#metoo
#metoo

Dealing with Being Raped and Molested

by Loie Swanger 2 years ago in feminism

Surviving a Horrible Event That Makes You Battle Everyday Depression or Anxiety. It's not as rare as people may think.

Dealing with Being Raped and Molested

Some people find themselves asking what exactly is rape and molestation? Aren't they the same thing? Well, from someone who personally experienced both, I can personally say, no, they are not. They may have some similarities, but they are two totally different things. Rape is another term for sexual assault and is usually done by a man to a woman, but some women rape men, too. Statics show that one in five women and one in seventy-one men are raped at least once in their lives. Molestation is also sexual assault, but it can also be abuse of a person towards women and most of all children. Statistics show that every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted. And every eight minutes, that victim is a child. I am a rape and molestation survivor and this is my story.

Being Molested

I was only a year old when I was molested and the man who molested me was one of my mom’s ex-boyfriends that she was on good terms with because he never gave her a reason not to trust him — at least, not a reason that she knew about.

One day my mom was downstairs taking a bath at the time of the incident. My sister went into the bathroom to tell Mom that her private area hurt. So, Mom asked her why it hurt and she told her what happened. Well, after my sister told her what happened she went upstairs just in time to find the guy doing to me what he did to my sister. Well, my dad and his wife helped my mom call the police, but when the police showed up, my step-mom turned around and said it was the man my mom was dating who did it, not her ex.

So, the police took me out of my mom’s house and put me with my dad. My mom would come down to visit me and every time she went to leave, I would scream and cry to her, telling her to please not leave me there because the man who really molested me was staying with my dad at the time. My mom went to the police to tell them about the man staying with my dad. The police showed up and asked my dad about the man staying with him and he said, yes, he was. So, the police took me from him and put me back with my mom.

Well, when I was 3-years-old the police asked me if I could remember what happened and who did it. I told them yes then told them my story. They went and pulled my sister's file to see if they matched and they did perfectly. My mom asked them what they were going to do about what he did and they said it was a closed case but if it happens again that he'd be locked up. My mom was livid because she didn't understand that another family had to go through what we did before we could get any kind of justice.

I didn't visit with my father a lot growing up and when I did visit him I didn't stay long because, even knowing what the man did, my dad stayed his friend. Also, every time I would go down there my step-mom would try to tell me that my dad’s friend didn't molest me, the man my mom was dating did. Well, since I was so young when it happened, I was confused for a bit, because the first couple of times that I would visit my dad and was around her ex-boyfriend, I got the feeling like someone was touching me and I felt very uncomfortable. At first, I didn't quite understand why. Then when my step mom was saying it was someone else, I was confused because when I was around the guy she was accusing, I didn't have feelings like someone was touching me.

I also kept having bad nightmares that my mom and I were out walking and she was talking to me when all the sudden I would feel someone’s hands grabbing me and pulling me away. I would open my mouth to scream for my mom’s help but no sound was coming out. She just kept walking and talking while the man pulled me into his van and drove off. I asked my mom about the nightmares and told her what my step mom said. It was in that moment that she realized she had no other choice but to tell me what happened and just like that, all the pieces fell together and made perfect sense about the feelings I was having.

I feel like it was because of that incident I grew up with a wall built around me. I stayed to myself just to keep other people out. I felt like the only people I could trust was my mom, older sister, and brother. I was so scared that if I opened myself up again that I was going to get hurt for years. It wasn't until I was in high school at the age of 16 and met a guy that I thought was a good man until I started to open up. But then I shortly learned after only eight days of being together that it was a huge mistake...

Being Raped

As mentioned before, I was only 16-years-old when this incident occurred. Since I pretty much stayed to myself growing up, I didn't realize that this guy was playing me. He was bullied by other females but I didn't quite understand why at first. I just thought maybe it was because they wanted to be with him, but he turned them down just because I know there are females out there like that. Well, we started dating and when my mom met him, she didn't like him. She would always tell me that there was something off about him and that she couldn't quite understand what it was but she could tell by her feelings that they were bad.

Well, I just ignored her because I thought she was just saying that because I was the baby in the family. After just eight days of dating, my step-father let me go to his house when it was just him and one of his sister’s home. We started making out and he wanted to go further. I told him no and I thought he was okay with my answer because he dropped the subject. Well, we were watching a movie and cuddling. After a while, we started making out again and that's when everything changed.

He started to take off my clothes and I kept telling him to stop. But he just kept trying and trying until he had me pinned on his bed, taking my clothes off. I kept telling him no and to please stop but he wasn't listening. I told him repeatedly that it hurt and wasn't right but still he wasn't listening. I remember crying during it, begging him to stop.

After what seemed like hours, it was finally over. I remember leaving his house crying while running home, wondering what I was going to do and what I was going to tell my parents. I got home and went straight to my room and started to shut the world out again. The next day at school, the guy broke up with me and said it was because he knew that my family, especially my brother, didn't like him. No one in my family knew what happened for a while.

