Tea and Coffee

The following content is intended for mature audiences as it has heavy and vivid detail regarding sexual-assault experiences.

Those who read are suggested to be prepared for heavy and vivid detail, and are recommended to stop reading if they become overwhelmed.

Sammi

"Men are learning to have false ideas about masculinity and women are learning to be submissive."

I had just turned fourteen.

"Sexual assault: sexual harassment, unwanted sexual contact, child sexual abuse, incest, and rape; sexual contact becomes assault when a person is unable to or does not consent to an activity."

I was going into my freshman year of high school and I had the biggest crush on this boy, Anthony.

"Rape: crime of aggression, power, and control in which one person forces, coerces, or manipulates another person to have sexual intercourse without their consent; includes vaginal, oral, or anal penetration by any object (including fingers)."

He was three years older than me, so he was a junior in high school. He went to the same church that I did, so we would sometimes help around in the nursery. We would play with the kids together and I really liked him. Sometimes we would sneak to different parts of the church together and just make out. He was the first person that had ever kissed my neck or just had given me that much attention in a passionate way, from my understanding of passion at the time. Then one day we went into a bathroom and we took all of our clothes off. I remember being so nervous; It was the first time I had been naked in front of somebody. Then he started to kiss me and grab me, and I started to get more and more uncomfortable. I kept saying no, but he kept on going. I remember not being able to see because I wore my glasses that day but he said he didn't like me when I wore glasses so he took them off me and put them on the sink.

I remember exactly what I was wearing. I was wearing this white flouncy shirt that almost had layers at the chest and I tucked it into this really beautiful aqua skirt. I was also wearing little ballet flats with it. I thought I was cute as shit. I felt very embarrassed that I didn't want it as much as he did. When he did eventually penetrate me, my cherry had popped. That was one of the most in-pain moments I had ever been in. I remember looking down and seeing blood everywhere; there was blood all over him, all over myself, but my skirt was hiked up so it didn't touch any of my clothes. I remember starting to hyperventilate, and all he said was, “Oh...oh.” He stopped and then he gave me my glasses back with paper towels and he said, “I'm going to go because I don’t want us to get caught.” Then he left me alone in the bathroom. I had no idea he was in the wrong. I remember looking down at the blood, hyperventilating, and then passing out. When I woke up I was laying in my own blood. I cleaned everything off, checked my phone, and then went back to service and sat next to my dad.

I never called what happened forced; I just thought that it was just kinda something that had happened. My friend Ileene was the first person that ever told me it was rape. We were sitting on her bed talking about sex and she told me about how she lost her virginity. I told her, "Well I didn't lose mine like that.” And I told her what happened. She said “Sammi, that was rape.” That was three years after it had happened. So it took me three years to realize what actually happened.

My parents had actually found out that I had sex with him, Anthony, because of my dad’s best friend, who was Anthony's s father. Anthony told everybody and someone eventually told Anthony's dad, who then told my dad. I remember standing in the kitchen with my parents one night and I was really upset because they wouldn't let me go out to the movies with this guy who I was just friends with. I didn't understand why they wouldn't let me go. They said to me, “We know you had sex with Anthony.” But I remember saying to them, “I didn't want to. That wasn’t what I planned. That wasn’t what I wanted.” They asked me, “Well did you not want it? Was it forced?” and I remember thinking “No, no, no, it wasn’t forced.” I knew very well that I didn't want it, but I didn't think of it as rape.

I had this idea of rape in my head that it was by strangers and that it was supposed to be much more violent. But I was raped by someone that I had been friends with for years, that I cared about, and I knew very well. I even wanted to date him.

After Ileene explained to me that it was actually rape, I didn't want to believe it. I was like, “Oh no, no, no, no. Not me.” But I had friends who told me about their experiences where I was able to recognize how absolutely terrible it was. That allowed me to better empathize and be an advocate for other people who had gone through something very similar to me. I knew that if one of my friends came to me and told me exactly what happened to me happened to them, I would say that was rape. Still, I had never been able to look at myself like that. I hid it very well and I didn't talk about it. I was uncomfortable, I wasn’t embarrassed.

I was a cheerleader my freshman year of high school and he was a football player at a different school. I remember being at this cheerleading sleepover where we were all asking each other questions. Someone asked, “So who's a virgin?” I raised my hand because I didn't want anybody to know that I wasn't. There was this girl who dated a guy for the past year and they had the most romantic first time. I remember sitting in that room where only one girl knew what had happened, and I just started crying. I started crying because I had this idea about what my virginity meant to me. I thought about how I would first lose it and it would be with someone that I loved so dearly. I was young I wanted that romance. I wanted the rose petals on the bed and to just be drowned in love. But I was ashamed. I almost felt like I had done something wrong. Because that's not what I got.

