Secret

I am 23 and counting. There is nothing unusual about me, I live in an apartment, I go to college online, I have a boyfriend, I work full-time. I have a caring family and kind friends. However normal my life may appear, we all know that looks can be deceiving. As much as I trust in my family and friends, there is a secret I keep from them. I am a victim of rape.

Society deems shame on the victim, (directly and indirectly) which is completely unethical. The fingers end up on the victim more often then not (Crazy, right?!) and I can disagree with confidence at this ridiculous way of society. The monster who causes ME daily pain is STILL OUT THERE. His lawyer's job was to make me look like a slut so that the jury would blame me. How is that a valid argument? How is that an excuse for him to hurt me? No matter how a woman presents herself, no means NO. How is this a JUSTICE system? I am suffering through petrifying fear daily while he lounges in his luxury apartment, free as any innocent man. Some days, I can't even leave my apartment out of fear. Every man I see reminds me, infuriates me, frightens me all at once EVEN MY OWN BROTHER, FATHER, AND SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Why? I was chosen as his victim, his way to feel powerful, his way to get pleasure. I did not make the choice. Yet, I remain the person at fault for my own mental demise, but I said NO. How does this happen? Whose daughter, sister, mother, aunt, will be next? HOW can we get everyone to fully understand the severity, that is rape and rape culture? How can it be stopped? Truthfully, you cannot fully understand it, until it happens to you. Dear reader, I hope so much it never happens to you. If you are like me, I am so so sorry.

You may not fully understand it, but you can spread awareness, you can help protect yourself and your family, you can raise your sons right, tell your brothers to quit, you can help prevent so much suffering. Just hear me out. I am dying to be heard, thousands upon thousands of others need a voice. I want to be their voice. I want this madness to cease. I want my sisters and my future daughters to feel safe walking outside. Please help me take back the rape culture and replace it with security. It starts with you.

There are several aspects of rape that society has altered. People think lightly of such a serious pressing issue. People say things like;

"She was dressing like a slut, she was asking for it."

"She could have just said no."

"It's her fault for sending the wrong message."

"It was her fault, she was drunk."

"Why didn't you just scream for help?"

"Why didn't you tell someone when it happened?"

*"You'll get over it."*

There are countless ignorant opinions regarding the subject. Everyone is entitled to his or her own opinion, HOWEVER, this is not something you can simply look in from the outside and understand. These things have been said to me, even by those closest to me, and if you were in my shoes, it sounds very deadly different;

"She was a slut, she deserved what happened."

"She is completely at fault, she should have said something, I don't feel bad for her."

"She got what she deserved for flirting with him like that. She is probably faking this whole thing to get attention anyway."

"She made the choice to be drunk, so she made the choice to get raped."

"You didn't scream for help...? This is your own fault. You could have stopped it if you had been brave enough to shout out."

"What's the point of reporting this now? You're probably faking it to get attention. It could not have been that bad if you waited this long to bring it up."

"Rape is nothing. You will get over this like you get over everything else. If you don't you're weak."

There have actually been people who have said this out loud to someone. (And to me!) It made me furious just typing those. It may be worse or better for other victims, but that is what those words TRULY mean to a victim. We have to stop this right here. It caused me, a normal, 20 year old to be scarred for life, to remember, to relive, to feel worthless, ashamed, broken, and SO AFRAID. It stays with you. IT NEVER GOES AWAY. I have remembered it every day for the past 3 years.

In order for you to understand the severity of rape, I will share with you, my typical day. Note that this is 3 years after the incident.

**EVEN IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE READING THINGS LIKE THIS, I ADVISE YOU TO IMAGINE YOU ARE ON THE OTHER END OF THIS KEYBOARD. IF YOU CAN SEE EVEN A LITTLE BIT CLEARER AFTER THIS PASSAGE, YOU HAVE SEEN A SMALL SNIPPET OF THE LIVES OF VICTIMS AROUND THE WORLD, AND YOU CAN HELP US**

8:00AM - Wake up, Get ready for work. I look at myself in the mirror, feeling worthless, I attempt a fraudulent smile in the mirror to try to keep myself positive. Because they say "just keep smiling..."

8:30AM - Get into my car to head to work. My car is a trigger for my PTSD, since my car was the getaway vehicle after I was raped. I end up having a panic attack in my car, I text my boss, saying I'll be in late. I feel guilty that I am causing my co-workers trouble which adds onto my endless fear.

** Clinical Definition of a PANIC ATTACK: A panic attack is a sudden episode of intense fear that triggers severe physical reactions when there is no real danger or apparent cause. Panic attacks can be very frightening. When panic attacks occur, you might think you're losing control, having a heart attack or even dying. Source **

9:30AM - Arrive at work, receive many questions from co-workers as to if I'm okay, and asking why I am late. Each question reminds me of the panic attack, which reminds me of my fears. I begin feeling afraid and must excuse myself to my desk without giving a proper answer. I feel I have been rude to them, which feeds my anxiety.

10:00AM-2:00PM - I have been keeping my mind busy with office work. I feel safer, the day begins to change for the better.

3:30PM - I am on my final break, and I am snacking in the lunchroom. There is only one other group in the room. They consist of both male and females, I don't feel threatened. One boy appears to be playing a phone game. I then overhear an "innocent" comment that leaves me paralyzed. "Hahaha! Dude, you totally got RAPED that match." I am frozen. I manage to pack my lunchbox and slip away into the bathroom where I cry aimlessly. I feel devastated, vulnerable, and suicidal. I am embarrassed that I can't keep myself together and that I am such a disgrace. I want to end the suffering. I want to leave this life. I feel I can't endure another day like this.

5:00PM: I get home. I sit on the couch, feeling like an empty, pointless waste of space. I feel ashamed and angry. I ask God why he did this to me as I start inevitably sobbing. I feel enraged that the monster roams free without any pain. He could hurt someone else, he could hurt ME again. What if he tracks me down? What if he shows up at my work? What if he tried to do it AGAIN? What if he wants to take his anger out on my little sister? I stop. I breathe. I won't let him. He won't hurt them. If I am gone, who will protect them?

6:00PM - 8:00PM: I watch Netflix and calm down. (Something like a Disney movie, to prevent other triggers.)

8:00PM: I bury the remaining fear of the day and shower, telling myself to be strong for my sisters, and not to give up, letting him win. I CAN'T let him win. (That is my biggest motivator... to not hurt myself.)

9:00PM-12:00AM I attempt to fall asleep, but my thoughts are racing. I remember what that guy said. I remember my pain. I become angry. I become empty. I become tearful and finally, fall asleep.

This is my daily life. Some days are better than others. Some days, I can't even go into work because of my fear.

No amount of medication, no timeless therapy sessions, no matter how many times I distract myself, I will always remember. It will never leave.

If you understand the severity, please, spread awareness. It can be as simple as #metoo on your wall. It can be as simple as telling that guy, "hey, don't say "rape" like that." It can be just linking the suicide hotline on a post. Be their voice. Be my voice. Let's end this.

**Side Note**

This is true and from my heart. This post took so so much courage to write. I appreciate anybody who took the time to read this and try to understand. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Stay safe.

Crisis Hotlines

Suicide 1-800-273-8255

Sexual Assault 1-800-656-4673

Abuse 1-800-799-7233

**All are confidential and open 24/7**