Scream

She brings her hand to her mouth to muffle her scream. She hears his footsteps pierce the silence of the warm summer night. She hears him pause to slip his shoes off half way down the hall. She hears his sock covered feet shuffle along the wood floor, knowing when he passes her brother’s door, then her sister’s door. Her brother and sister are never bothered because they are his. She is not. She belongs to her mother. She belongs to another man, a man who had left long ago and never returned. She had never cared. She knew he was never coming back.

Her mother is most likely lying awake in bed, knowing exactly where her husband is going, what he intends to do. She always knows. Her mother is not ignorant. But she doesn’t blame her mother for not stopping him, for not calling for help. She remembers when her mother first found out. Her mother’s bruises did not fade for a long time. She did not go outside for even longer. The next time, when her mother’s courage returned, she chose to call the police. But she forgot that the police and her new husband are old college buddies. One lie and a pat on the back sent the uniformed man back out the door, assured that his wife was dramatic and telling tall tales.

She tries not to scream to make sure he does not hurt her mother. But sometimes it leaves her lips without her permission.

Her doorknob turns. The door opens quietly and she hates it for that. She wishes it was loud and would scream out to the world because she cannot. If she screams, it will only bring more pain. If she screams, no one will come and they both know it. But he still makes sure that she never screams.

If bruises bloom on her body the next day, she will be instructed to say that she had been rowdy with her siblings or had fallen. She is told that no one will believe her anyways. She knows this is true. The teachers in the middle school will not ask questions anyways. She knows how this works.

She knows how important he is in their community. He goes to church like everyone else. He always dresses well. He never drinks in public. He is well-educated, a college man. He is funny, outgoing, with an alluring energy about him. He is a good businessman and makes good money. He makes sure to give plenty of this money to the town. He is a woman’s man and a man’s man. He is handsome and he knows it. Her mother had swooned so easily. Why he had gone after her mother, a single, abandoned woman, she never understood. She knew her mother was very pretty, with dark hair, perfectly curled, and her neat dresses twirled as she walked down the street. But she also knew that her mother was a lost grieving soul who needed the comfort of a man’s body in her bed and a roof above her. It didn’t really matter who the roof belonged to. There had been other men, she remembered. There had been many others. But she didn’t mind because those men had never noticed her. Those men had never looked at her, touched her, come into her room at night, and asked her to keep their secrets. Those men had come for her mother and left without a trace. She had always been comforted by that. It was better to know that they would not return.

But he always returns. He closes the door behind him. She can see his outline in the dark. She has memorized it by now. Her hand remains over her mouth and her breathing is loud as it tries to escape through her fingers. She closes her eyes, she scrunches them tight, praying to a god, to an angel, to whoever might care, asking as she does every night, for him to be sent away. Far away from her, away from her room, away from her mother, and out of her life. She prays he meets a terrible end, one that is painful and agonizing because she knows that is what he deserves.

Every night, after her mother goes to bed and he has finished his time with his drink, he comes into her room. He strokes her blonde hair, her hair that reminds her that she comes from another man, an unknown man. She hates her hair now because he loves it. He tells her each night how beautiful her hair is. He tells her that he loves her and that he wants to show her just how much.

He brings his hand to her mouth to muffle her scream.