I Think You're Fat... I Can't Date You
“Maybe you won’t be attractive because you aren’t skinny?"
Everyone has a type. It’s normal to be attracted to different body types, different colored hair and so on. But when does it go from “you are not my type” to a completely rude and bully-like statement? How many of us have experienced shaming only because of the sole appearance of, well, YOU.
I was raised in a culture where everyone would stare into my mouth (literally) while I was eating. Being a ten-year-old with chubby cheeks and baby fat was not an excuse either. Even an old childhood friend's parents' would make fun of me during car rides: “well, let’s hope she fits!” (ha ha ha, NOT cool).
The thing was, I was not obese. I was still growing and developing (like any other child who was shorter, chubbier, skinnier and so on). Despite any realistic understanding of that, I was still shamed because I did not look like other girls in my circle who were just more slender. It took years for me to look in the mirror and say, “you are beautiful”. Health and looking a specific way are two completely different things and just because you have MASTERED starving yourself to be that size zero to make everyone happy, it does not mean you are HEALTHY.
I was set up on a blind date. We talked over the phone a few times and when I would ask the initial question of “what’s your type?” I would get the “a woman who has a great personality” answer. We decided to meet up at a local coffee shop down the block from where I lived. The last thing I was ever thinking of was how he would portray the fact that I had a butt, small waist and a bright smile to go along with the curves. He seemed calm and collected as we sat down and ordered some coffee. Then, it began. He looked up at me after a few minutes of silence and asked,
"So what is your type?"...I circled a finger around the top of my coffee cup and looked up at him.
“Someone who can talk to me about anything” I said.
He formed a confused look on his face and then drew his body back from the table and leaned back on the chair. I felt it. I felt something coming. You know? The gut feeling (they are always right by the way).
“I'm going to be honest” he said (oh NOW he wanted to be honest).
“You’re kind of not my type” he said. I looked at him then smiled.
“That’s totally fine” I said. I knew that sometimes, things just don’t work out but THEN, he continued to get detailed.
“It's just, I like skinny women. Well, not skinny. Just idk.”
My facial expressions changed dramatically.
“I mean” he said. Then waited to say the rest.
“I don’t do the whole fat thing. Like, I feel a size 2-3 is ideal though. Like you are too chubby for me to date you. Women should be like a size three-four the most I think. Why wouldn't you want to be thinner?”
I wanted to laugh and thought about throwing my hot sizzling coffee in his face (of course I did not).
I could not believe I was hearing this. Especially in a time where models that strive to be a size zero were now being questioned about their overall health. Plus-size model Ashley Graham was just beginning to grace covers of high-end magazines and promote and inspire positive body images around the world, all while rocking her voluptuous curves.
I was hoping he would just confirm his idiotic statement with a side quote of: “I have a small brain and a small di*k so I really only like small women” (I know I know, that’s harsh Dee. YEA whatever).
I stood silent for a few seconds, gathered my composure and said while smiling: “Shame on you. I hope you never have a daughter. I wish you luck with your future relationships. It’s because of people like you that some women starve themselves thinking a man will like them ONLY if they are skinny”.
SIDE NOTE: (I am not here to shame thin females because everyone is gawgous!).
Why do people automatically think that being a size zero is healthy? Yes some women who are a size zero are healthy and some, ARE NOT. WHY do so many social media outlets, TV shows, magazines etc. promote “skinny” and NOT “healthy”?
Of course there are women out there who just stay that way based on their biological composure and they should not be shamed for being skinny either but, what about all the other ones? What about the women that DON’T have that composure? What about the ones that are curvier than others are? Shorter? Chubbier? Less-tone? What about the ones who have gained some weight? Etc.
List goes on! Should we constantly tremble at the thought of a new date just because everyone else is telling us “maybe you won’t be attractive because you aren’t skinny”? Who in the hell decided that having a super flat stomach was the norm?
I could have easily been ashamed after that date. Heck, I could have stopped eating or formed an eating disorder because of everything that date reminded me of. It totally brought up my past struggles with people’s disgusting actions and judgments.
BUT I did not form any negative judgments about myself. You know why? Because there are many women out there, that DO give in to such negativity and have not reached the point of self-love yet. They DO form eating disorders because they are teased. They DO stop eating because some low-life suggests they lose ten pounds. They DO start to over-exercise. THEY DO.
I sat there and made a decision to NOT do that because there had to be someone out there going through similar situations that I could inspire and help. There are so many women out there that really take weight comments and appearance comments to the soul. There are so many shapes and sizes that are STILL amazingly attractive and not all of them are a size two and even those who are a healthy size two are beautiful!
Moving past looks, what does our personality say about ourselves? Our character? Our actions towards one another?
Is your future husband going to worry about your jean size or what kind of mother you are to his child?
Just because someone “thinks” something of you and judges you, doesn’t mean you have to conform. IT doesn’t mean you have to start starving yourself. If you lose weight, you lose weight for your health. Not for a date, a boyfriend, a friend or a stupid magazine that airbrushes models into a sleek size 3 with no cellulite (PUH-LEASE).
No one should ever make you feel like you are NOT capable of being loved just because of the way you look, PERIOD (skinny, chubby, purple, orange, blue). Be brave and love the skin you are in, whether you gained a few pounds or not, there is ALWAYS someone who will dig your soul before wondering what size shirt you can fit. Never let anyone’s ignorance change the way you feel about yourself.
FYI: Two weeks later, I went on another date. He LOVED my curves (wink).