#METOO

I want to start this out by saying, that this is my story. It was my biggest kept secret. I hid the truth of what really happened that night, because for a long time- I wasn't even sure it constituted as assault I suffered for months and pushed down, bottled up and allowed my attack to remain a silent joy stealer in my life. Even now, I still have flash backs, And I question it all the time.

It happened 2 years ago. I Had just gotten out of a relationship, that was emotionally abusive. It was my first relationship where I had fallen in love. Even though I was lied to, cheated and manipulated I somehow still managed to love this person. After a year and a half- I finally wised up and walked away. For a while after I fell into this depression. I had become used to being in a relationship. My new found singleness was a hard adjustment. Encouragement from friends and family, lead me to revisit online dating. It was shortly after downloading bumble- that I came across him.

For now, we will call him Tim. Tim was not the most attractive man I had ever seen, but he seemed from his bio and photos to be kind enough. We matched and chatted for a few weeks. I was very uncomfortable with the idea of going on any dates. I just was not sure about it. Having just been so manipulated emotionally.. I was worried about jumping into something that would end similarly. For weeks, Tim was instant on taking me out. I always rain checked, or said no. I told him that I just was not sure But that id be more comfortable just being friends. It was almost as if he couldn't accept No of an answer.

I should have seen that as a red flag. I look back and think, had I noticed these things, I probably wouldn't have agreed to go out with him.

But never the less. I did end up giving in and agreeing to a date. my friends and family set my concerns aside, convinced me "What's the harm?"

My mom even said, " You need to go, You have been leading him on.. He deserves at least to meet you."

The date itself was not terrible. We seemed to get along. He took me out to dinner and a movie. We went and saw 'A Star Is Born' To this day, I feel massive anxiety when I hear the soundtrack from that movie. I have not watched it since- And probably never will.

After the movie, I was having a good time. So I agreed to his idea of riding far out of the city- to a corn field so we can watch the summer night sky. If anyone knows me, They would know I am a huge sucker for stargazing. I found it romantic, and just beautiful. Tim knew that, cause I told him over our multiple weeks conversation. He knew I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to do what I loved to do.

We get to this little spot off the side of a dirt road- in the middle of nowhere. I notice right away I don't have cell service. I began to feel uncomftable. A gut feeling that something was not right.

Now let me clarify that, During the weeks we had been talking beforehand. I had mentioned more then once that I was not interested in hooking up- or even having sex. I was still dealing with hurt and pain from my last relationship regarding sex. I had told Tim this on more then one occasion, and He always responded with "Okay. That's fine. I would never hurt you." Or "I understand completely." So I felt reassured by his kind words enough to trust him.. Boy was I completely wrong.

So now we are in the middle of nowhere- I have no cell service and even if I did, I didn't know my surrounds well enough to be able to direct anyone to me. I was beginning to feel afraid.

Tim noticed my uneasiness. and offered me a beer, from a cooler in his back seat. I took it, thinking maybe i'm just reading to much into the situation. I just needed to calm my nerves.

Over the course of an hour or two. We set on his tailgate, chatted watched the sky and drank a full case between the both of us. I had never been drunk in my life. And I was definitely feeling tipsy. Soon it turned from hanging out having a good time to innocent kisses- to more aggressive making out. Tim began to push me down in the bed of his truck. Grinding on top of me. I pushed him off and sat up.. "I told you I'm not ready." I told him and scooted away from him Fear and anxiety rushed over me.

He became mad. "Are you for real going to just tease me like that, then not give up?" He reached across and placed his hands between my thighs.

"You Can't tell me your not turned on by me." I grabbed his hand and attempted to push it away. " I told you- I don't want to have sex. I think you should take me home now." I went to stand up and jump down from the bed of his truck. But he grabbed me and pulled me back down. "What about what I want?" He growled. He pushed me down and climbed on top of me. He began to kiss me aggressively. "No .Please." I begged and tried to push him off but he was far stronger then me. I was getting mad at myself because I knew That I didn't want to have sex, He was pushing me.. All while his touches were pleasuring to me. My body was reacting, In a way that I couldn't control. I orgasmed. He took this as an opportunity to rip my clothes off, and push into me. With out a condom. As soon as he slid into me. I screamed. "STOP!STOP!" I squirmed and moved around to try and get out from under him. He covered my mouth with his hands and pushed me down so hard, that I was completely pinned under him.

"Shh." He said. "You got me so hard." He procced to rape me for what seemed like hours,, but realistically the whole thing lasted maybe five minutes. It was the longest and most tortuous five minutes in my life.

When he finished, He pulled out stood up and put his pants back on. I laid there, numb tear streaking down my face. and in the most pain I have ever felt. Tim looked down and saw my face. "Damn! I must have dicked you real good. Look at you- You cant even catch you breath." He hopped down from the bed of his truck. "Ill give you a minute to get dressed. But I should take you home now."

I slowly, painstaking sat up and pulled my pants back on. Climbed out of the bed of the truck, and climbed into the passenger seat.

Honestly I don't really remember much after that. I just remember getting home. And him looking at me and saying. "I Had fun. Your amazing. Ill text you, maybe we can do this again sometime." I kind of nodded as a response and jumped out of the car as fast as I could. When I walked into my house- I was relived to see that everyone was asleep. I slunk around in the kitchen, Took some Tylenol drank some water..And headed to bed. Hoping that Sleep would help me forget.

The next day, My mom asked me how the date went. And for some reason...I told her it was great. I lied to her. In my mind.. I justified what had happened. I orgasmed so I must have liked it. I could have done more to stop it. Maybe I did lead him on. I owed him sex for leading him on. Maybe I was not clear enough. It was my fault. It wasn't really rape.

This Is what I told myself. That next day, Id shower- and while undressing would see the marks he left on my body. Huge purple spots on my shoulder blades from where I was forcefully shoved into the uneven floor of the bed of the truck. finger print looking bruises on my hips and blueish imprints in-between my thighs.

After my shower- Tim texted me. He wrote me a long message explaining that he realized he was not ready for a relationship. How he had past trauma to deal with first.. and How he thought it would be best that we go our separate ways.

That's when I broke down. Somehow this is what hurt me the most. that he just used me took advantage of me and dumped me all in a 24 hour period. \

I cried in my bed for three days. My mom of course asked me what had happened. So I told her that I had ended up having sex with Tim, and then he dumped me. She tried her best to comfort me. But She didn't know how deep my pain was.That was my fault for never telling her the truth of what had happened.

I had moved forward. I dove deep into my job- working 100 hour weeks. I lost weight, was not eating. My eating disorder that, I had went to treatment for had made a full return. I suffered alone. Because I had convinced myself that I didn't have a story to tell. I convinced myself that even if I did come forward- who would believe me? What could anyone do? What happened, happened and I can't change it.

I didn't tell a single person for a year. And to this day the only person that knows what truly happened is my now fiancé. I went through a season of self growth after my assault. And found my soul mate. He broke down walls in me that I didn't even know I had up. I finally felt comfortable enough to release this weight of my assault.

I have done a lot of self healing from my rape, I've come a long way! I view it now as part of my history. I have accepted it and moved forward. I am not a victim- I am a survivor. Just like so many other woman around the world. It happened to me too. But I choose to be a survivor- rather then a victim.

This is my secret. Its my secret and my biggest story to tell.