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My Rape, Changed My Life.

by Allyson Flower about a year ago in body

“Slut Shamers Be Ready”

Some women have a higher body count because they’re put in a sexual situation that involves pressure from a man.

“I’ve said no - and they beat me.”

“I’ve said no - and they spread rumors about me.”

“I’ve said no - and they raped me.”

The slut shamers are not going to be ready for this conversation. But i sure the hell am, before i was not brave enough to come out and speak upon my experience. But this is becoming a concern to me, and it needs be addressed.

January 4th 2018, i was raped. I went out on a date with someone my age, close to my house. It was casual at first, sitting down having pizza, talking, socializing. It was finally time for me to go home, he drove me ( because my parents weren’t home at the time ) and as soon as i get to my destination, he fastly breaks, locks all doors, rolls up the window, and pushes me into the back seat. My thought at this point “He’s going to kill me.” He drives down to a local church about .5 miles away from my house. And i’m stuck in the car, i cannot get out. He pulls in, parks, and opens the door to get in the back with me. I’m kicking him and screaming. He eventually gets on top of me. I had no upper body strength. I went numb, i was in shock. It felt like a 500 pound man sat on my chest. He ripped all my clothes off, actually ripping them. Demanded me to suck his **** or “I was going to pay”. Then the worst of it all. Reminding you i was 18, i was a virgin at the time. The constant reminder of driving by that church every day, week, year. Sickens me. He turned something beautiful, into evil.

What hurts me the most, is he drove me home after it happened. Like it didn’t even happen... “After my rape, my life changed forever.”

I went from not having sex at all, ( virgin ) to becoming highly addicted and craving it everyday.

I started having sex with random people, safely of course.

I needed something to distract myself from the thoughts “he” was giving me. A way out, a coping mechanism.

After i got pregnant, and lost my first child, i started taking shit more seriously. I NEEDED to change. I wasn’t going to stop this monster from destroying my sanity.

That day he took apart of me, that i will never get back. Part of me wants revenge and wants him to rot in jail for the rest of his life.

But i also thank him for it.

Theres a Buddhist quote,

“Weak People Want Revenge, Strong People Will Forgive.”

I forgive him for what he did to me, did he **** me up along my journey, absolutely.

But he made me a stronger human being. And i see life more clear.

body

Allyson Flower

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