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Its the price WE HAVE to pay I Don't Think So

Its not just Vanessa Guillen that lived with sexual assault but she was the one who lost her life to it.

By Phoenix Published 4 years ago 9 min read
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The late but never forgotten Vanessa Guillen RIP BATTLE

Right now it doesn't matter if you are in the military or not, if you were ever sexually assaulted, molested, harassed or any way man handled in a way that you don't appreciate or you said no too; then you are my Battle. You are Vanessa Guillen's battle, because we have been there, I was just the unfortunate one to live.

I know that sounds glib, like I am idolizing her death or something but on the contrary I am not, please you get me wrong if you think that. Vanessa was brutally attacked and killed and she deserves piece and her attacker got the easy way by taking his life instead of facing a jury of his pears like a normal person would do, like his girlfriend is doing.

A part of me wishes I got that little piece I guess, that piece of never having to get up and double check the locks on my doors and windows of my house. How every time I see a guy with the same color hair or same body type I turn and run the other way, or hide thinking its the guy who attacked me. When I realize its not him I break down crying, because how could I have been so stupid to think it was him. He is on the opposite side of the country.

Yes I keep track of my attacker. Why you may ask? Because he is not just my attacker, he is my sons father. My son may want to know about him. You see our story didn't start out as a scary story, it was actually a rather cute story. About a boy trying to get a brokenhearted girls attention by messing with her bun everyday while in formation (did I mention we were in military, the army to be precise).

I thought he was annoying, he thought he was charming. Eventually he rubbed off on me and asked me to dinner and I accepted.

What? Its not like I had anything else better to do, we were stationed on a little camp literally called Camp Eagle in South Korea where the only thing to do was either go drinking at the bar on post or eat at the bar on post. You could go off post, but it was to party, go to Korean movies, buy food, or walk around. I was bored with all that. I just stayed in my barracks room.

So we started dating after that. It was all going great until after we were dating after two months and we got into a big fight over something really stupid and broke up, I started drinking really heavily and my First Sgt stopped and asked me if I was pregnant. I was like no, he told me to go take a test because he heard other wise.

Oh my god the nurses are causing trouble again. The nurses always spread this rumor every time a couple dated more then a month they would say the girl was pregnant, just to get her in trouble. In the Army, if your overseas, not married and get pregnant, you get sent home sometimes with an article 15, which is a reduction in pay and rank. Some people liked to get others in trouble just because they could. Some people are sadistic like that, complete assholes, and the nurses were those assholes. They had just got a friend of mine sent home with one, made damn sure everyone knew who she did it with and everything. It was none of their business, but even though breaking HIPPA is against the law, they did it anyway.

So there I was in the bathroom drunk as a skunk chugging my fifth beer, I cant tell you how other cocktails I had before that, and shots, but anyway I was peeing on a stick, I actually peed on two of them just to be sure. Then I fell asleep, only to be woken up by my roommate yelling at me if I wanted to go to a party, then seeing the sticks she was all "what are you pregnant?" Let me tell you something. Nothing, I mean nothing sobers you up like a positive pregnancy test, even for a girl, cause I was like WHAT THE FUCK??????

After a few days I told my ex, we got back together, the chain of command was fine with it because he was the same rank as me. Actually he was a little lower cause he just got into trouble over something and he wouldn't tell me what it was. So because I was pregnant with his kid, they were looking the other way with me going into his room, and vise versa.

I was three months pregnant and one night he was working really late on an extra shift because of getting into trouble, he hadn't eaten all day. I know that he didn't have any food or any drinks in his room because they took all his pay so no AFEES AKA groceries, and they had been working him so much that he hadn't been going to the DFAC which is the lunchroom in the military for those of you who don't know. So right before I got off work that day he asked me if I could bring over some food and drinks, and I said of course.

I remember I had cooked a steak and potatoes, and I had brought over some soda. When he opened the door he already upset, and smelled like sweat. I asked him if everything was alright and he told me to shut up. He got on his computer and talked for a couple of minutes to someone on his headset, I wasn't going to be talked to like this, so I just waved mouthed love you, and went to walk out, and that's when it happened.

He grabbed me by the hair and slammed against the full length dresser "did I say you were going anywhere?" he growled at me like some sort of animal. This wasn't like him, he is usually goofy, a little serious but never like this. He got in my face, and that's when I could smell it, the alcohol. It wasn't sweat I was smelling it was booze. He had been drinking, I asked him "have you been drinking?" and he looked at me with fury in his eyes like I had never ever seen, "What if I had been huh? What are you going to do about it?" I just shook my head and told him to talk to me when sobered up and tried to walk away.

That was when he took his forearm up to my throat "your not going anywhere until I tell you too, you got me?" I tried to scream but I couldn't "you like it rough don't you?" I was silent with just tears streaming down my face "Answer me BITCH" all I could whimper out was a little "no" in hopes that would remember it was me, it was me he was talking to. Our baby is inside me, then I remembered THE BABY "Don't hurt the baby " I cried

He threw me on the bed "why would I ever hurt the baby its my baby, and your my girl, I would never hurt either of you, now shut up," as he held down my hands with one arm and ripped my pants and underwear down with the other, he pulled down the front of his pants exposing his penis. "STOP" I yelled and he kissed me, he tasted like Jim Bean and Vodka and beer and I don't even know what else. He started shoving himself inside me saying how much he loved me, that he couldn't wait to marry me, and be a father. All I could do was cry, all I could do was keep saying to stop over and over again, as he was saying he loved me over and over again. Then he passed out on top of me.

That night when I finally got to my room, I wouldn't even answer the door. The next day I acted like I didn't want to be around anyone. I finally broke down to my best friend and she flipped out. She had me tell my command. You know what my command did? Absolutely nothing, told me that I shouldn't have been in his room, even though they said I could be in there. Then one female SSG said to me "This is the price we female soldier have to overseas, this is our job to keep our men clean so they don't bring home the black clap back to our american girls at home."

He of course completely denied it, even said I was never in his room that night. He said that I was making it up because I was mad at him because he broke up with me. Wasn't mad, and didn't break up until he raped me. Then he tried to get back with me in secret many times. I was like get away from me and even our chain of command tried to make us get back together because "children need two parent households"

I am happy to say he isn't in my life or my sons life. Although sometimes I will see him in my son sometimes. You see Vanessa Guillen isn't the only one the Military did wrong. I hope that married girlfriend never see's the light of day for what she did Vanessa. I hope to GOD every person and I mean EVERY PERSON in the military who made Vanessa feel it was her fault for trying to do the right thing by turning that creep in for sexual harassment/assault gets a lesson in what it means to be in Vanessa's shoes, to be in our shoes, to be in every persons shoes who in the military or not that was sexually harassed or assaulted complained and was made to feel worthless, or less then worthless. I would love to see how they felt after that, I would love to see how the military changes if at all after that.

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About the Creator

Phoenix

I’m a divorced single mother. I am also an Army Veteran, a daughter to cancer survivor, I have been through hell an back. I know one thing, I have voice, and I’m ready to use it, I will no longer be afraid to share my stories to the world.

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