The Journey to Self Love

It’s morning and after eating breakfast and getting dressed I head to the bathroom to shave. Not my legs, not my underarms, but my face…

This has been my morning routine since I was fifteen years old and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, otherwise known as PCOS. A condition that reportedly affects more than 200,000 women each year in the United States alone.

For anyone unfamiliar with the disease, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome is a hormonal disease that causes the ovaries to enlarge and small cysts to form on the outer edges of them. Completely harmless and nonlife-threatening, the disease comes with a long list of symptoms including irregular periods, and an excess of the male hormone, androgen.

When I was fifteen years old, I still hadn’t gotten my period and when I told my mother about it, we both agreed that the best thing to do was make a doctor’s appointment. After a round of tests, it was finally confirmed: I had PCOS. For years afterward, my doctor kept wanting me to try drug after drug in the hopes that hormones would balance out and my periods would restore to normal, but Metformin only made me sick and birth control pills; while they did work, gave me excruciating cramps and my periods were so heavy that I times I thought was bleeding to death.

So I stopped taking all medication, my periods dried up, and then the depression set in.

As a teenager and young woman, all I wanted to do was fit in and be like all other “normal” women. I wanted to be able to get out swim class and complain to my friends when Aunt Flo came for a visit every month. Instead, I withdrew from my friends and social activities. Above all else, I ate and I ate and I gained more than 200 pounds which doesn’t help my diagnoses any.

Several years ago, I got an unexpected surprise when my period started and every year for the past 3 years or so, I’ve had a period every month. Don’t be fooled, however. I still have PCOS. That’s not something that just magically goes away…no matter how much I wish that were the case.

While Aunt Flo visits once a month, her visits can either last the standard seven days, or they could be shorter or longer. My longest period to date lasted fourteen days and I thought it was never going to end.

As my thirtieth birthday approaches this upcoming January, I find myself thinking a lot about my life and what I’ve had to go through to get to where I am today. I used to think that that this disease was a curse, but in a weird way, it actually turned out to be a kind of blessing. You see, PCOS doesn’t just happen to obese women, it can happen to all women no matter their size or the color of their skin and just because none of the treatments my doctor prescribed to me didn’t work, doesn’t mean that they won’t work for you.

I used to feel hopeless that I would never be able to have children, but there are so many children in the world that need homes that when the time comes and I think I’m ready to become a mother, I can always adopt or become a foster mom. I used to let PCOS let it define me, but now I embrace it. I don’t mean that I blast it to anyone and everyone who will listen, but I no longer let it define me.

And you shouldn’t either.

And know that you are not alone.