Ruined

It all started my sophomore year of college. Fall semester finals had just finished for me and now I was just waiting a couple days to catch the train home for winter break. It's the only reason I went to the party.

It wasn't my first party by any means. I mean, I was a college student after all. But one thing was different about this one. Usually I agreed to go to parties knowing that I would be the designated driver. I had a rule, you see. One drink, that's it. I already hated crowds but that one drink usually helped me to relax. The thing that was different about this party was that it was within walking distance of campus so there was no need for a designated driver. I was still going to stick to my one drink rule.

At least I intended to.

I had finished my one drink a while ago and was beginning to get a bit tired. So, like I always did at parties, I found a couch and sat down. I was more of a people watcher than a people interacter, if you know what I mean.

So there I was, sitting on the couch when I noticed someone walking towards me. He was well known by just about everyone at the university. My school was a fairly small, private university so if you were an athlete, chances are that you're well known.

Anyway, he sat next to me and I figured he just wanted to rest as well. So I shifted so I wasn't facing him and kept bobbing my head to the music, and waited for my friends to leave. It wasn't until I realized he was trying to say speak to me that I got nervous. You see, I wasn't used to talking to boys, or anyone really. I was comfortable with my small group of friends and had never had a boyfriend.

"Want a drink?" he asked.

I shook my head, not trusting myself to actually say words out loud.

"Come on," he said. "Just one drink."

"I already had one," I managed to say.

"Okay, then one more." He left, the couch rising from the lack of weight there. He returned a while later with a red cup full of something that smelled like poison and turned out to be vodka. I hated vodka, but I accepted the drink anyway. Not that I was planning on drinking it, but I didn't want to seem rude.

He continued to talk to me, and it turned out that we were in two classes together. It wasn't surprising seeing as we were both studying the same subject. But what I didn't know was that he was on the baseball team. I happened to play softball for the school so we began talking about the similarities between the sports. He was actually a pretty good listener, or at least he seemed like one at the time.

"Aren't you going to drink that?" He gestured towards my cup.

I didn't really want to drink it but he was being so nice, and he had taken the time to get it for me, so I managed to choke it down. It was disgusting, just like I thought it would be.

That was the last really clear thing I remember.

After that it gets foggy. That is the only way I can describe it. The music was muffled and the flashing lights dulled at the edges. My arms and legs felt heavy and it was hard to even keep my eyes open. I tried to tell him that I wasn't feeling well and that I wanted to leave but my mouth wasn't working right.

I remember things in flashes. It felt like time was moving slow but I was skipping through it in stages. I felt bodies against mine as I was moved through the crowd. To this day, when I go in a large crowd where bodies seem to be crushed together, I get panic attacks.

I remember a door closing, shutting off most of the music so all I could hear was the bass.

I remember being dropped on a bed and thinking that I would finally be getting some sleep.

I remember the feeling of my face being pressed into the mattress and the feeling of a body pressing down on top of my back and my pants being pulled off.

Then I remember pain and trying to yell and trying to move and then nothing.

I woke up with a headache in someone else's bed with my pants off. Although I couldn't remember every moment, I knew what happened to me and all I felt was fear. I pulled on my pants and fled because that's all I knew to do. I still lived on campus and I was dreading getting back to my room but thankfully my roommate was gone. I looked up the closest Planned Parenthood and booked an appointment for STD testing.

Turns out I was fine in that aspect but in others I was a complete mess. All I could focus on was how I messed up. I shouldn't have gone to the party. I shouldn't have drank anything. I shouldn't have accepted the cup he handed me. I shouldn't have drank it even if I did accept it. All day for weeks, months, I blamed myself.

I was smart. I knew better. I'd read stories about this happening to other girls and I never dreamed it would happened to me. But the hardest thing was admitting it. Not to other people, no, but to myself. The hardest words to say, to even think were three words that I never thought I'd ever have to string together.

I. Was. Raped.