Saying Goodbye to Toxic Femininity

We need to talk about toxic femininity. It’s something that doesn’t get enough screen time when it comes to our conversation about personal relationships. We talk about toxic masculinity and the ways in which the patriarchy negatively impacts men and their interpersonal and intrapersonal relationships, we talk about how the patriarchy interferes with our romantic relationships, and we talk about how the patriarchy governs our careers. What we’re not talking about though is toxic femininity and how a male-dominated society has taught women to compete with each other.

I ended a friendship recently, and the more I think about it, the more I’m sure ending the friendship, rather than repairing it, was the right thing to do. I’m getting in the habit of ending friendships with people the first time I realize we should probably never talk again. Usually, I wait a few years for them to prove me right several times and use me for what they can get out of me before I cut them off. I have what has best been described as a “compulsion for compassion,” and it’s seen me waste too many years on wholly toxic people. There is a difference between someone who is flawed and someone who is toxic, and it’s taken me longer than I’d like to be able to identify which is which.

I hadn’t been friends with this person for very long, maybe a little over a year (let’s call them Ingrid since I don’t actually know anyone named Ingrid who will be able to take offense). About three weeks ago, I came to realize how much of my energy I spent on a friendship I never wanted to have in the first place. I didn’t like Ingrid when we first met, and I don’t like them now. We had something resembling a friendship in between those two realizations, but in retrospect, I don’t know that I can call it a friendship. It was a relationship that to her was more like a competition she had to win, but it wasn’t. I should have listened to my gut, but that pesky compulsion for compassion drives me to give people the benefit of the doubt against my better instincts. There just aren’t enough nice people in the world. I try to be nice. Or at least empathetic.

I’ve noticed a trend happening with fake people, toxic people, and overall bad people who have overly wholesome public personas. They cling to these public personas with such fervor that they actually start to believe their own bullshit. They’re so convinced that they actually are this person they’ve created on their social media that when presented with any information to the contrary, their response is dismissive at best but most often hostile. They can’t possibly fathom how someone could perceive them negatively and rather than consider how that may have come to be, they lash out.

A person cannot have a friendship with someone who compares themselves to others in a way that’s disparaging to them. It’s not a friendship in that instance. It becomes an unhealthy competition that oftentimes only one person agreed to. Every achievement or happy moment for one friend is viewed as challenge by the other rather than an occasion to celebrate. I won’t be friends with the kind of woman who won’t empower other women. This isn’t a competition. We’re here to help each other on our individual journeys because we all have our own. No one can live your life for you, so there’s no sense in viewing it as a competition at all. Yet so many people still do.

We, as a society, have got to stop confusing self-righteousness and arrogance with confidence. People who parade around like they’re better than everyone else to mask the deep insecurity and dislike they have for themselves are extremely transparent. No one is buying the BS they’re selling when every time they say something about themselves, there’s a direct or indirect comparison to another person or other people in the same breath.

This is especially true of people whose public personas preach things like “body positivity” and “women respecting women” and “lift each other up” but can’t leave other people out of how they view themselves. It can’t be both ways. Someone can either be the vain, mean person that exists behind the facade, or they can work to embody the empowering words they post on social media, but it can’t be both.

Confidence has to come from a place of self-love, or it’s not confidence. If you need to put anyone else down in the same breath that you build yourself up, you’re not a strong woman and you’re not the kind of woman other women can trust or admire. You’re just a bully. Bullies can’t feel good about themselves unless someone else feels bad, so they can feel better. If you need to constantly make comparisons to make yourself feel good, ask yourself at whose expense they’re being made and whether you’re okay with the answer. What these bullies don’t understand is: acting the way they do doesn’t make them appear confident and it doesn’t make people respect them.

Comparing ourselves to others is not a healthy way to view our differences or interact with each other. Tearing someone down in an effort to build another up is not “women empowering women” or “body positive.” It’s just another version of “I’m a real woman and you're not because ______,” and it’s trashy, unhealthy, and invalid.

These same people are always surprised and outraged when people start to remove them from their lives, making it more difficult for the person on the other end. Have confidence in your decision to distance yourself from unhealthy relationships with other women. Be a woman’s woman. I fought hard to love myself and I work tirelessly to ensure those around me love themselves or grow to love themselves immensely. Women putting other women down is something we’re leaving in the 90s and early 2000s. In 2018, we’re respecting each other and lifting each other up. In 2018, we’re saying goodbye to toxic femininity as we work toward healthier, happier relationships with ourselves and others.