Hear My Cry

I don't know what else to do with all of this. These emotions are so overwhelming that it feels like a weight on my chest. Trying to keep a smile on my face in front of my friends and family is very taxing. Sometimes i feel like screaming just to see if that would help. Things at my job of become harder to focus on because I can't stop thinking about how i feel so alone. You might be wondering why i feel this way, what is the reason for me to have this much going on. Well i will tell you. My name is Zeek Taylor, don't ask me why a girl has the name Zeek I think my parents thought I was a boy, anyway, I am 26 years old and I work as a retail sales associate. Well now that you know who I am, I will tell you how everything began. When i was 18 years old, I met this guy who was very handsome and charming. We began to talk as friends an then i began to want more from him. I was still young but old enough to understand how relationships worked. Oh did i mention that i was a virgin also? No? Oh well, there you go. Moving on, I began to start falling in love with him, he was showing me new things and being so kind a loving. Three months into our relationship i decided to take the plunge and ask him to take my V-card. I was excited when he told me he would be honored because he loves me. Well you can imagine i was on cloud 9 right? So one night i snuck out to go meet him, He was in his nice fancy car sitting right out front my house waiting for me. I felt so special, He was being very attentive to my feelings of nervousness and acknowledging that i was terrified. So in order to help me relax he took me to a hotel just so we can have our own privacy with no interruptions at all. Oh! I forgot to tell you guys abut him. Pause a moment and let me tell you. His name was Damien George. He was 21 at the time of us meeting, he worked at another retail store in the same mall that I worked at so i would see him around but not very often, like maybe every month or so. But one day he came into my store and introduces himself to me. You can imagine the rest his history. Well he lived with his parents which i can seriously relate to. But fast forward to the hotel, he had bought chocolates and my fave white roses, it was perfect, it helped me relax and get comfortable more. So as the night went on he began slowly, coaxing me to want him to touch me more. I wanted him to just get it over with to be honest, I wanted to do nothing but be in his arms and belong to no one but him. So i took the first step and kissed him. He did all the rest. By the time all our clothes were off he dawned a condom and said to me "I don't want anything to ruin this moment with you so it better to be protected." I agreed. I watched as he put the condom on and began to get a little nervous. He noticed and came down on top of me kissing me, whispering to me how beautiful i am taking my mind off of everything, and at that moment i felt it. The tip of his penis begins to enter me slowly. It started off okay, but then it grew very painful. I bit my lip to keep from crying and tried to breath through it. i took everything in me not to push him off and run, but then, everything began to start feeling better, still sore, but, good. Before i knew it i was getting lost in him and the feel of our love making. His pace began to quicken and I didn't know why. I asked him to slow down as it was still sore for me, he didn't slow down. Next he pulls out and flips me onto my stomach, I didn't know what was going on but i stayed still. This time he entered me from behind, but something felt off, i didn't feel that rubber latex feel as he began again. I asked him if he still had the condom on, he didn't answer. I tried to pull away just to see if he had it on, but he pinned me down to the bed with his full weight, wrapped both hands around my neck from behind and says, "You will shut the fuck up, don't move and take this dick or you will regret it." At that moment i realized something was seriously wrong. I tried to wiggle to get him off of me but it didn't work, "Stop fucking moving or i will hit you, you little bitch." Now at this point i was terrified. I began to kick and flail to get him off of me. His hands tighten around my neck and I can't breathe. I start to claw at his hands to try and get them off, and then he just..... stops. He grunts and pulls my hair and whispers into my ear, " Tell anyone and i will make sure no one believes a word you say. Who the hell is going to believe a whore like you anyway, stupid bitch." I was shattered. This was the man I thought i was going to be in a serious relationship with. I trusted him enough to give him my first time. I tried to fight him off of me when i became uncomfortable but he didn't stop. Now what am i supposed to do? I laid there crying my eyes out. He comes back to the bed, roughly pulls me by my arm and punches me in the face. I saw spots and lights dancing before my very eyes. The last thing i remember from that night is the feeling of disgust of have from trusting a man that raped me. How am I going to tell anyone? I gave him a yes to having sex with me but in the end it turned violent. As i cry my eyes out walking home at 5am i realized that i have just been played, my first experience turned into a nightmare. How can I trust any man after this? Months pass by and i noticed i started to gain weight. I make a doctors appointment to figure out how come i'm gaining so much weight and how come my period never came. My mom would tell me maybe its because of stress from work, and i agreed with her, so i made an appointment with my OBGYN. There she asks me a lot of questions, some i didn't know how to answer. She later tells the nurse she needs a urine sample from me and to get me ready for an ultrasound. I'm completely confused at this point but if it will help me figure out whats going on then so be it. After peeing in a cup and getting back in the room, I'm instructed to lift my shirt up to my breast, so i do. The doctor returns and tells me she is going to check on an idea she has that could give me all the answers i need. As i'm laying there she squeezes this very cold gel like stuff onto my stomach and takes the ultrasound doohickey and begins moving it around onto my belly. She then smiles at me and says "congratulations Ms. Taylor, you're going to be a mommy."