Patriarchy found me II

Life has a funny way of revealing and showing things to you. I thought that I would quietly process 2020 and everything crazy that has happened this past year on New Year's Eve even as late as last week. But this past Sunday, I had a realization that two guys at my alma mater took advantage of me on two separate occasions when I was inebriated and was not in a position to consent. I had hoped that I would blissfully bask in the memories of 2020 and the last 20 years as I embark on a new decade. Yet, Universe, in a sharp turn, disclosed things to me I hadn't anticipated. As an addendum to my story which I published two days ago, I am documenting what happened with the two guys that took advantage of me. I tried emailing both of them on December 28, 2020 when the above realization had struck me. The first guy, who is three years older than me, didn't even bother replying to my emails. I guess the fact that he committed a crime of gender-based violence didn't phase him or his "busy life" in Korea. The other guy, who was an RA at the dorm where I was also a staff member, wrote back in a belated email, saying that he "did not receive my first email which may have gone to his spam folder" even though I sent the email from my Alumni account with a subject line - "I think you should read this." He then offered his version of events, which included the line, "I didn't realize you were inebriated" and "I (he) was the one who felt victimized and used." Unbelievable.

He said, she said. He didn't say (or in the case of the first guy, he ignored or neglected to acknowledge the situation altogether), she said. It is crazy how memory and testimonies play out in the sometimes brutal and tricky race against time and evolution. In the latter's case, I was even more shocked because his website states, "*** led organizations with over 200 people to dramatically increase women leadership representation, enhance core values, and transform career development culture. Throughout his +15 year diverse career journey, **** has been led by the principle to Inspire, Connect, and positively Impact others." It's ironic that this person would misrepresent himself and leads women's conferences and gives keynote speeches when he violated me and my body and doesn't even have the guts to acknowledge, apologize or even to be honest about his actions and behavior. How can he give a speech to a group of women when he himself has committed gender-based violence yet expects to get away with it? The other person's inconsistent account (the RA at my dorm) just demonstrates how men are quickly able to defend themselves and cast doubt on the voices and accounts of women when it is convenient for them. What position does this leave the women?

I find all of this shocking and appalling. I realize that it is only by tapping into the collective voices and rage of women (like Audre Lorde) who are victimized by the gross gender-based discrimination and structural injustices in the world can I even summon up the courage to get through this day. What should have been a peaceful, non-eventful day of introspection has turned into a forced exercise of reckoning, self-care and love and reflection on the evil and horrifying shackles of patriarchy that has found me on this Eve of 2021. This incident of violation and wrong against my body happened based on the fact that I am a woman, based on my gender. With all the advances in technology and the internet, why do I still feel like a woman trapped in the 1800s? Words can't quite describe the way I feel, but I know that my body is aching (see previous essay on "An homage to my body") and my heart is frustrated. I wish everyone a happy and beautiful 2021, but I myself am in a pensive, ambivalent, "Crossroads" state (also see previous essay on "An homage to my body"), wondering how I should proceed.