neither here nor there just know it’s a work in progress, but he’s coming around. I trust that God will take care of that, as he done for me all this time. He has given me a new roof, new job (even in a pandemic), food to eat, running water, heat, light, and now blessed me with NEW LIFE. I thank him each and every day for his blessings he has put upon me. I know without him I would be nothing. So thank you Lord for blessing me with Nalani Angel Rose, MY STRONG WARRIOR QUEEN coming 03/26/21!!!!!