I Am So Tired of Getting Raped

I used to believe I caused my own rapes because I am a woman so I am wrong and deserve to be punished. The rules were clear (don't wear slutty clothes, don't ever drink, don't ever do drugs of any kind prescribed or otherwise, don't meet new men, don't trust anyone) but the application was checklist style. My Don't Get Raped Today kit was mainly well rehearsed behaviors and a never used taser. I had to figure out, on my own, how to not get raped which varied from situation to situation. I might trigger one guy with my clothes that covered me completely which caused him to think I think I'm special or something so I need to be knocked down a few pegs. A different guy would be triggered because I said no but I really meant yes, you know how women like to play games. Our favorite game being hard to get, the best version is yanking away while saying stop and no interchangeably. Obviously the tears were for dramatics. When it happened, as it sometimes did, I'd pull out my How Not To Get Raped checklist with my faulty pen and get to mulling over what I did this time.

25. Don't respond to disrespectful advances or I'll get raped

26. Don't ignore disrespectful advances or I'll get raped

27. Don't desire to watch a movie inside any semi-private dwelling or I'll get raped

28. Don't respond to late night texts/calls or I'll get raped

29. Don't ignore late night texts/calls or I'll get raped

30. Don't ever get in his vehicle or I'll get raped

31. Don't ever use public transportation or I'll get raped

Now the math in this is wiggly. I have to calculate what I have on with my attitude and my environment and the company I keep and any awful thing I have ever done that might come back to me right now and divide that by how many times I do all the things I'm not supposed to be doing yet didn't get raped. Sometimes I don't know if I need to add or multiply. So far the formula is

clothes +/- makeup + attitude + environment + company + life of sin due to being born a woman = Z

Z * didn't get raped = X

Z ÷ X = Y

The itchiest number for me is the how many times have I been raped number. My most passionate gauge is -0- zero as the highest standard and anything after that is haven been raped so the number after the standard is irrelevant when its haven been raped. So like -1- one and up. I don't count the number of men I have WILLING sex with. I only count the number of men whom I have NOT had willing sex ... with(?). So the gauge is itchy and shytty too because, of course, this number only increases. #WampWamp. This wiggly, itchy, shytty number has no age restriction. Babies, old ladies, and we already discussed every age in between. This last guy who raped me I asked him, directly afterwards, why. He was shocked I had the nerve to accuse him of rape. It occurred to me for just a moment that this might be how he typically has sex. His reaction to the replay of events was like he almost wasn't present during the actual raping. He agreed to the events but the intent, naturally, was misunderstood. The resistance was foreplay. It kind of made sense because he did ask me why I seemed so pissed.

I forgot my kit and am out of practice so just tell me what I did to get raped so I can update my list.

I'm listening to this list, yes he gave me a list of what I did wrong to cause my own rape, slowly realizing I am tired of getting raped. It's 2017, how is rape still an issue? Will there be a time when being raped won't be a reality? In my own life there was a time when I was on a sabbatical from being raped. You couldn't tell me nothing. I felt so me. During my Rape Sabbatical a very noticeable feeling of it would be out of place, inappropriate, hummed from society. I genuinely believed at that time in my life it would have been unacceptable to get raped. I believed it and society believed it so I was protected as a Believer. Believers get raped. End Rape Sabbatical. Good years. Some random guy totally ruined my this many days have passed without being raped count. Now that number being high is welcome. My goal is to climb the increment ladder until the amount of time of not being raped is greater than how long between when I first and last got raped; that's not a reset at -0- zero but it certainly must be acknowledged for the shifting of expectations. To no longer expect at some point I will be raped is solace indeed. Decades of not getting raped to reach, not a reset but, an acknowledgement. Yikes! If that's the way I do that math that's how I reach that result. However, if I lose the variables that do not equal I AM WORTHY and multiple knowing the reality I deliberately chose to create for myself is trusting in the Oneness the results are very different. In those split seconds when acting right now without hesitation means I am being guided towards my success, happiness, and wealth. When I do the math that way I am living the expectation of not being raped right now instead of -3- three decades later. This is how I got my reset, not to -0- zero but, to an eternal -1- one. Letting go of the bodies. That truth was then. Whats the truth now? I love being safe in my own space and accounting for my own feelings of magnanimous elation. My expectation was of protection and safety which was reflected in the situations/people in my life, at that time. At this time as well. I used to think its realistic to expect the chance of rape to exist. Sheesh. It's not my fault; I do have choices. I like math that involves double positives. Its all in the way I lay my equation out. In all cases minus the rapists. No rapists, no rape. Simple math. Absolutely the equation feels unsolvable when there are so many negative variable and numbers. Law of Polarity says everything has pairs of opposites; opposites are identical in degrees. #Bloop. Throw the opposite onto the other side and that equation balances out. When I do a quick glance into the thought of how many times I have not been raped off the top of my head I can say majority of my life. Love those numbers. Love the outcome even more. I now know it is very reasonable to expect to not ever be raped or again. It feels good to expect a favorable outcome. The details are none of my business yet all of my revealed surprises. Quick recap --> Rapists cause rape.