The Horrors of PMDD

When I first learned about PMDD, which stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder, it was introduced to me in a pharmaceutical commercial. I honestly thought that they either created this as a made up disorder or a heightened version of PMS to sell their drugs. Als, when I first learned what PMS was, it was by a girlfriend at camp who told me it gives you cramps and lowers your mood right before you get your menstrual cycle. I honestly was not worried and I thought it would never affect me like it was some rare thing. What I didn’t know was that I would be rudely awakened by the strongest affects of PMDD symptoms.

It started when I was 16 and kept getting stronger every year. By 18, I was in so much emotional pain and then later on, it would affect me physically. Every time right before I would get my period, I would feel like the world was coming to an end. I had suicidal ideations and I never had them before or when I wasn’t getting my period. I would only feel like I wanted to die the day before my period then when I got it, I would still be very depressed but with a huge relief from my suicidal thoughts. Then when my period was over, I can feel anywhere from relieved to really happy, content and ecstatic.

But unfortunately, my suffering wouldn’t stop with my depression during my period. I would also feel angry, irrational, and irritable. But it didn’t just give me psychiatric symptoms. I had huge physical ailments as well. For one thing, I would get painful mouth sores every time I got my period plus cravings and acne. I also felt like my body was on fire, weak like I had the flu and I felt like someone was pinching or squeezing my stomach. I couldn’t even sit up straight. The symptoms would start ten days before my period. Sometimes I would be more and I felt like I was suffering for three weeks out of the month.

I would feel overwhelmed and super productive during the time when I didn’t have my period. I felt stressed then because I felt like I had to overcompensate for the lack of productivity I had up to three weeks of the month. I had crazy crying spells out of nowhere and like I said before, intense cravings. I caused huge fights with people for no reason at all or irrational reasons. I honestly felt like an alien. I didn’t feel like myself or like a functional human. I also felt like I was resetting every time my period was gone like whatever help I was using for my period depleted me afterwards.

I have lost friends over this and family members. I’ve lost my appetite and stopped eating during my period even though sometimes I had strong cravings for chocolate and such. I’ve ruined romantic relationships, missed a lot of school and couldn’t hold a job. I was also talking but I was not making a ton of sense. I was embarrassed when I wrote a paper for a political class that didn’t make any sense. I got offended when my teacher asked (because my essay made no sense) if I was bilingual and if English was not my first language. It’s kind of funny looking back on it but I was really offended at the time.

I lost a whole group of friends.I became either so removed and detached or so needy and clingy. Sometimes I would isolate on purpose so I didn’t cause harm to people which would make me lonely. I’ve been blocked more times than an embryonic stem cell research bill because I was irritable and writing things that made no sense..

I did everything I could possibly do to help myself. I saw every specialist and spent hundreds of dollars because it was such unique specialists that they didn’t take insurance. I had to give up my dog because I was in too much pain to walk it everyday and take care of her or give it the love she deserved.

I saw psychiatrists and therapists. I feel like my whole twenties I was suffering. I tried many forms of hormone pills and birth control. They wanted me to go on Lupron which would give me an early meta pause so I wouldn’t get my period. Everything was so extreme.I felt unhealthy doing so and I didn’t want the hot flashes. I tried not eating dairy because I read everywhere it would help but it didn’t. I belonged to many PMDD groups on facebook for support, guidance and to know I was not alone. They helped extremely. I reminded myself that I was not alone when I felt my worst.

I self medicated before I was diagnosed with drugs and alcohol. I ended up in the hospital twice for over drinking.

I tried many different types of birth control that made me feel worse like I was getting my period everyday. It’s hard to explain but I felt like my body was being torn in half. I saw top gynecologists and reproductive endocrinologists. I saw a specialist who I paid a lot of money for who just told me to do aerobic exercise for thirty minutes a day and that would help.

I learned through lots of reading and research that I didn’t have a hormonal imbalance but my body didn’t respond well to my own hormones. I felt that if I couldn’t handle my own hormones, I wouldn’t be able to handle synthetic hormones with birth control I had a history with just that fact so I wasted years not being on birth control which ultimately the right one for me saved me. I thought sometimes that I had endometriosis which I would tell people I had because I sounded more serious to me. I felt like people took it more seriously when they heard the word endometriosis. It sounded more serious to the situation than the acronym, PMDD. Endometriosis is a condition resulting from the appearance of endometrial tissue outside the uterus and causing pelvic pain. I knew I didn’t have it when I took a sonogram. But even that wasn’t completely self assuring. What made it clear was when birth control took out my PMDD and solved he physical pain. My IUD also caused pelvic pain.

I was scared I’d have to get a full hysterectomy and take out my uterus. I was also really scared of pregnancy hormones. A hysterectomy can give health issues and isn’t guaranteed to fix the problem. I wouldn’t be able to have my own kids I was suffering so I could have a future child.

Men didn’t understand this disorder and women did but since they mostly suffered minimally from PMS they would say they knew what I was going through and I should tough it out. But they had no idea of the severity of my issues.

I finally spoke to a very good gynecologist and she gave me Yas, which is the leading birth control for PMDD. At first it made me more depressed but she told me t stick it out and then to skip the white pills which would give me my period So, I haven’t gotten my period or its symptoms for over a year. I just have to deal with the ups and downs with coming off a lot of my antidepressants

A lot of times Benadryl helped my mood on my period and calmed me down.

I hope I helped other people with this disorder through my writing. Please email me at [email protected] with any further questions. I am not in place or professional help and if you are suffering, please get some professional help.

What else helped me was watching or binging funny things when I was isolating or not. I would set reminders on my phone to remind myself life isn’t as bad as it seems. I’m just on my period. I had Pinterest boards that I set to private and that I would look at during my cycle with helpful sayings or funny things. I avoided contacting certain people during my cycle.

Art therapy, aromatherapy, light therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavioral therapy really helped. I bought a special light for light therapy that was recommended by a psychiatrist. CBT or cognitive behavioral therapy helped me to realize things weren’t black and white or that I was catastrophying things in my head when I got my period. DBT or dialectal behavioral therapy helped to explain my thoughts rationally. I wrote in a diary or had DBT diary cards to practice what I was taught. I kept a period app to log in my symptoms to see if they improved or worsened and so I can calculate when my period was and when I would feel bad so I could plan accordingly.

They should have time off like they do in Europe when you have your period or have you go on disability. I didn’t know until after the fact that they had disability at my school which allowed some time off.

Thanks for listening to my story. I hope I explained it well to the population and their understanding. I also hope I helped women with PMDD.