Keeping My Legs Closed for Jesus

At one point in my life, I was a church member… one of those “good girl” church members. I was one of those good girls who went to church and strived/tried to be wholesome and pure. I can remember my grandmother (who was one of the saintly church Mother’s) saying to me, “Good church girls keep their legs closed.” When I heard this, I didn’t really understand just why I needed to, “keep my legs closed,” but as I got older, it became more apparent to me that it meant a variety of things… and they all centered around my pussy (OOPS!), I mean vagina.

As I got older, I began to question where my rapidly burgeoning sexual desires fit within the church’s teachings regarding sex. My pussy was getting hotter and hotter and hotter and the only religious guidance I was receiving was “keep your legs closed.” This made absolutely no sense to me because I noticed that my male counterparts were not receiving the same advice. From the church lock-ins to the women’s singles ministry, the message was the same: Keep your legs closed.

I never understood where this staunch religious idea of virginal purity came from and why it was constantly drilled into my head. I heard many tales of male church leaders enticing female congregants to sleep with them, touching females in inappropriate ways to stir up sexual desires (to get them to sleep with them), right down to minister’s wives providing female members as sexual offerings to please their husbands/ministers.

It was all mind boggling to me to the point where one Sunday, I couldn’t take it anymore. This day, the topic of the sermon was dealing with sex and sexuality. The minister was going on and going about how women should remain virginal, it’s a gift to give to men, only bad women aren’t virgins, blah, blah, blah. My mind was clouded with thousands of questions; so much so that I raised my hand to ask them. My grandmother looked at me in a state of shock that my hand was in the air and quickly pushed my hand back to my thigh. She leaned over and whispered in my ear, “What question do you have?!” I looked at her and said, “I have a lot of questions.” She looked at me with fear in her eyes and shook her head as if to say, “No, we don’t ask questions.”

As the minster continued to rant about sexuality (which then turned into a bashing of same-sex relationships), I decided to get up and leave. I looked at my grandmother and whispered in her ear, “I’m leaving. I’m not listening to this anymore.” I walked out feeling a variety of emotions: relief, pride, and ownership of MY sexuality. However, I still didn’t understand why there was this firm belief that women should, “keep their legs closed.” (NOTE: My grandmother reluctantly left with me.)

So… years later, I left the church completely and renounced my Christian identity. There were a variety of reasons as to why I left the church with sexuality being one of the top three reasons (1. Lack of female leadership, 2. Lack of sex/sexuality education, 3. Notion that Christianity is the ONLY way to spiritual enlightenment). As I’ve gotten older, I began to delve into why there is a, “secrecy,” or lack of conversation around sex/sexuality in the church and have decided that it has its roots in power and control— which leads to fear of the leadership position in the church and control of the vagina.

Virginity/Purity

To examine this idea, we first must acknowledge that virginity is a social construct and not biological. While one would argue that it could be biological based on the hymen being broken, we must understand that the hymen does not have to brake only through vaginal penetration. She could have fallen and it broke; she could have broken it riding a bike. If we only see, “deflowering,” through the context of penis and vagina, then we are stuck in a timeless vacuum. It, “makes more sense to define virginity as a level of experience” (Cruz, 2015). Cruz is indicating that the notion of virginity should be individually specific, and that an individual should be able to define whether they are a virgin regardless of vaginal penetration. For example, some youth in the church have coined oral sex as, “Christian sex,” because it does not involve penetration. This is a perfect example of taking ownership of one’s virginity. While it remains within the Christian context, being able to participate in a sexual experience and still identify as a virgin belongs to the individual themselves.

The church has its congregants believing that without sexual purity, specifically female sexual purity, damnation is bound to occur; with its female members receiving most of the wrath. This damnation is instilled into members by way of fear: fear of unplanned pregnancy, families on welfare, abortion, single mothers, divorce, molestation, rape, even the fiery pits of hell (Pettiford, 2003, p.110-111). All these concepts (and more) that the church has considered immoral or acts against God has been shrouded around the concept of virginity. These ideas are not the result of Christian pre-marital sex; however, the church continues to use them as the consequences of not keeping your legs closed.

