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Me, the Sexist Feminist!

Am I a sexist feminist? Or, how sexism is utterly structural in our society.

By The European ExperimentPublished 6 years ago 10 min read
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Photo by GREG KANTRA on Unsplash - modified

A couple of months ago, I was reading the book from Reni Eddo-Lodge, Why I'm No Longer Talking to White People About Race. She talks about systemic racism in the UK. I would never have the audacity to say I can relate as I am white and born into an upper middle class family from France. But, her combat truly rang a bell and I wasn't sure why that bell vibrated so damn strongly inside of me.

As a child, I was always so serious and hard-working. Therefore, I was proud to say my achievements were my own and that I deserved each and every one of them. Now, my views have slightly changed about the authenticity of these successes. My studies, my graduations, my apartment rental, my first job interview and so on... I got all of that without trying that hard. I mean, sure, I worked my ass off but I was given every opportunity to do so. It was only up to me to decide whether I wanted to put in the effort or not. For long, I've been oblivious to this truth. The truth that says everything has come easy to me. Because I'm white. Because I was born in the good side of town. My key problem while I was growing up was to make sure I was not putting on too much weight, so you see, I've had it easy. Unfortunately, this is not a struggle I've completely won yet but that's a topic for another day. However, one last thing I will say is that this massive fear of gaining weight is so very telling of the unneeded pressure society puts on my gender. Women feel they need to be skinny and beautiful to succeed in life. And, this is not a requirement for men. There you go, a perfect example of structural sexism!

Overall, I had a very happy childhood. Sure, we had the usual dead grand-parents and some history with cancer. But who hasn't had that same life story? My parents say I was (usually) a very sweet kid. So, it was always striking to my surroundings that I would get so angry at times and have so much hatred building up inside of me for no apparent reason.

Finally, at 16, I discovered why in reading Simone de Beauvoir's writings and especially The Second Sex. This brought feminism into my life and what it meant to be a feminist. I read other French feminist authors and identified even more so with their struggles. Which, I guess, says a lot! How can classical white feminism from the '50s be identifiable to the Y generation? Their ideas should not be modern but fully antiquated as our society had more than half a century to implement them! But, instead, in 2018 and in France, unequal paycheck (for the same job) is still an unresolved problem, untackled even!

Once, I welcomed feminism into my life, my eyes started to sharpen. Inside my own family first. Without much surprise, my first feminist outburst was towards my father. A great father but a lousy helper at home. Not once did I seen him cook a meal or undress the table that was set for him before he came back from work. As a protest I would say: If it's too low of a task for him then it's too low of a task for me! Although, looking back, I was mostly a lazy teenager that was trying to get out of her chores! And, my dad mostly wanted everyone but him to do the chores because, really, he hated doing them. Nothing sexist nor structural about it.

Later on, my rebellious feminist side shifted towards my mother. She was a stay-at-home mom and I started hating that about her. I hated that all she did was cook and take care of the household. I never admitted to myself that that was an incredible and hard job. I never acknowledged that if I was myself and if I had the luxury of thinking those feminist thoughts, it was precisely because she had been that amazing mom to me. I never empowered her as the strong female model she really was. It took me some time to understand this was my sexist side that made me think like that.

Because what is feminism if not a total and utter free will of living your life as you see fit, for whichever type of human you are? Not only women but men, transgender, asexual and everyone else! Feminism means being free, whoever the fuck you are!

I started to wonder who had put that idea in my head? The idea that being a stay-at-home mom and raising your own kid is less valuable than having a plain old job?! Well…

SOCIETY! Because, society dictates who to financially reward.

Society decided to pay those working in gun manufactures or insurance companies or those managing god knows who doing god knows what. And it's society, again, that decided that giving birth and molding the future generation of the world was worth nothing...financially. In our society, a woman must have kids to be considered a complete woman but she will never be rewarded financially because it is her duty to her family and to the world. That means that you're "not really" a woman if you don't have kids and you're "just" a woman if you have them! That's a lose-lose scenario for any women in the world. A woman who is "only" a mother and a woman who's not a mother but has a job can never be Fucking Amazing according to Society. To be Fucking Amazing, a woman will always need to be both! Where a man can only be one thing. And there you have it. The first stone of structural sexism. And, me applying this structural sexism to my mother is the very first example in my life of how I became a sexist feminist.

