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Me Too

The Awareness Campaign that No One Wants to Be a Part Of

By Emily MPublished 6 years ago 23 min read
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Photo by Emily Means, @emilymeansy

You may have heard about or seen the hashtag, #MeToo spreading around recently on social media. If not, then you probably aren't on social media too much. Either way, I'll make a quick recap about the social media campaign. The most recent trending hashtag caught on after Alyssa Milano sent out a tweet encouraging victims of sexual assault and harassment to use the hashtag. Some simply said, me too, while others shared some or all of their story. These brave words and stories spread across Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook for many to see. People bared their scars for everyone in the hopes of making some change. People cut open their wounds to show other victims that they are not alone and that sexual abuse and harassment are an epidemic. Before I get any further, I want to note that the Me Too movement was started by Tarana Burke over ten years ago. There is a great article about how the movement was started and her activism work, click here to read it.

A few nights ago, I stumbled upon some tweets talking about the Me Too hashtag, so I decided to start looking at the hashtag. So many emotions started rushing towards the surface. It hurt to read that countless people went through similar experiences. It hurt to know that I was one of those people that was saying Me Too inside my head. This was a movement that I didn't want to be a part of, I didn't want to admit that I had been taken advantage of. I read untold stories, I scrolled for forever, amazed at how many people were opening up, and also amazed that people were able to tell so much about their experiences in so few characters. The best thing about this movement was seeing so many people comfort each other. We recognized that we had all been hurt, but we were here for each other. We let each other know that it wasn't our fault, that we weren't alone, and that we can all survive that horrible moment in our life, or those many horrible moments. For many of us, this was the first time that we had heard those words. We were finally being heard, believed, and acknowledged.

I've always been so scared to talk about my experience because I don't want people to twist the two truths about me, my sexuality and my abuse. I don't want people to think that they know everything about my life just because they know two aspects of my life. But, I put that fear aside in this moment. I knew that sharing a little bit of my story could help someone else. It could make people more aware of the horrendous acts that are still happening today to people everywhere.

The details of the abuse won't actually help anyone, so I'm not going to share them. But, if there is anyone that needs someone to talk to, you can always find me on social media through my bio and I will try to help. I still don't feel comfortable revealing everything about my experience, but I will give you what I shared on Twitter.

#MeTooI was 5He was a family memberI wasn't believedWhat I was told:I made it upHe shouldn't feel guiltyHeal my relationship with him

...

I still say sorry for breaking up the family. I shouldn't feel guilty, I was taken advantage of. I needed help, but no one helped me then.

Although the abuse happened when I was about 5, I first told someone when I was about 11 or 12. I held it in for so long because I thought that I would get in trouble. I was the kind of kid that hated getting in trouble. If I knew that you were mad or disappointed in me, I would go cry in the corner. When I learned that people weren't supposed to touch each other in their private areas, I felt terrible. I grew frustrated with myself for not instinctively knowing that what had happened was wrong. I was also mad that I had let myself be taken advantage of. Looking back on this now, I realize how messed up it is that I spent my entire childhood feeling terrible about myself. I spent years telling myself that I was one of the lucky ones. I hadn't been forced up against the wall or pinned down. But, I was pressured. I was an innocent child that didn't know anything about sex or that I was being manipulated. I was used to pleasure someone else, I was forced to provide them pleasure. I was 5, he was significantly older, but still considered a child.

In my particular experience, the actions of the other adults in my life that I tried to get help from were just as painful as my abuse. As I mentioned before, I was about 11 or 12 when I first told someone. The first thing I remember them saying is that there is no way that he would have done something like that. He was a good kid and wasn't capable of such a thing. They asked me if I was making it up, if I was trying to get more attention since my other cousins were getting more attention recently. They said that if what I was accusing him of did happen, it couldn't have been him, it had to have been one of my other cousins. I wasn't believed, so I shut down. I pushed everything back in, I questioned myself, I regretted speaking out. I wanted to be comforted, to know that everything wasn't my fault, but I wasn't even believed.

I was about 17 when I told the next person. They were furious, but not at me. They were mad that the other person I had told years ago hadn't told them. They felt bad about making me go to family gatherings every year where I was around my abuser. I've had to take pictures, give him hugs, and act like everything was fine. The person that I told felt bad, they felt guilty, which ended up making me feel guilty. I wasn't reaching out to make people angry at my abuser or to make everyone else in my life feel guilty. I don't really know why I was speaking out or what I wanted. I knew that I needed help, I didn't know how to handle everything that was going on in my head. I was tired of constantly talking to myself and keeping everything in. I desperately wanted someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault. But, I never really got that reaction from anyone. I don't blame anyone for not reacting the way that I wanted or needed. They were learning about something horrible that I had kept in for years. It wasn't their fault for being shocked. Ideally, they could have reacted better, but there's nothing you can do to change what they said and did.