Marriage

So now that we have saved ourselves for marriage, what come next? Well, to accurately analyze the issue, we must look at how marriage was initially instituted by the church. In the early days of the Christian church, the ideas around marriage (and sex) were not as staunch as they are now. The beliefs of that time were centered around the, “end of the world,” and celibacy, and thus marriage and sex were not needed (Kuruvilla, 2016). While the end of the world did not come, the ideas of celibacy remained within the church.

As time progressed, Christians considered getting married but only for economic unions. These alliances would strengthen the resources among the two families without the church or the state being involved. However, in the early 1200’s the church began to regulate marriage and the legitimacy of children. These rules and regulations were based on the teachings of St. Augustine (345-430) who determined that sexual desire was an act against God, and that sex was only acceptable in marriage. This philosophy provided the negative theological basis of sex for pleasure/out of wedlock that we encounter today. Because of these staunch teachings, the church began to develop rules to determine what was sexually acceptable for couples. Some of these rules were: restrictions on days to have sex, not when pregnant, not when on period, no doggy style, no standing, no oral, anal, or masturbation (Kuruvilla, 2016). Therefore, acceptable sex occurred very rarely. But thankfully, the church has loosened its tight grip around the notion of sex and marriage… or has it?

As mentioned before, the church has progressed in some of its ideologies, including sex and marriage. However, the change has become a subtle push for members, (again) specifically female to marry young because if you don’t, you are inadvertently screwed. The idea to marry young in life is two -fold:

1. The focus is on fertility/procreation. The younger you are, the more likely you can produce (multiple) offspring.

2. The control of sexual expression. Instead of allowing young women and men the opportunity to embrace their single (Christian) life, which includes their sexual desires, marriage is constantly forced onto them to dictate what manner their sexuality should be expressed.

These concepts of marriage are not helpful because it provides them no context as to why this is beneficial to them. Because there is a lack of discussion about sex and marriage, church members are set up for failure because several assumptions are made:

1. Sex before marriage equals damaged goods

2. Sex in marriage will always be amazing

3. Marriage is forever

Sex before marriage equals damaged goods: This assumption centers around the virginity discussion above. It completely diminishes the fact that she has the right to determine when and with whom she chooses to have a sexual experience with, even if it is before marriage. This statement also ignores survivors of sexual abuse. It immediately places the blame of their experience on the survivor and places these women in the category of damnation and hell. The rational is that she did not follow the Christian code of virginity and thus the repercussion of sexual abuse occurred.

Sex in marriage will always be amazing: This idea is based on the lack of teaching about sex within marriage. The message that is consistent within the church is that you must get married to have sex, however there are no discussions about the ups and downs of sex within marriage (e.g.: monotony, body changes, maintaining a sex life with kids in the home, etc.). The prevalent assumption is that sex within marriage is not only good morally but will be good physically, EACH TIME. It will satisfy those sexual desires that have been suppressed for so long for both individuals, creating strong bonds of intimacy and trust, but this is far from the truth. If the church is touting that sex within marriage is the best way to create meaningful bonds with partners, then conversations about managing individual sexual desires (within a Christian context) need to be discussed. These conversations cannot be based under the guise of “it’s bad,” “you’re going to hell,” or “it’s a wicked spirit.” They need to be centered around members exploring themselves sexually without guilt or shame.

Marriage is forever: While the tight grip of the morality of divorce has loosened, the notion of “till death do you part” is still held in the highest regard. The vows that are (supposed to be) said with love and commitment can be covertly male centered. Wives are highly encouraged to forgive the sexual misconduct of their husbands based on the ideology that the wife is to submit to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-23 New International Version; Cruz, 2015). This can be problematic for wives who are in abusive relationships and may be afraid to leave because of church doctrine or church status.

