It takes time to heal
Childhood should be carefree, playing in the sun; not living a nightmare in the darkness of the soul- Dave Pelzer
I remember my mom introducing him as her new boyfriend. He had just got out of prison living in a halfway house. He seemed different but I was only 6 what would I know. I just knew my mom was happy with him and being young and seeing her get beaten in the face with the end of a gun until her face was bloody by her ex, i just cared about her being happy.
I dont remember when the sexual abuse started, I remember I was 7 years old. But I remember being scared, violated and thinking why me?, I remember it was always once my mom left for work. And he would come in my room or make me come in his. Sometimes the acts were me doing something to him. And other times they were violent acts on me. When finished he would be nice and try and buy me things. And I would just cry for hours. He use to beat both my brothers. He never beat me just sexually abused me. He would beat my mom and she would leave him, but go right back. And in my mind I just wanted her to be happy. I never said a word.
this continued until I was 12 years old. My mom got tired and left him. I remember she came home with a cop to help us pack everything because my mom was afraid me might have done something. I remember walking down the steps and he asked for a hug and for the first time in a long time I told him no. I spoke. I didn't speak before, I was always timid and shy. Scared to speak my mind. And in that moment I told him no. and kept walking.
Growing up after that was hard. I was quiet. I always apologized. I was shy and sometimes I was picked on in school. Through my adulthood I was the same way just shy and quiet. I partied a lot to get rid of the pain I was feeling. Low self esteem. any guy that looked my way I had sex with. I got into a relationship with an abusive man and had two beautiful daughters, I left, I wanted more out of life and it wasn't it.
I moved into my own place worked 2 jobs for me and my girls. Praying and feeling better about myself, And then i met my husband. Kind, gentle, sweet and accepted me and my girls. I was very stand offish at first because of my own childhood. But he gained my trust and they love him and he loves them as his own
Now I am not saying life has been peaches and cream. I still get anxiety and sometimes get into a depressed state. But i pray and my healing is going on day by day. My confidence is getting better with time also. my abuser didn't break me. He actually made me stronger than ever. He took away my innocence, but he didn't take away my strength, courage or Joy. I will not live in fear.