Not all Men but All Women

TRIGGER WARNING OF SEXUAL ASSAULT: Especially on Tiktok, I have been seeing the news about Sarah Everard and what happened to her. If you don't know, according to the NY times, Sarah Everard was a young woman who was raped and murdered by a police officer in the UK. You can read further about the story here: https://www.nytimes.com/2021/03/17/world/europe/sarah-everard-uk.html

Because of this situation, may women across the world have finally spoke up and said that this is enough. And I am taking this opportunity to speak up as well.

When I was younger, I was taught that women cannot dress with certain types of clothing because men won't be able to learn. My sister would buy me shorts that were past the lengths of my finger nails because they were too showy.

A guy that I thought I liked, took advantage of the fact that I liked him, and asked to hang out, and then in the car, shoved my head down to his crotch when I kept saying no, stop, I don't want to, stop it, stop it. But after, I still made sure his feelings were okay because I feared what a guy could do if I made him upset. That night I went home and showered and scrubbed my skin off as much as I could because I felt violated, I felt disgusting, I felt scared and alone.

In college, I started to work out because I hated my body, but the moment my guy friend said that he noticed my butt getting bigger and didn't see a problem of how it made me uncomfortable and that I should be flattered. So I stopped working out because I did not want anyone to look at my butt.

At my first apartment, walking home from work from the garage to my building, a car full of high school boys slowed down by me and shouted how I probably wanted to do sexual things to them and described to me how I should do it. That was scary to me because I was walking alone in the evening and I was one block away from the building but that was one block too far.

Just walking down my street to get some food, a guy yelled out "Hey mami, I love you" to me, and it made me want to punch him in the head because I am not sure what he wanted to accomplish but it scared me.

When I went to the club for the first time, I got drunk and I could not see or walk straight and a guy bought me more drinks and insisted I drink them and I drank it, not even looking him in the eye to have the conversation because I physically could not see straight and a guy took me home to his house and took my clothes off but my muscles couldn't even work enough for me to get up and stop him. I knew what was happening but I couldn't physically stop it. I couldn't get up. I couldn't walk straight. He took advantage of a drunk girl. No, it's not my fault because I got drunk. I was new at it.

When I went to the club again, I got passed around from guy to guy and guided to a guy as if I wanted to be touched and passed to a guy to touch me. Creepy guys would follow and my friends would try to protect me, grab me back. I never went to the club again.

This is barely half of it. Men have guilted me if I didn't do what they wanted, and made me feel unworthy and unsafe. If I did do it so that I would be safe and feel like I was worth it, he would share to all his friends and I would be labeled a sinner and a slut and immature because I went to a private school.

I am taught to make sure I am pretty enough to be treated nicely, but ugly enough to not be assaulted. But not even that is enough to keep you safe. It does not matter what you look like.

Men have told me that I should stop talking because I am prettier when I don't know. To stop saying dude, to read more books. To not cut my hair.

Honestly, I did not know how much has happened to me until I put it all together in this blog. This is what women mean when they say all men. Even the men we thought we felt safest with, have hurt us, had invalidated our fears about feeling objectified. Or men don't stick up for us when their friends show signs of being creepy or misogynistic. I thought all of this was my fault until now. I am not responsible for mens vial actions because I simply exist. I am not a pawn for you. I just want to live my life, achieve my dreams and die. I don't want to worry that I may be at risk of my safety for doing the basic things in life like walking home at 7 pm, in a predominately white neighborhood where police are and considered "safe".

Become educated. This is my first time sharing my story. There are many other women who have not shared yet.