After telling the second person, things kind of erupted at my house. Long story short, I ended up talking again with the first person that I told. After asking them if they believed me, they finally said yes. But, I'm still not sure if they do. Ultimately, they ended up telling me that I have to move on. They said that these kind of things happen to everyone. Yes, this stuff does happen all of the time, but that doesn't mean that it's right. These things shouldn't be happening.

The most recent event, literally a month ago, really took me by surprise. I am 23 now if that gives you a better perspective of this timeline. This time, a family member asked me if I had been molested by my abuser. This person has a special relationship with my abuser and essentially raised him. When they asked me, I felt like I couldn't breathe. My entire body was red hot and I could feel the tears coming. I never wanted this person to know. I didn't want them to blame themselves because at that time, they were babysitting me and my abuser. The entire conversation that we had recently was really confusing and it will be hard to tell it without saying the relationships of the people that I have already told. So, I will just give you the gist of the story. This person asked me, and I think my first response was "Who told you?" They said that the second person that I had opened up to told them. I was just so confused. In this same conversation, they ended up talking about my parents and saying how they should get a divorce. They talked about all of the other people in my family that have drug issues, crime issues, marital problems, etcetera. They said that my dad and I need to work on being nicer to my mom and not shut her out. I told them multiple times that I didn't want to talk about it, but they kept pushing. With each additional question about the abuse, I became more and more frustrated and ended up eventually answering some of them. They asked if it was physical, but I didn't know how to answer this question. At that moment in my mind, I was thinking that they were asking me if I had been physically hurt, as in bruises and cuts, so I said no. I now realize that they were probably asking if there was physical contact, and there was. So, there's no telling what they think happened.

I didn't want to talk about it. I sat there stiff as a board with tears rolling down my cheeks. I kept trying to wipe them away discretely because I didn't want her to see me sad or hurting. I knew it wouldn't work because I turn bright red when I cry and my eyes were blood-shot. I could tell that they felt a little bad about what happened, which explains why the next statements were made. They said that they have always been diligent about never leaving two kids alone. They apparently never would have let something like this happen. I said that there were countless hours where I was alone, either by myself, or with other cousins. They then said that he shouldn't feel guilty or be ashamed. All boys are interested in sex and other people's bodies, so he was just experimenting. They said that a ton of teenagers want to experiment, and he was practically still a kid himself. They said that they played doctor when they were a kid and looked at other people's bodies. They weren't ashamed of that, so my abuser shouldn't be ashamed of what he did to me. The last excuse that was made for him is that he may not be "all there." He grew up in a rough home when he was younger, but I don't see how this is an excuse for him. Even if they think that this excuse is valid, they shouldn't have ever said any of this to me.

I had already grabbed my keys, and I was shaking. I said that I had to leave, I couldn't take it anymore. They started saying that they were sorry that what they said had hurt me, but I shouldn't let something like this ruin my life. They hoped that my relationship with my abuser wasn't ruined, in fact, they said that they would hate it if I let this come in between him and I. I grabbed my things and started to walk out, they grabbed me and hugged me. I can't even remember what they were saying at that point, I just wanted to get away. I got in my truck and started screaming, and continued to cry. It probably wasn't the smartest idea to drive home in the condition that I was in, but I had to escape.

I don't understand how they could possibly think that just because my abuser was still considered a child that it was okay for him to do what he did to me. What happened wasn't okay, but I have accepted that now. There is nothing that you can do to change that. He should have been taught that other people aren't there for his pleasure. He shouldn't have grabbed his 5 year old cousin and made her pleasure him. I have spent my entire life telling myself that I shouldn't have gone with him, I should have known that what was happening was wrong. I shouldn't have told anyone because it made things worse. I'm tired of making myself feel bad about someone else's actions. It is his fault, he should feel guilty, and I shouldn't have had two out of the three people tell me that I made it up, that what happened wasn't wrong, that I should just get over it.

By the time that I got home, I felt like I was going to throw up and I felt light-headed. I've always turned to food and alcohol in my past to comfort me. I still use food to comfort me, but I didn't want to eat anything then. So, I watched some comedy shows, I needed to laugh through the tears. I heard my phone beep, so I looked at it. It was a text from the person that I had just been talking with.

I love you very much!!!! I wish I had you for a best friend. Please go to Colorado with me and ****. Let's put the pain in its place and celebrate being alive.

