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I Think I Was Sexually Harassed?

by Katrina Carr 4 years ago in gender roles

I think this was considered sexual harassment... But I don't really think I could be sexually harassed? Read and you'll see.

#MyWorstDate

I was seeking companionship online. I don't get out much and online dating was my best option. I've never had the utmost confidence in myself on a continual basis. Sometimes I found that I was cute, but I never really thought more than that. I figured dating online was my only way to find a decent guy. My low self-esteem and self-worth, combined with this particular guy I met is what made me begin to think differently about myself.

I found a guy on a dating app (I'll leave out the name so that people aren't discouraged from using it) and we began chatting. We talked about a lot of things: video games, YouTube videos, music. We had a lot of fun talking and one day decided to meet up. I was uneasy with the idea because you hear all these horror stories about meeting people online. But I figured we would meet where there would be plenty of people and it shouldn't be dangerous. We ended up just meeting at Walmart (yeah. I know. Totally romanic. *eye roll*). We walked around and just talked to each other. Everything seemed like we were having fun and things were going normal. Then he ended up making a move first by kissing me. I wasn't really thrilled because I didn't want to and it made me even more uneasy with him. I just let it happen because I figured this was the best I could do.

I decided to keep talking to him and keep my feelings about it to myself. I thought maybe I would enjoy his company more if we went out again. Maybe I would be less nervous about being around a stranger. So we met up again and went to a park. We sat down on a bench and he initiated kissing me again. I really did not enjoy where this was going and tried to stop him several times. So then we walked around the park instead. We ended up in a pretty secluded area where there were no other people around. He pushed me down and pinned me to the ground. I told him I wasn't comfortable and told him to get off of me. Instead, he began to grind his hips against mine. I was uncomfortable and told him to get off me and I pushed him off. He got off me and we got up and left the park.

I tried to push it out of my mind and figured I deserved it and it must have been what I wanted. We took one more trip together and went to eat lunch. Afterwards we decided to stop at the game store. We were going to go back to my house. Then, in the car on the way back, he placed my hand on his crotch and took out his dick. I felt obligated at that point to give him a brief handjob. I stopped and told him we should just get going. We got back to my place to play video games and watch YouTube. I was trying to relax by him, but he kept trying to push my head down. Once he tried to force my head down to give him a blowjob, that was it for me and I made him go home.

I never told anyone else about this experience and just said that I didn't like him and so I chose to stop seeing him. Truth is I was scared it would go further and I'd be stuck with him because I'd be damaged and broken. It's not like I'm a virgin, but I just felt like that would trap me to him. I began to feel as though I must have done something to provoke him and I deserved whatever he did to me. I didn't want to feel that way. And I hate that I still do. I'm with a wonderful guy now who treats me like a queen, but I'll never shake the deep down feeling that I'm just worthless trash that can be easily used for whatever a guy wants. I've never considered this sexual assault but, seeing it all written out, I don't know...

If you've been sexually assaulted, don't be afraid to speak up!! You are worth so much more than you think and than your attacker had made you feel! Do not let him win! Don't stay quiet! If you think something feels wrong, say so! Tell someone! Be honest about your feelings. Do not hide behind them.

gender roles

Katrina Carr

Read next: My Best Friend Was Raped

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