The Fears of an Indie Artist

Someone in the industry told me that a plus-size female singer will never make it. But I still keep pushing and putting out new music. THOUGHTS in my HEAD. If I post an indecent photo revealing my derriere to get attention, would more people listen to my music? THOUGHTS in my HEAD. As an artist, I want to be more open and honest and not overthink my posts but society has taught me that being TOO open could backfire on you. THOUGHTS in my HEAD.

I honestly don't even know where to begin, but I guess I will start with the feelings that I am currently feeling right now. I just recently released my second single on all digital music platforms and the title doesn't matter because this post is not about promoting my music. It just helps to give the background that you need for the setting of this blog. I am an independent artist, which means that I finance everything about my art on my own, from studio time, promotion, marketing, production costs, to wardrobe, and the endless list continues. This ISH is HARD!!!! I know that the easier route would be to just give up on my dream and focus on just surviving LIFE like most people. Focus on my career in education and just settle in on my family life. But my inner child won't let me. I've had this dream ever since I was five singing along to my favorite artists in front of the TV with my brush in hand. This is what I've always wanted.

Being a creative person means that your mind is constantly on a hamster wheel 24/7. Like I mean a thought will have its own THOUGHTS sometimes. Even when you're sleeping, you're dreaming about your next project or task that you have to complete. Then, if you're a multitasker like me, it can get even more complicated. I like to sing, write songs, poetry, short stories, paint, color, draw, and sculpt. So imagine when I'm thinking of my next music project. I start to think of the message that I want to portray in my music. Then I start to write the lyrics and as the words come to me then I start to see little flashes of images that would go with the words that I am creating. Then those images turn into pictures in motion, and now I am thinking of my visual to go with my song. Then the colors of the outfits and mood start to enter my mind as well. Ugh! This is just never ending. The wheel just keeps spinning, and although I live in such a bright and vibrant city (which is a major part of my influence of music and who I am today), it is also one of the most expensive to live in. Every month I find myself battling between financing my livelihood or financing my dream. And most of the time, my livelihood wins because I don't want to be on the streets and I realize that my choices affect my household. I create on a daily basis, but living out and following through to the visuals has always been something that has hindered me. My creative juices flow and I'm brought to a halt when it is time for me to show my full self. My full BODY. I can blame it on society. (Yeah.) I can blame it on all the guys who broke my heart. (Definitely yeah.) Or I can blame it on the sarcastic remarks about my body from my relatives that I have been hearing my entire life. (We all have them, the ones who say their first thoughts without thinking twice.) In order to still be able to talk to them, still to this day, I have to believe that they thought somewhere in their mind that they were helping me, right???

My body insecurities only enter my mind when dealing with "things of the industry." When I have to stand next to the thinner girls in the room, I always question myself. Would I get put in front of the camera more if I was smaller? Would I be considered for more gigs? I take a deep breath and tell myself, "You're here for a reason, they had to invite you for a reason right?" It can't be to make the other girls look even better? But then I have to hold myself accountable, too. I only post myself from the waist up in fear of what the world would say in my comment section. Damn. And I know what you're probably thinking, "Well, maybe if you don't have the thick skin for this, then maybe you shouldn't pursue it," and in a sense that may be true. But my love for music and creativity is the thing that empowers me throughout the day. You ever had that one thing that could make you laugh no matter how angry or sad you were feeling? Or that thing that makes you excited about your future? This is what music does for me. Music is my LIBERATOR. It has saved me from feeling a lot of bull.

Having to Take on the Bull

My life hasn't always been easy, but over time, I have come to accept my past because it made me into who I am today...

Come back on Wednesday, February 20th to read about all the bull I went through in my life, and how I used my music to channel these painful emotions.

Thanks for reading!

-xo Nina