The name that I blurred out was my abuser. Yes, they wanted me to go on a vacation with my abuser. I found out later that this person asked my abuser if he remembered "playing sexually" with any of his cousins. He said that he didn't have any such memory, and that was the end. They believed him and not me. I never wanted them to know about the abuse because I didn't want them to pick a side. But, they have picked a side, and it isn't mine. What frustrates me the most about the conversation with this last person is that they wanted me to feel bad for my abuser. They wanted me to forgive him because he had a rough childhood. They made so many excuses for why he sexually assaulted me. They never said that it shouldn't have happened. They never took responsibility for not teaching him the right things. They never made my abuser take responsibility, they only defended him. Instead of comforting the victim, they tried to make me have sympathy for my abuser. Sadly, they aren't the only one that feels sorry for him. Since this latest conversation, things within my family have blown up. I've been forced to have the conversation again and again, to explain myself again. The first person that I told has since tried to make excuses for him. Again, the way he grew up, he couldn't be held responsible. It really pisses me off because I was sexually assaulted when I was 5, and I haven't done anything to anyone. I haven't necessarily had the best hand dealt to me, but I have done my best to be a good person. I will admit that I had a better hand dealt to me than he did, but that doesn't give him the right to assault me. Why are excuses constantly made for him?

To be honest, I have given up on most of my family members. I'm not going to any family gatherings in the near future for one side of my family. Who knows what will be said about me. All I know is that I can't be in their presence. It's too painful for me. I know that everyone else in my life thinks that I should get over it, that I should go for the rest of the family. I have done that my entire life, but I just can't do it anymore. I've dealt with so much crap and I can't take it anymore.

I don't think some people realize what it's like to be disgusted by your body. There will be random moments when everything comes back to you, and you feel like you are worthless. You feel gross and unwanted unless someone else has complete control over you. You feel ashamed and broken, like no one else will ever want you. I feel like I will never be able to be with someone or that they won't understand. I've sought comfort in food and alcohol, and I now have an unhealthy relationship with both. I hate being around a lot of people or noises, I get too overwhelmed. I'm scared to death of the dark, I have panic attacks, and daily activities are hard. It's even difficult to just go to the grocery store or gas station by myself. I am constantly aware of everything, I am always on high alert, and it's exhausting. I hate looking people in the eye, I hate hugs and physical contact, and I hate myself sometimes too. There are many days where I don't even feel like my body belongs to me. I feel like it belongs to everyone else around me. It's not mine, and it's not me. I no longer trust people and I feel like everyone is out there to hurt me. And yet people wonder why I like being alone. I'm the only one that I can trust.

After all of this, I know that there isn't really anything that these people can do to heal our relationship. It may be selfish and hateful of me, but I don't want to be around people that would make excuses for themselves and my abuser before they think to offer me any comfort or just a listening and non-judgmental ear. All I ever wanted was someone to listen and to try to understand. I felt so confused and alone, and I felt like there was so much pressure on me. I didn't want anyone to change the world for me, I just wanted to be told that I would be okay. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I needed someone to tell me that I would be okay. I felt so much guilt for not speaking out sooner. Maybe they would have believed me then. Besides, there was nothing that they could do so many years later. I still feel guilty because I don't want anyone else to get hurt. But, there isn't anything that can legally be done now in my case. It's just my word against his, and who would ever believe me? I truly hope that no one else has been hurt by him and that no one else ever will.

I did end up writing a letter to the last person that confronted me because I needed to speak my mind. I wanted them to know a bit more about me and why I didn't want them to know. I don't know if or when I will see this person again, but I really wanted to make it clear to them that they didn't handle this situation correctly. I desperately want them to learn from their mistakes so that they won't further hurt any other victims in the future.

I want to share with you a little post that I put up on Instagram after the #MeToo campaign flourished.

It's not just straight women. It's men, trans people, gay people, non-binary people, it's everyone and it's everywhere. I don't mean that because it's everywhere that you should "just get over it" like so many are told to do. I mean that because it's everywhere, we all play a role. We all know someone, whether it's a victim or an abuser. We all have a responsibility to act responsibly. Help victims that come to you. Listen to them, believe them, help them if that's what they want. Let them know that it is not their fault. Teach children, and apparently adults, what is right and what is wrong. Learn what sexual assault [and harassment] is. Teach people that other people's bodies don't belong to you. People aren't objects to possess and use as you please.

I also want to point out that sexual harassment is a huge problem in this world. Many people don't realize what sexual harassment is, and I think that this campaign has helped create a much needed conversation. Sexual harassment can include unwelcome sexual advances, requests for sexual favors, and other verbal or physical harassment of a sexual nature.

If it helps any, I will give you a few examples from my past. The first example was in middle school. I was in math class where we sat in groups at tables where the chairs weren't attached. A boy in the class walked up behind me and started humping me up against the table. He did it about three times and stopped before the teacher turned around. I was so embarrassed, so nothing happened to him. The next example was also in middle school where a boy grabbed me by my pants and pulled on them so that they could stick their gum down in my pants. It definitely wasn't easy getting that gum out of my jeans when I got home.