One of my friends told me that I was doing too well. She said that since I was doing too well it couldn't actually have been as bad as I described it to her. She was like “You’re eating fine, did you sleep? Then you’re fine. It couldn't have been that bad.” So, I had this idea of maybe I was over-exaggerating and it wasn't as bad as it actually was, which helped me to repress even deeper. It's surprising that she thought like that, because she was assaulted, too. When she was younger her mother’s boyfriend used to sneak into her room to touch her and dry hump her; he molested her. He would cum on her, too, but she would just pretend that she was sleeping the entire time. She even told the entire team about what had happened me. One day before a cheer-meet I was crying in the locker-room because I was a cheerleader and he was a football player, so I had to see him. She went out before the game and told everybody, “Sammi had sex with this guy and she doesn't want to see him. That's why she's crying.”

I remember putting on more makeup than I usually did for that game because I knew that I was going to see him. It was a tradition for all the cheerleaders high-five the football players before they played, and when we did that day he squeezed mine. I didn't look any of them in the eye, I just held my hand out and walked past him.

A few months after I was raped my dad moved. He was the only person I was closest to in my life. Him leaving did more damage to me then I can comprehend. I'm still in recovery from everything. I'm actually diagnosed with PTSD and dissociation. My disassociation started a year after I was raped, and then after that I was in an abusive relationship for two years with someone named Joe. I had to get a restraining order on him because he tried to kill me. My mom was also in an abusive relationship when I lived with her, so I was surrounded by a lot of negativity in my high school years.

I collapse when I hear stories like mine from friends. What really gets me emotional is when I have people who are close to me tell me about them going through things like this. Almost everyone that I'm close to had an experience of sexual assault in some way. I have a really close friend who recently opened up to me about being raped. She told me the guy lives right on my street. I had to beg her not to tell me his name because if I knew who he was and if I ever saw him, I would kill him. I mean, not really, but I wouldn't want to see him. I'm not really an angry person and I wouldn't ever want to kill Anthony. But if someone else touches somebody that I love, that's what hurts me the most. I have a really bad habit of running away when I'm introduced to something that hurts me. I'm really good at running away mentally.

I know that I am very loved, despite going through all these awful things. My parents love me and would do anything they can for me. I know what love is and I'm given a lot of it. I think I'm even more loving now because of what happened to me. I cherish people more than I used to. I'm very hesitant to use the word 'purity' because it's not in the sense of “You're taking away someone's purity.” But when in a situation of rape or abuse of any kind, it's taking away the purity of the idea that the world isn't as great as we think it is. I was shown that at a young age. Five years later and I'm still dealing with that.

Connor

"At least one-half of all violent crimes involve alcohol consumption by the perpetrator, the victim, or both."

I was drunk and high and I went back to my dorm.

"Twenty-Eight percent of victims report their sexual assault to the police. Only about two percent of reported rape cases reported to the police are false."

I went to go talk to my friend but I ended up going to the wrong floor and went to Sarah’s room.

"Eight out of ten victims know their attacker."

She asked me if I was intoxicated and I told her, “Yes.” I'm assuming she knew I was intoxicated because we haven't talked to each other in months. I'm not really even a fan of her as a person. I sat in her chair when I got there and asked me if I wanted water or something to eat, but I told her no because I wanted to go to my friend’s room. She turned on some lights and there were stars on her ceiling from the lights. I laid on the ground and looked at the stars and she laid next to me in my arms. We started talking about the stars, and then somehow we started kissing. She asked me if I had a condom on me and I said no. We kept kissing for awhile and eventually we started to have sex. She got on top of me and moved me to her bed. When I finished it was an instant moment of sobriety. All I could do was stare at her. She looked at me and asked if I was okay. I didn't say anything. She asked me, “Was it good for you?” I ignored her, got up, got dressed, and left the room to go shower. Then I went to bed.

