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I trusted you.

Abuse

By ADPublished 3 years ago 6 min read
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When you begin thinking you are no longer safe around your own family is when you need to speak up. When you begin questioning your worth.

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We used to be close friends. We used to be best friends or two peas in a pod if you prefer. I looked up to you as a role model. It really sucks because you were the one I told everything to. But then you and two other "friends" stabbed me in the back.. people whom I grew up with, grew up trusting. All to just go away in one night, when you stole my innocence from me WITHOUT permission.

I had plans, I had plans for my future. I was excited to go and achieve those dreams, those goals. I wanted to get married the right way, I wanted to have kids with my husband. I wanted a pure future but you took that from me. Now because of you I feel like I can never chase a dream or reach a goal, all for not reaching mine and will never get to reach it the way I had invisioned it or planned. There will always be this feeling of unfinishedness, incomplete, half empty. I will never know what it would feel like to get that feeling of fulfilment. There will always be so many how's, what if's, buts and maybes. So many questions and never any answers.

I still remember the beginning of that day; I set an alarm to wake up an hour before everyone else. I was so excited. I couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about what the day was!! I kept thinking about what I was going to wear. I kept thinking about if my invitations got sent out on time. It was MY 14th BIRTHDAY!! I still played with Polly pockets and bratz dolls or Barbies. I still played dress up or built forts outside. I would normally throw a birthday party or dinner party with just family and one or two friends. This year I guess "they" had other plans for me.

Before the end of the school day you asked me if I drank alcohol and if I would want to try it. I told you no, I don't drink. I am staying pure and healthy for my future. I told you what I wanted. You knew. Then you asked me again in front of other people, then said you all would make fun of me for not trying it. I felt pressured. I felt cornered but in order to fit in I felt like I had to poison my body for you. That's how much I looked up to you. I said yes when I didn't want to. I ran out of school in tears that afternoon.

By 8pm that night i told my mom and everyone else who I was going to hang out with. They were all okay with it. They trusted you. We are family. You and maybe 9 others were standing outside my front porch picking me up for my "birthday party". We walked up this trail way behind the school yard. We made a fire to keep warm and had music playing. I remember laughing with everyone, feeling comfortable, feeling safe.

I remember you giving me a mixed drink, said "happy birthday this is for you" and then I woke up in your basement. I wake up feeling super dizzy, my whole body is still numb, I noticed I had the shakes, I felt like throwing up and my head was pounding. I remember feeling sore down between my legs. I then noticed you were sleeping on my lap. I didn't think anything of it until I felt my pants and underwear at my ankles.

Once you realized I was up, you turned around said "good morning," and the first thing that came out of your dirty mouth was "so how does it feel not being a virgin anymore?" My heart sank. My world shattered into a BILLION pieces. All I can see and hear is that smirk on your face and that laugh you made after saying it. Like I didn't mean a thing, like I was just a piece of garbage.

That same day, I ran home crying. I ran as fast as I could. I felt so dirty, I felt used, I felt worthless, I felt like nothing mattered anymore. I needed to shower. I needed to get that filth off of me. I needed to get him off of me. I ran home, I ran inside and told my grandma what happened. She called me names and slapped me. I ran to my moms, she told me to just forget about it because he's our cousin.

With no where to go, I ran to a friends house who was also in the room "sleeping" next to the bedroom I was in when this happened. After hours of crying and ugly crying, she finally told me she heard everything that happened between me and "him". Told me about the cries she heard, the pleading for help, the begging for him to stop. I guess she was "scared" to come and check on us to see what was going on. So she just let it happen. I left running away from her house in tears.

I went back to my grandmas place, took a long shower. Cried. I cried so much I could barley see out of my eyes. I got rid of him, I got rid of a part of him. I felt clean but still really dirty. My grandma sat me down to talk. She told me to call the cops and that she was sorry for what she had done.

I called the cops by the end of that same day it happened, did the kit. Felt even more embarrassed and violated. Still with everything they took, they didn't do a single thing about it. There was "not enough" evidence of rape or abuse to press any charges. There goes my trust, my faith in humanity.

To this day, he still walks free. I heard many horror stories that happened after me. Things he did to others. Things others did not want to believe me for or take me seriously. I tried to warn them, I tried. No one wanted to listen. Instead they called me an attention seeking baby.

I'm now 25 with a 1 year old and fiancé. I still get flashbacks, I still don't like certain things but it's progress and it's healing. I am still in counselling but I am not where I used to be. I am once again happy. Soon whole but for now I'm going to enjoy what's in front of me. No more dreading on the past.

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About the Creator

AD

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