Growing up, I wanted to become an astronaut and I was so lucky that no one ever told me I couldn't do it, at least not because I was a girl. Maybe, because I didn't exercise enough or because I smoked and drank too much but never because I was a girl! Anyway, that's why I ended up studying mechanical engineering. To become an astronaut. Only 10% of women per class! I'm not gonna lie, it was actually Heaven (if you're into boys, of course).

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

Although, usually, they looked much more like the fellows below!

Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash

Look at me judging men by their cover! Bad me!

But that's what happened to me during my studies, I became a man! I didn't realize it at the time. But, I wanted to fit in so badly that I mimicked the behaviors of the boys around me! Ten per cent of women. Talk of minority! That added up to twenty women for a class of 200. I remember, the first day of engineering school, one of the girl alumni told me that as a woman you started engineering school single but you always graduated as a married woman (or soon-to). One thing I knew: I wasn't becoming an engineer to find a husband! What I wanted was to make friends and be considered by my fellow classmates as an equal. I didn't want to be one of the girls, at least not only! So I started partying like the boys, I started drinking like the boys, I started playing rugby like the boys, I started swearing like the boys, I started eating like the boys and on and on... I was still a woman but I wasn't really me anymore. This unconscious plan worked out perfectly, I made many friends and was 100% included! Although today, when I think about this time, I am ashamed. Why the hell, did I think I needed to change who I was and become more of a dude to be considered? I thought me being like the boys was the best testimony to the feminist inside of me, but again, this was only me being a sexist feminist, fully dismissing what made me a woman, thinking the woman part of me would only hold me back.

This self-sabotage would happen again and again once I started working. Unfortunately, I didn't turn out to be an astronaut (shocking, you say?!) but landed a very manly job. Which I was very excited about! I tried to be myself but my mentors and superiors were all men. And, each woman-trait I would exhibit was seen as weakness or counter-productive. My first days, I would listen to what everyone had to say in meetings and only speak when they were all done speaking. But, my colleagues and superiors never did that, it was up to who could talk the loudest and who could interrupt the most. So one day I decided to do the same and I got high praised. I didn't listen to other good ideas anymore but who cared, I was making noise!! I also used to be very empathetic at the beginning, it mattered deeply to me to minimize the impact my job might have on others (by that I mean, downsizing). But this, often, implied not taking the shortest road. I was told, I was inefficient! So, I copied what my male colleagues (pleonasm) did. And again, I was congratulated. It came to a point where at the restaurant I would order the same dish as my colleagues - red meat...Always drippy red meat - although, I already had the wish to become a vegetarian ^^

I had become a hunter! Not that this is bad. It's just, why couldn't I be the gatherer I really was? And, how was being a gatherer worse than being a hunter? The sexist feminist in me had become my everyday companion.

Reni Eddo-Lodge writes in her book that racism is structural and embedded in every layer of the society. Even if you don't think of yourself as a racist, you will probably have, at least once in your lifetime, been reprehensible of structural racism. In the professional world, this can translate by white men control jobs and hire more white men! Well, structural sexism suffers from exactly that same topic. Men are still at the top of the pyramid and men hire other men. And when they don't and finally hire a woman, they expect her to act like a man! That wouldn't be too bad if women copied all of the men behaviors and started hiring other women and promoting them.

But, NO! Women are truly their own worst enemies, at times!

Women do not want to be tagged of favoritism (or feminism). Maybe, they believe there is a limited amount of jobs for women in a company and they can't risk their role. But, this is so miguided! Women need to mentor other women, promote them, be their best advocate and cheer them on. Women have to stick together! I am not saying this needs to be eternal but until structural sexism is not resolved in our society, women will need to actively help one another. It's time we cut out the sexist in us and let the feminist shine!

Let's be sexy feminists! Let's be sensitive feminists! Let's be smart feminists! Let's be sexual feminists! Let's be superhero feminists! Let's be sentimental feminists! Let's be shy feminists! Let's be strong feminists! Let's be supersized feminists! Let's be smiling feminists! Let's be spirited feminists! Let's be successful feminists! But, let's never again be sexist feminists.

Each sand grain contributes to making a beach (here's a little summer metaphor for you!) So if I've made one of you really think about structural sexism, that's already plenty.

feminism
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About the Creator

The European Experiment

A girl from Europe travels the world. She'll be sharing the wonders of our world and fun facts about cultural differences.

On my side, I promess not to talk only about men, but let's face it, international dating is as good as it gets!

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