It happened on April 25 and I didn't tell my family until May 8. I was sitting at the computer desk crying when my brother found me. He asked me what was wrong and I just said nothing. He wouldn't let it go because he said I've been acting differently and he knows there's a reason why. Well, I eventually gave in and told him I haven't started my period yet and what happened. He asked me if it was willing and I just shook my head no. He asked me who and I wouldn't answer him. He guessed and I just nodded my head and he stormed out of our place and went to the garage to tear things apart to get rid of anger.

I went over to my sister’s place after he left and she asked me why there were doors getting slammed and I told her it was because our brother was mad. She asked me why and I told her what I told him and she asked if Mom knew about it and I shook my head no. She pulled me into Mom’s room and woke her up just to have me tell her what happened. After she got up and had some time to wrap her head around what I told her, at first she was angry and asked me why I didn't say anything sooner. I started crying again, telling her I was scared that she would hate me and she pulled me into a hug, telling me she doesn't hate me, she just hates that I didn't tell her sooner because I already washed all the evidence off.

She took me down to a place where I got a pregnancy test done and had me tell them what happened. While we were waiting for results, they asked me if I would like to get the police involved and I told them no. They asked me why not. I just told them because it wouldn't do any good. They just gave me a weird look so I explained further that I know I wasn't his first victim and that a part of me knows he's going to do it again. Honestly, I just wanted to move on from the situation. I wanted and needed nothing more from him.

Next thing I know, I'm having nightmares again, one from what happened to me when I was younger and the other kept popping up every time I start to forget about him and tried to move on from what he did to me. I missed so much school because I tried so hard to avoid him, but that was hard to do when we went to the same school. Thankfully, he was a grade higher than me so my last year in high school wasn't so bad. He still messages me here and there, trying to come back into my life and acts like nothing happened. As far as he's concerned, what he did wasn't so bad and that I was the best thing that happened to him. Every time he sends me a message saying all of that, I just get angry all over again. Not just at him, but at myself too. I still partially blame myself for what happened and not saying anything sooner.

I am now 23-years-old and I thought my life was going great. I was working all the time and feeling really good about myself and everything I was accomplishing. I also decided to hang out with someone who I thought was a friend and I thought I knew very well when I was sadly raped again. I’ve been talking to this guy on and off for about three or four years online and we finally decided to meet up in person on October 12 of this year. We hung out at my place because he told me that he had to spend the previous night in jail because he just became homeless and had nowhere to go so I was going to offer him a place to stay with me and my family (again, I thought I knew him well enough and I tried to be a good friend).

Well he came over around 9:30 P.M. and I was watching Netflix when he first showed up. His profile said he was 21-years-old and he even told me he was 21-years-old, but he looks like he could’ve been around late 20s or early 30s. We sat down on my bed and he was asking me questions about myself and I answered him as I continued to watch Netflix. It started off as him laying down and he kept pulling me towards him telling me to lay with him and I kept telling him to stop and that I didn’t want to lay down at the moment, but after a while it got very annoying, so I finally laid down next to him and his hands kept moving all over my body and I kept telling him to stop and that I didn’t like it. But, of course, he wasn’t listening.

Well, he slid his hand down my pants and kept telling me he just wanted to feel my body and that nothing was going to happen and I just rolled my eyes and told him to stop. Then he kept pulling my pants down as I kept pulling them back up and asked him what he was doing. He just got up and sat in front of me and told me that he just wanted to feel. I kept telling him to stop as I tried to pull my pants back up but of course with him being bigger and stronger than me, he got my pants off and started to rub me. I just closed my eyes and asked him if he could please stop as he started to unbutton and unzip his pants and he asked me why, because he thought I’d like it. I told him that it’s not that I didn’t like it I just don’t like him like that and that I didn’t want to have sex. He told me repeatedly as he was still rubbing me that we weren’t going to have sex and honestly all I could think of was what happened when I was 16-years-old.

Next thing I remember was he was on top of me, holding me down with his body and put himself inside of me and started moving. I asked him I thought he said we weren’t going to have sex and he didn’t respond. He just kept moving for a while and then told me to flip over on my stomach as he personally flipped me over and forced himself back into me as I was still telling him to stop. All I could think about through all of this was how I just had a procedure done recently to remove a lesion from my cervix and had testing done that soon came back positive for stage 1 pre-cervical cancer and I was scared that he would reopen the wound and how I’d explain how it happened.

After he was done with me on my stomach, he flipped me back over and basically climbed over me to place himself in my mouth while my hands were forced on my bed. And he stayed like that for a while, asking me the whole time if I liked it. When he was done with that he sat back on my bed and told me to ride him. I told him no and he just gave me a look that terrified me and reminded me even more about the first time I was raped, and I didn’t want to risk him hitting me and forcing me even more so I did as he said and we stayed that way until after he finished.

