‘Let me know when you’re home.’

How many times have you said this or messaged this to your female friends? Or waited with them for their taxi to arrive? How many times have you walked home from somewhere and held you keys in your hand? Taken your earphones out, or pretended to be on the phone to a friend? Walked faster when you’ve heard footsteps behind you? Had the number of emergency services ready for you to dial quickly?

Who taught you these things? What made you start doing them? And do you message this to your male friends?

My sister and I have always done all of these and until today, we have never talked about it. There are twelve years difference between us and as the older sister I have never shared my thoughts on ‘safety’ with her. We have just done these things and I knew she was doing them too. No one taught us or shared what was necessary to keep us safe. We have just done this, all of us because we needed to keep ourselves safe, mitigating the risk.

I have had male friends tell me I’m over reacting, but I’m not. I’ve been followed home numerous times. Last year I was out with a group of work colleagues. We were walking to the tube station. Myself and two of my male colleagues said goodbye to a female colleagues as was about to jump on her bike to ride home. I automatically said, ‘Text me when you get home.” I didn’t think about it, it’s what we do. Right?

I was surprised when one of my male colleagues said, 'don’t be silly, you’re being mumsy.' It was in that moment that I started to really think about different experiences between men and women. Was I being silly? Over-reacting? Then I thought about the experiences both myself and my friends have had.

Over the years we have talked about the bigger moments where we have been harassed or abused, from being followed home to a man rubbing up against one of my friends on the tube to another friend being stalked by a colleague at work. Every one of my friends has experienced some sort of harassment. Everyone has multiple stories. EVERY ONE of them.

But it is the small ones, the lewd remarks, the comments about our appearance, the wolf whistles, the bum grabs that we shrug off as normal. The ones we think….. that’s normal, it’s not even worth mentioning or talking about. I know I have. So many moments I have shrugged off, not thought about or talked about. Boys will be boys. Oh F**k off!

We have to talk about this. We have to tell you how often we don’t do things because there is a risk that we may be harassed, raped or murdered. In a study* in the US about street harassment - 99% of women have experienced street harassment. In this study, 20% of women have been followed, 23% of women have been sexually touched and 9% have been forced to do something sexual. That’s 1 in 5 women have been followed, nearly 1 in 4 have been sexually touched and nearly 1 in 10 have been forced to do something sexual. Now do you understand why we do these things to keep ourselves. It’s not rare, it’s common! That we have unconsciously been doing these things to keep us safe says something about our culture.

The more I talk about our experiences as women, the more I realise that there is something to talk about.

Boys!!! Have you asked the women in your life what they do to keep themselves safe? What are their experiences of sexual harassment? This isn’t a conversation that should be happening just amongst women. We need you to step. To lend your voice to ours. To call out the unacceptable banter and boy will be boys’ mindset. Part of the change is you. We need to change the language and the way we speak about women and not shrug off the little moments. Because it is NOT acceptable. I did not say yes to this and I do not want your unwanted attention.

* Study on street harassment - https://stopstreetharassment.org/resources/statistics/