Leadership

Lastly, the ministerial position… Let me start off by stating that I know a few clergy that have my utmost respect. They live their lives in a manner that reflects positivity, love, and acceptance. They also can have open and non-judgmental dialogue about sex and sexuality without the shroud of guilt and shame. However, the sexual dynamic between some ministers and female congregants is particularly interesting.

Clergy (Men)

The prestige and power of the leadership position has allowed for male ministers to sexually take advantage of women in the church. Because of this, the church has become the hot seat for inappropriate sexual activity. Male ministers often manipulate the trust of their female parishioners by preying on them instead of praying for them (Pettiford, 2003, p. 38). These clergy (men) will intentionally watch women within the church to decide who they will chose for their sexual conquests, it may be from the congregants in the sanctuary, to the choir stand, to even the usher board; anyone can be chosen. What is most thought-provoking about this part of the leadership dynamic and sex is that this type of sexual activity is “embraced” when conversations about positive sexual relationships among congregants is not discussed. For example,

‘…when my minister first approached me sexually, I was utterly dependent on him in many ways. I would have given up anything for him. What made me most vulnerable was my emotionally empty marriage. He was my counselor and mentor, someone who I thought had my best interest at heart. But then he crossed the line and began manipulating me, setting me up for his own personal needs. Somehow the mentoring slowly turned sexual… He told me that having sex wasn’t wrong, even though I didn’t feel quite right about the whole thing. But who am I to question the authority of the minister?’ (p. 41).

This exemplifies the idea that female parishioner’s dependency and trust on/in the minister can turn sexual because of two reasons:

1. The absolute trust that is given to the minister from the female congregant, which she is then groomed for sexual activities/favors

2. The women are often unable to stop it because of the vulnerability and emotional connections through counseling and mentoring

While clergy (men) should be able to have sex, the Christian text is very clear with regards to the leadership role and establishing bonds of trust and respect among the parishioners. “Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach…” (I Timothy 3:2 New International Version).

Pursuing the Pastor

Most of the sexually inappropriate behavior highlights the pastor and his wrongdoings. However, we often turn a blind eye to the female congregant who is intentionally tempting the pastor to engage in sexual activities. This is the woman who is aroused by the actual position and not necessarily the person. Pettiford (2003) states, “clergy have a degree of power because of the moral and spiritual authority of the office they hold. In addition, their education, status in the community, and public image add to their appeal… [these] interests have lied more in what the minister represents than who he is” (p. 49).

In these situations, ministers are aware of the suggestive advances that are thrown their way but may not acknowledge them because they have not been directly approached. While they may enjoy the attention, it does not absolve them from not recognizing the danger of the flirtatious behavior. For example,

Alter calls are congested with women waiting in line to receive a touch. Not a touch that is holy but one that is meant to arouse. Church offices are saturated with women waiting to partake in a more intimate exchange within private counseling sessions. Some use this opportunity to express personal admirations they have for their pastor. While others skip right through the semantics and innuendos and get straight to the point (Pettiford, 2003, p.45).

The responsibility lies on the pastor to rebuff the unwanted advances and approaches. However, these women- who are sexually fascinated with the ministerial position- open the door for clergy (men) to live a lascivious life, which goes against the standards of excellence for church leaders (refer to I Timothy 3:2 New International Version).

Conclusion

One of the mainstays of the church is to help individuals grow personally and spiritually. On any given day, you can drive down any street and see a church sign inviting you to come to church. The majority of congregants do find strength, development, and guidance from their spiritual relationship. I have experienced support and guidance from the church (and parishioners) and have seen how this has helped me to flourish as an individual. Even though I no longer identify as a Christian, I still practice some of the tenets that were taught to me. However, as I mentioned earlier, one of the reasons I left the church is because of the lack of sex/sexuality education. Because of this neglect, when the topic of sex/sexuality arises, parishioners are either damned to hell or are left to, “fill in the gaps,” on their own. This leads to fear, confusion, miseducation, and/or control by the church of the aspects that come along with having sex, whether it be in a relationship or finding one’s own sexual identity. Below are some recommendations that should be incorporated into Christian ideology to allow congregants to have ownership over their sex and sexual identity:

Virgins: As mentioned before, virginity needs to be acknowledged as a social construct instead of biological. We need to stop telling women who have not had sex to “keep their legs closed” because of the controlling implications that it infers. Discussions need to be had around safely exploring sexuality and still being Christian women and men; completely moving away from shaming them from finding themselves sexually (i.e.: sex without penetration, masturbation, etc.) and still growing spiritually.