After he was finished, I just got up and put my clothes back on and just sat on my bed numb. He told me that he was going to go to the store and that he’d be back over and then left my room. After he left, I messaged a couple of my friends freaking out and not sure what to do. I couldn’t stop crying and shaking. After talking to a couple of people, I decided to go to the hospital and I asked a very good friend of mine if he could take me to the hospital. He asked me what happened and I told him. So, he came and picked me up to take me to the hospital so I could get a rape kit done and get a report in of the incident. On our way to the hospital, there were no words exchanged. When we were sitting in the waiting room, I kept telling my friend sorry for bugging him and that I’m sure that’s not how he wanted to spend his night because he had to work the next morning. He told me it was fine and not to worry about it.

After what felt like hours, they finally called me back to talk to a sexual assault specialist and I had to tell her what happened as she wrote it down and did the tests and took evidence. Then with my permission, she called the police so I could get a report in. When the police showed up, I told them what I just told the specialist and they took pictures of our messages, of him, and of his number and told me that they will put my statement in. Then they went to my house while I was still at the hospital to take pictures of the scene and they also took my blanket it happened on for evidence as well.

I went to the hospital around midnight and I couldn’t leave until after 5:30 A.M. when all the tests got done. They gave me a couple shots and gave me other medications to help fight off any STDs that could’ve been caught. Well I had to take a couple weeks off of work because of the medication making me sick and they wanted me to take it easy for a while so my body can heal from everything. I had to call and make an appointment to see my family doctor for results and an update. Well after having to reschedule my appointment, my mind couldn’t relax about my results, so I called the hospital and they told me everything came back negative and how I got very lucky because of everything that’s going around.

But honestly even after being told all that all my tests came back good my depression started to come back bad. I remember I kept asking myself why this could happen to me again? Why did this man do this to me when I was just telling him I would only be a friend and help him out? It made so many of my trust issues come back. It’s getting harder and harder for me to trust and open up to someone because of being raped again. What makes it even harder is that this man continues to come into my work when I’m there and still tries to message me. I remember talking to the police a couple weeks ago about something else that was going on with a different man who was basically threatening me online and telling me how I deserve to get raped and how I’m just a white trash hoe and how he was going to show up at my house with a gun and shoot anyone who is in the house. The police officer told me that there was nothing they could do about it because since it’s over the internet they can’t prove that it’s actually that guy sending me the messages, but to keep evidence if it continues to happen or if he shows up at my house and I feel threatened.

My brother asked him what they are going to do about the guy who raped me because of how I feel uncomfortable and unsafe at my job because he continues to go in there and was just in there the previous night. The police officer said that that’s another hard thing to prove because even if it went to court it’s still a he-said-she-said thing. That frustrated both my brother and I because I didn’t do anything the first time I was raped but decided to do something this time and this officer made it appear to be pointless to try and get justice. So, my brother took me out of town for the night so I’d feel safer and actually be able to sleep no problem because I wasn’t anywhere they could find me.

I’ve been missing a lot of work lately and I know I’m probably risking losing my job and I feel terrible about that. I know I shouldn’t let what happened to me affect my work that much but honestly, it’s getting so hard going into work anymore with the guy who raped me coming in almost every night. People ask me how they even let him come in the store and I tell them that unless he starts something on property or I get a restraining order against him, the only thing that my managers can do is come up and take over the register when he comes through. That’s it. And as much as it sucks, I keep trying to push through my fear and be there for my job because it’s getting around that time of year when we are our busiest but just the thought of the man coming into the store makes me throw up. But I keep trying to fight. I keep trying to be strong, for myself and for all of those men and women who have been raped.

Dealing With It Today

After being both molested and raped, I fought with anger issues and having really bad panic and anxiety attacks for so long. I would start pushing people away after a while when things start looking good. I always messed good things up before someone else had the chance to. I would bottle things up inside me for so long and lash out on people I had close to me like family and friends who were like family.

But after a while, I started watching Tyler Perry's movies and it was those movies that taught me to forgive people. Not for them, but for myself. Because in almost all of his movies he has one of my favorite quotes, "You have to forgive people. Not for them but for yourself. Because the longer you're angry at them you are giving them power of your life. Because while they are out there enjoying their life, you are just holding on to the anger and suffering that they gave you."

It was in that moment I realized I needed help, so I started buying self-help books dealing with depression and anxiety. I also decided to further my education and study psychology in school so I can become a therapist or psychologist so I can help other people out. I want to help those people who feel alone in this world. I didn't like how I felt growing up and if I can help people not feel the way I did that would mean so much to me.

There's so much anger and hatred in this world that if I can do something to help people, even just a little bit, then I would be that much happier. Because even in my darkest moments, even when I'm fighting my depression and I feel like I'm losing the battle, nothing makes me feel better then helping others. It's the best thing I can see that came out of what happened to me.

I feel like I am that much stronger. So, if anyone feels like no one knows how you feel about what happened, just remember you're not alone. There are books out there that if you truly want help they will work. I am also one of those people that if you ever feel like you need to talk about anything, I will listen and try to help as much as I can.

feminism
Loie Swanger
Loie Swanger
Read next: The State
Loie Swanger

I'm 23 years old. I love reading and writing in my free time. I also love singing and always dreamed of becoming a model or singer. My family and friends are very important to me. I'm over half native american. I love animals. Very friendly

See all posts by Loie Swanger