My next example is when I was in college. Keep in mind that this was a tiny community college in the middle of nowhere. I was walking to my morning class, but I had to walk across the dorm area from the parking lot to the other side of campus. It was freezing cold outside, so I was all bundled up. So, the whole crap excuse of "You shouldn't have worn something provocative" doesn't work. The only skin showing was my face and my hands. Two guys walked up beside me and just said hey. I said hey back, just trying to be a nice person. They then said, "Can I get your number?" I responded no and that I wasn't interested. One guy then said, "Awe come on, you got a nice ass for a white girl." I looked away and sped up my walking. I'm really short, so it's easy for people to catch up to me, actually, it's almost impossible to not catch up with me. They kept asking for my number, I didn't respond. The guy then said that he would show me how to be fucked right and that I wouldn't be disappointed. I kept ignoring him, and he asked for my number again. When I stopped responding, he got mad. He said that I didn't have to be such a bitch. He said he was just trying to be nice. They were literally walking beside me, only inches away. They wouldn't back off. I got to the point on the sidewalk where there were stairs. I was able to outrun them a bit and went a different direction. Luckily, they didn't follow me. I went out of my way and was almost late to class that day.

My last experience was when I was walking across campus to my truck after my last class of the day. It was starting to get a little dark, but it wasn't quite nighttime yet. The parking at this school wasn't the best, so I had to park over by the dorms on this day. There was no one else around when I heard a guy yelling out "Hey girl, come here." I turned around to make sure that no one was right behind me, and there wasn't. But, I saw someone leaning out of their dorm window. I sped up and kept walking. He then yelled, "Hey, come on up here. Come on girl, I'll fuck you right. You know you want it." He and someone else started laughing, but I didn't look back. I made it to my truck and I can't tell you how safe I felt to finally drive away. I without a doubt am not lucky to have experienced sexual harassment, but I am lucky that these last two experiences did not turn into rape.

I truly want people to start teaching children what is right and wrong. We shouldn't make the excuse that "boys will be boys." If people want to experiment when they are young, that's fine, but they should do it by themselves. No one should ever be allowed or encouraged to manipulate an underage child into doing sexual acts. Actually, it's not just children. No one should be manipulated, coerced, or forced to be involved in anything of a sexual nature. People shouldn't be touched unless you have their permission and they are able to consent. If someone doesn't understand what is going on, then they can't consent, plain and simple. So, teach children these things, and maybe we won't have children, teenagers, and adults raping each other.

With the whole #MeToo campaign recently, I have come to realize that there were strangers that told me the things that I should have heard from my own family members years ago, and even a month ago. People finally believed me, they heard me. They never questioned me or told me that he couldn't have done something like that. They told me that what happened was wrong and that it wasn't my fault. They told me that they have gone through similar things and understand that it's hard to speak out, it's hard to confront your abuser. It's hard to live through these experiences and after these experiences. There was so much support among complete strangers, and it was beautiful. But, it was heartbreaking and sad to learn that so many were in the same position as me. So many hadn't been believed, so many were told to get over it. So many were left to deal with things on their own. We were all here together, supporting each other, and yet it's sad.

For anyone that is reading this that has been through a similar experience, please know that I believe you and I know that it is not your fault. I know that it hurts. It hurts to remember, it hurts when you forget. There are some details that you forget, and others that won't go away. You drive yourself crazy thinking about what you could have done different. I've done it for years, but as hard as it is to admit to yourself, you need to know that the only thing that should have been done differently is that your abuser shouldn't have abused you. They made that decision to hurt you, to take advantage of you, and you are not at fault for their bad decisions. I'm so tired, and I'm sure you are too, of hearing that people need to stop being vulnerable. Instead of saying that, maybe we should start saying that people should stop taking advantage of those vulnerabilities. I do realize that my experiences aren't as bad as what some have experienced, but that doesn't mean that I should just get over it or that I shouldn't feel hurt. It's not a competition between everyone that has experienced pain.

For some people, it is easy to move on, not necessarily forget, but to keep moving. Some may suppress their experiences so deep down that it's almost like they forgot. But, there are those days when everything comes rushing back to you. It makes you feel sick, and it's hard to even function on those days. After reading so many stories and reliving mine multiple times, I want you to remember that you have to take care of yourself. Sadly, the pain will never go away completely, but you can move on as best as you can. Remember to make time for yourself and to take care of yourself. Do things that make you happy, listen to music, go for a walk, watch a funny movie, or take a nap. It can be tiring to constantly be in your head, so give yourself time to rest. I can't promise that it will be easy. There will be days that are absolutely horrible, but you have to stick around for the good days. You have to stick around to see if we are able to make this world a better place for the next generation. There's a lot of work left to do, and we need good people like you to help. Take care and stay strong.

feminism
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Emily M

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