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Once Toxic, Always Toxic

How to Recognize When It’s Time to Call It Quits

By Karli SantanaPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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I am going to share some personal details of my past relationships. I have had so many dysfunctional relationships that I can’t help but stop and think that maybe the problem is not all of the men I’ve dated.

What if it’s me?

The dreaded question that no one really seems to want to face. How do you determine if you need to be adjusting things about your personality? Or is the person you loved so much the cause for all of the problems you had? I can’t answer this question for you. This is something that you have to determine on your own.

As for my relationships, I’ve had 3 that turned violent. It always starts out with verbal abuse. For example, the father of my oldest daughter would argue with me about how I did the dishes, how I cut my watermelons, things that I would forget (like football stats - when I’m completely uninterested in football). He would punish me verbally by arguing or demeaning me. Literally, he would oppose me. I’m not your opponent I’m your teammate. I was scared of him. One day I confronted him about getting a job. He was 35 with a number of children. He told me to learn my place as a woman and then he threw me across the room. I had an internal bruise for weeks. I couldn’t turn my neck or my back without feeling stiff pain. I didn’t tell a soul that I was going through this. How embarrassing is it to admit that your boyfriend, or the father of your child could disrespect you so easily and without remorse like this?

My other boyfriend, we were together for 5 years off and on. We didn’t have any children together. I will say that he had a problem committing to me. He would cause arguments because he didn’t trust me and he had many insecurities. He would always find a way to blame me or put me down for whatever he could think of. We fought more than we had good times with each other. He constantly did things without considering me. I felt he lived a double life, and I broke up with him because, behind my back, he had cell phones with his female friend. I know what you’re thinking, that’s not that big of a deal. Right? Well he also had a key to her house and he was also misrepresenting me to her and his baby’s mother. Would not say how serious he was about me when he talked about marriage to me almost every day. He even confronted my Pastor about marrying me years after the incident with the female friend and the phones. He got physical with me one day and I didn’t talk to him for a few months. He would bring his baby’s mother to church, sit with her, and act like he didn’t know me. They would sit as a family. Eventually I told him that we want different things and that I didn’t want to play his games anymore. He was so prideful saying that I’d be calling him in a few weeks. I haven’t spoken to him since and this break up was done via email.

My last boyfriend, I didn’t see it coming. He was amazing to me. I fell in love with him because of how passionate he was in every way. He made me feel so special. He didn’t have any children and he was physically attractive. I never worried about him cheating on me, he was always so open and honest. His phone was never unavailable to me. He would cook and clean. He also contributed to the bills. We had so much fun together. One day, the verbal abuse started. It got worse and worse. The more respect he lost for me the more respect I lost for him. I can literally testify that he initiated every single argument we ever had. I would let him know I hate to argue and he would say he hated it too but then he would find something, anything to argue with me about and like the father of my child he would look at me as his opponent and not his partner. Things started to get physically violent and let’s face it ladies, I don’t care how much you lift the average woman is no comparison to a man when it comes to strength. He was quicker than me, stronger than me, and he wouldn’t let up until I did what he told me to. Talk about controlling. He never used his full force against me, but the fact that he would even turn it physical in any way without self control was scary. He was unpredictable and was severely unaware of his own strength and he didn’t see how he was wrong either. Made me question all of the love I had for him. How could he do this to me? He was my best friend. The last major argument left me with permanent damage from the physical altercation. No matter how much we talked about our problems he was unable to identify his role and how the problems always linked back to him. I love him and wanted to forgive him but when a man loses respect for you it’s very rare you’re going to gain it back by staying with him and not showing any consequences.

In my dysfunctional relationships, other people around me knew that they would become physically abusive over time. They could see the signs. But me, especially with the last one, I felt that he loved me as much as I loved him and that we wanted the same things. I can tell you that I still miss him and I still love him after what he did to me but because of what he put me through, because of all the pain he caused me, I can’t bring myself to continue to be with him. If only he would’ve done what he was supposed to do as a man.

I strongly feel that there are not that many great men out there. I see so many women give their all including myself, into these men that don’t have anything going for themselves. No matter how much you see their potential it’s not going to matter. If they are calling you names, saying cruel things to you, initiating unnecessary arguments. Then it’s time for you to call it quits don’t wait until it starts to get physical. I regret giving them all so many chances.

I also see plenty of two parent homes, successful marriages, and people who are in love even after so many years. No dysfunction, no hatred, no arguing, just love. I see this almost every day and I can’t help but wonder why not me? Why can’t I have someone that’s going to be there for me and who will love me and my daughters? Am I not good enough? Pretty enough? Smart enough? You start to put yourself down. I have to remind myself that it’s going to happen to me when I least expect it. On God’s time.

As for my original question, what if it’s me? It is. I am the cause simply because I allowed the disrespect to increase. I looked at their potential versus their reality. If I truly loved and respected myself I would have recognized the signs of mistreatment, and I would have realized my worth and how valuable I am. Don’t allow anyone to mistreat, disrespect, or harm you in any way.

If the man or woman you are with doesn’t add to you, and they are always bringing you down, I have to tell you that they aren’t the one for you. There is someone out there that God made special just for you. They will never harm you, never mistreat you. They will be there for you when you need them supporting you and encouraging you. Don’t settle for someone whose only goal in life is to make you miserable.

Their potential doesn’t matter. If they show signs of disrespect and you allow it to ride it will increase; it will only get worse. I can honestly say I’ve never seen a relationship improve from a verbally abusive state to a normal healthy relationship.

Once Toxic, Always Toxic.

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