Destruction

Before my eyes, everything I once had and loved got destroyed. Everything was taken from me—my pride, my virginity, my trust, my childhood and nothing I said or did could have stopped it. I was only 16-years-old turning 17 when it all had happened. I spent hours sitting in the corner of my room, hugging my knees, with tears flowing out my blood shot eyes as I bashed my head into every single wall in my room trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

It all started off as an ordinary evening filled with laughter and friends, then ended with fear, pain, and loneliness. I met up with friends in Brooklyn to enjoy the delightful evening as a way to kick off the start of summer break. A few hours later, illegal drugs and underage intoxication started. I drank a lot that night... maybe more than I should have, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. Soon enough people started leaving one by one and it was just my best friend, her brother, and me left. My best friend drank way more than I did. She kept drinking until she passed out. It was shortly after this, that her brother started talking about doing things to me while she was out on the floor. I tried to wake her up, but she was out cold.

Her brother was twice my height and was masculine, and there was nothing I could do to stop him from pulling my clothes off. I kicked, screamed, and cried and it seemed like nothing I did made my situation any better. Maybe he sensed my vulnerability, my shyness, and knew I was an easy prey. He pushed me back against the wall, hard, and I hit my head badly enough that it started to bleed. He grabbed me by my wrists with his enormous hands, picked me up, and threw me on the bed. He kept spitting in his hand and wiping it on me as he told me I wasn't wet enough, and kept smacking me down there until I was "good enough for him." Not caring about whether he hurt me or not, he quickly shoved himself into my bruised, limp body. With every heave and thrust he gave, every stroke, I could feel my insides being ripped and I could feel the blood streaming down my shaking legs. My arms, legs, voice, everything... became useless. My body wasn't even my body anymore. It belonged to him and not only my body, but everything I ever was, was exposed and ripped away from me within seconds. There was nothing I could have done except for wait.

At some point, I stopped struggling, or maybe I just became paralyzed by fear or alcohol or whatever it was. Questions flooded my mind: Why did this happen to me? I felt angry, confused, terrified, scared, and powerless! Why do people do these horrible things? I don't think I'll ever know the answer, and for a while, I just wanted to die. I showered for hours and I still didn't feel clean. For weeks and months following, I still found it hard to recognize myself, or even think of myself as the person I was before this horrifying event. Every person around me became a virtual threat and sometimes... sometimes I still hold my breath when I walk past a group of boys because I know what people are capable of.