When I woke up I went to my friend to talk about it and then I talked to one of my professors about it. I told Sarah’s boss what happened and Sarah wanted to talk about it that day. So we both met up in my friend's room and she was talking about how she thought that we were both attracted to each other and she said that she wouldn’t have done it if it was any other resident. I explained to her the duty of what she’s supposed to do as an RA when a resident comes back intoxicated, and how one of those things is not to have sex with them. We talked to her boss the next day and her story changed. She said that I raped her and that I forced myself on her, saying I scared her into it. My friend was there was us, luckily, to tell her boss that was not the same story as last night. Now it's moved into a court case and I have a lawyer working with me. Basically, now the school is investigating it with both of us as the victims because she reported it after I did. She went to the courthouse trying to get a restraining order on me and is trying to press criminal charges. Now that makes me the defendant in the case off of campus, so now I have to defend it as far as the court sees it. I feel that the proper steps were not taken on the school’s behalf because I was the one who reported it first. I didn't know that when other people have reported sexual assault, victims would report sexual assault and the defendant would be moved out of their dorm. When I reported it, that wasn't done; she got to keep her job and I asked to get a no-communication ordinance, which states that until we graduate we're not allowed to have contact with each other on campus. Instead of it restricting her from coming up to my floor, it actually restricted me from going to her floor. So not only am I not allowed to go on her floor, but she's still allowed to come on my floor because her job obligates her to do so. The school has done nothing to make me feel safe. They only did things to make her feel safe. Then when the court got involved and told me I had to move out of my dorm; they thought that giving me my own room would make me feel better but it actually isolated me more. Now I'm stuck in a dorm where I know no one in a room by myself. The people I talk to don't have access to me, while she gets to stay in her same room and keep her job.

Nothing is being done that affects her negatively. Everything is being done to make me feel like I've done something wrong. I don't know if I'll win the case, I didn't do anything wrong. But I'm Black and she’s White. She’s a girl, I’m a guy. Outside of race, the fact that she is a girl and reported the sexual assault, she has a leg up in the court system. And the judge is also a woman, so I don't know how this is going to go over.

After I reported it, she did too, and then the court got involved. They came to me telling me I had to move out of my dorm. Our first court day was the eighth, so I asked for a continuous, which means they will give more time to get a lawyer. Now our next court day is the fourteenth. This court date is just for a restraining order, not the actual case. If they do think that I raped her or that I am a threat to her, then they will give her the restraining order. It's not going to put me in jail. But if they do give her a restraining order, that will then give her grounds to press criminal charges. I talked to my lawyer and they said that based off the evidence we have, there is no way that we can prove she sexually assaulted me. The only thing I can do is prove that I did not assault her. So even if I get off and don't go to jail, nothing will ever be done to her for what she did. The judge hasn't read over the paperwork yet, everything is up in the air right now. There’s another guy that she sexually assaulted as well in the last school year and he is also reporting it. Title nine is also doing their investigation; they questioned people about my state of mind the night it happened. Then her lawyers are going to come up to the school to ask questions that don't make sense. One of the people that spoke with Title Nine said that they asked them if they had nudes of me. At this point I don't care what the school does because there is nothing they can do to help me in the situation. If she gets fired or moved, they're not going to kick her out of the school, so we'll eventually see each other again. There is nothing they can do.

The school officer has been giving me information and he didn't want me to get a lawyer. He wanted me to talk to him and he said he would handle everything. I don't know what that means, but I didn't trust him. I just know when they came to give me the information saying I had to move out of my dorm, it was a school and county officer. The county officer was the one who read me my rights and told me what I had to do and said I had to abide by all this shit. The school officer didn't have to come but he was there because he's been keeping up with our case. He knew I reported it first. He came to ask me permission if he could take it to the district attorney because he doesn't believe what she's saying is true. They have every statement that she's made so far, and she’s told three different stories. I don't know if the school is reaching out on her side. The way my lawyer explained it is that we will have to go to a school hearing. So we're going to have an actual hearing about the actual case and the school hearing will have one as well. I'm going to have to go through this process twice. The school hearing isn't even a criminal process, it's just to see if the school rules were broken.

My dad is involved now. I didn't tell my parents originally because I don't talk to my parents about sexual things at all, and I definitely don't want to talk to them about sexual assault, because you don't talk to your parents about that. At least me. I don't have a relationship with them where we can talk about anything.

My dad's very upset I didn't tell him right away, but he hasn't done anything since I told him except yell at me. He told me I should have never reported it and just kept it to myself. He says this is what I get for messing with White girls. The only reason I told him was because a professor of mine, who has gone through a similar situation, suggested I should. All of my professors know about it now because I was missing class to go talk to lawyers. I had to email them so they’d know that I wasn’t skipping class just to skip class and something serious was happening.

I don't need a therapist. I'm sure it'd help, but I'd rather deal with it myself instead of having someone sit there telling me ways to deal with my problems. It's not really helpful.

