I'm scared

I have never been one for politics.

It's probably not for the best, but I try to keep my head in the sand. I can't stand listening, learning, or processing pain. I'm very bad at it. I internalize a lot of it and end up feeling helpless.

I feel guilty for having my head in the sand for so long. It really wasn't until I got my own reproductive health under control that I even felt I could delve into politics of any kind. It may be weak, but having undiagnosed endometriosis pain, and a plethora of other health problems, really agitated the anger, sadness, and drive I would feel after seeing all the human rights violations splayed out before me.

Needless to say, the leaked court documents covered in Politico sent me into a spiral.

I could only read about 30 pages before I felt sick. The references they used to back up claims of abortion not being considered a legal right were terrifying. They were referencing texts from the 1800s and I just had to stop.

We are literally living with a court that thinks rulings and thoughts from the 1800s are a reasonable source for setting grounds and understanding for a ruling in today's age.

I remember, after reading these references, that Alito had written; "In sum, although common law authorities differ on the severity of punishment for abortions committed at different points in the pregnancy, none endorsed the practice. Moreover, we are aware of no common law case or authority, and the parties have not pointed to any, that remotely suggests a positive right to procure an abortion at any stage of pregnancy." (19)

It felt like a brick to the face, seeing that ideas from the 1800s should be used to accurately reflect what a ruling in 2022 should be.

We are talking about views that were around during the civil war.

It felt like I was opening Pandora's box.

That wasn't even the end of it though. It's not just that this ruling is being overturned that is the problem- but the massive amount of trigger laws and overall lack of education and understanding that people have for women's health.

We have people making decisions who have no idea what it's like to even have a uterus. We have people making the decision who will never have to carry a child. We have people making the decisions who don't know what it's like to live in poverty. We have people making the decisions who will, more than likely, never have to make the decision of whether or not to carry a child of incest or rape to term.

I am terrified of what the child me may have had to understand.

I am, like many, a victim of sexual assault. I was assaulted by a member of my extended family when I was a child. Someone who, I didn't have the guts to finally cut out until recently. I am 25. It took me nearly 17 years to finally, finally, get the guts to tell my family I would no longer associate with them.

I, unlike many, was lucky.

I had a family who supported me. They agreed to all the boundaries I had set, and they worked with me to make me comfortable. The last couple of years are the most comfortable I've been around my extended family. I feel safe, and like I can breathe. Some people will never know that comfort or support. Some are stuck with their abusers.

Yet, the ruling made me rethink everything.

I feel insecure in my intimacy with my boyfriend now. We've been talking through this on what to do if it gets overturned. We've had to come up with contingency plans. He's respected the boundaries I've put into place until I feel I am safe again.

I cannot fathom what would've happened if the sexual assault had resulted in anything. I cannot fathom how, now, in my mental capacity and financial status, I could bring a baby to full term. I cannot fathom how, despite this, people feel that others then get a right to any potential child.

I want children, but I fear bringing any into a world like this.

Without a choice, what freedom do women, or anybody for that matter, get?