Marriage: Since marriage is one of the mainstays of Christian theology, many believe that it should not be tampered with. However, we have seen the church relax some its firm beliefs around the concepts of marriage to coincide with our ever-evolving society (e.g.: divorce, multiple marriages, etc). The one area that it has not relaxed its beliefs in regarding marriage is sex within marriage. Again, sex within marriage is supposed to maintain the magical bonds between the spouses forever, but anyone who is married or even in a long term, committed relationship knows this is not the case. The church needs to stop creating these false ideologies and setting couples up for failure, especially if they have not had the time to explore their own sexuality first. Teachings should be centered around the idea that marriage is one of many paths for both partner’s sexual growth and development and for meeting both of their sexual needs in the relationship (whether penetration occurs or not).

Leadership: For millennia, the ministerial position has been held in high regard. This position has received this respect because of the notion that these people are to be examples of Christian living to the rest of us. The position has also been reverenced because of the (assumed) direct connection to God which in turn assists the minister in counseling his parishioners. However, we have seen congregant’s respect for the person and the position be taken for granted which has turned into clergy(men) sexually abusing female members. As mentioned before, these vulnerable women have been taught (through church culture) to not question the power and authority of their minister, and thus they are, “…too insecure or too vulnerable to say no or…are often unprepared to stop it” (Pettiford, 2003, p. 42).

We also must acknowledge the other side of this, “power,” dynamic, which is women who pursue pastors for sexual relationships. These women and these, “relationships,” are rarely discussed; however, it is worth mentioning in this analysis. As stated, these women are aroused by the position and not the person. These persistent women will do whatever they can to receive the attention of their clergy and thus ultimately have sex with them. Just like Delilah and Sampson in the Bible (Judges 16), these women will continuously pursue their ministers until they eventually concede.

Recommendations for this particular section of sex/sexuality in the church can be quite obtrusive because they highlight not only inappropriate sexual behaviors occurring in the church, but they also reveal the double standards that leadership position(s) often hold. However, based on the respect that is given to the position(s), suggestions are still needed for members to positively grow and develop sexually. These ideas are as followed:

• Addressing issues of sexual abuse within the church and not shrouding it under the guise of secrecy or shame.

• Rethinking ethics codes that would allow persons in leadership positions to have a full and satisfying sex life not based in the context of marriage (especially if the person is not married)

• Addressing the behavior of women who sexually pursue persons in leadership positions and not placing all the responsibility of resisting sexual behavior on the clergy(men)

I acknowledge that this may not be a generalized experienced. However, I believe that we all can attest to the lack of sex/sexuality discussions that have occurred within the Christian context, and we have heard countless stories that could fit into anyone of the categories mentioned above. If the church could begin to have open and honest conversations centered around sex and sexuality, the church will continue to move forward on its journey to be the house of love and acceptance; its parishioners would no longer be controlled by power and fear.

Works Cited

Cruz, Eliel (2015, January 27). 9 of the Biggest Lies Christianity Tells Us About Sex and Marriage. Retrieved from http:// https://mic.com/articles/108932/9-of-the-biggest-lies-christianity-tells-us-about-sex-and-marriage#.YMKl7RGBr

Kuruvilla, Carol (2016, February 29). 6 Things You Probably Didn’t Know Abiut Christianity and Sex. Retrieved from http:// https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/christianity-and-sex_us_56cb6dc1e4b0ec6725e371d5

Pettiford, H. (2003). Pimpin’ from the pulpit to the pews: Exposing and expelling the spirit of lust in the church. Hasani Pettiford Publications.