Sarah’s boss talked to me about raising awareness for male victims. Title Nine is supposed to exist to strip away all sexual stereotypes when it comes to sexual assault cases on campus because the court system is not known for doing that. So when I reported it they were supposed to investigate it as me as the victim but when she reported it they over ruled me and investigated in both directions. That's supposed to be the whole point about stripping away all sexual stereotypes. Because if she reported it first and then I reported it, they wouldn't do an investigation on my behalf because that doesn't make sense in society's eyes. Title Nine exist for one thing, and they can't even do that right.

When I asked for a continuous, the lawyer said they'd like to do an investigation on me. There’s no investigation to be done. There were two people in the room and only two people know what happened. There's two different stories being told. The only thing they can do is cross examine us in court and one of us has to “tell the truth.” Investigation will only be necessary if one of us had a sexual past of raping people. I don't, apparently she does. But I did not know about that, which might be helpful in court. But they're trying to find some kind of sign that one of us was premeditating this. That's why I didn't want this to go to court; I just wanted to get moved. I didn't want her to be fired or moved, but now that she is lying she deserves to be fired. When this first happened I didn't know how to feel because I never experienced something like this. I felt the need to question if I did something wrong. I felt the need to say “Did I rape her?” “Did I do something that was wrong?” The way I was being treated by the school and court, I had to think, “Did I do something wrong?” I shouldn't be put in that situation. I don't feel bad about what happened to me anymore, I feel bad that I'm being made to feel like I did something wrong.

James

I was six years old when it happened.

"One in seven sexual assault victims is under age the age of six."

It's strange for me to think about it because sometimes I think it wasn't rape and that I'm lying to myself. But I know the definition of sexual assault and rape, and this fits.

"One in four sexual assault victims under the age of twelve is a boy."

I don't remember it in full detail since it was so long ago and I never started to think of it as rape until I was around sixteen. I would go to my grandfather's house a lot and my cousin would come over, too. One day my cousin asked me if I knew what sex was, and at the time I didn’t. She told me it’s what mommies and daddies would do when they’re in love. She undressed herself, then me, and then we had sex. I didn't really know what was going on at the time. I knew that we were doing what mommies and daddies do, but I didn't realize she was taking advantage of my innocence. It happened several times after that, too. I never thought to try to stop or tell anyone because I didn’t know what sex was at all and didn’t understand the concept of consent. Eventually, after she left a mark on my body by scratching me, I told her that we need to stop. She kept trying to tell me that we can’t, that we’re supposed to do this. She eventually stopped, though I’m not sure if it was because she felt bad or we never were alone together again. My grandpa knew it was happening, too. He knew that we were having sex. I thought I enjoyed it, I guess, because I was experiencing sex for the first time without really understanding what was going on. I talked to one of my friends about it when I was in high school, and he told me that what happened was rape. He told me I was raped by my cousin. I didn’t believe him because I thought I liked it, in a weird way where someone who’s never had sex would enjoy it. I kept it to myself for a while. I told some friends about it later on, but tried to make it seem like I wasn’t actually raped and what happened was normal. It wasn’t until college where I told myself that I was raped. Even then I thought I was over-looking the situation and was making myself seem like a victim. I still don’t really talk about it, but it happened.

Another time I was sexually assaulted was in my junior year of high school. I was at a house party and ended up drinking past my limit like a normal high school kid. I ended up vomiting in the bathroom for an hour and this guy who was a mutual friend of my best-friend came into the bathroom to help me. He was completely sober. I remember him brushing my teeth for me, since I was terribly intoxicated, but then he undressed me and turned the shower on. He put me in there, and joined in after taking his clothes off. I was terribly shit-faced and couldn't even form words. I just remember standing in the shower while he stroked my penis and made out with me. I woke up the next morning on the bathroom floor, only wearing my pants that were inside-out. I didn’t press charges or anything because it took me a while to remember clearly, but I also thought I was just remembering wrong. Maybe I gave consent, but was too drunk to remember. I know that I wouldn’t have had sex with him sober, but when you're drunk, things change I guess.

Quotes

"I had just turned fourteen."

"I was drunk and high."

"I was six years old when it happened."

"Fourteen."

"Drunk."

"Six."

"Five years later I’m still dealing with it."

"I feel bad thinking I did something wrong."

"I don't believe myself when I think about it."

"Five years."

"I feel bad."

"I don't believe myself."

"Oh no, no, no, no. Not me."

"You don't talk to your parents about that."

"My cousin."

"I'm diagnosed with PTSD."

"I’d rather deal with it myself."

"My grandpa knew."

"I didn’t want it."

"They’ve done nothing so far."

"He undressed me."

"I felt very embarrassed that I didn't want it."

"He didn’t want me to get a lawyer."

"I didn't really know what was going on."