Boys Will be Boys (because we let them)

A young girl is standing with her friends on the playground during recess. Out of nowhere, one of the boys in her class runs by and pushes her and then takes off. When the little girl gets upset she’s told, “it’s okay. He only did it because he likes you.” Suddenly, she is the envy of all the other kindergarten girls. They want a boy to push them, too.

Six years later the girl is riding the bus home from fifth grade. A boy from her class likes to sit in the seat in front of her so he can turn around and tease her. Again, she gets upset. And again they tell her, “it’s okay. He only does it because he likes you.”

Flash forward another six years. That same girl is on the ground, looking up at the boyfriend who just threw her there. He stands above her and tells her, “I only do this because I like you.” She tells him that it’s okay. Because that’s what they told her.

Somewhere along the line we started teaching our sons that that it’s okay to shove someone down on the playground as long as you like them. We started teaching our daughters to be flattered, not outraged when a boy teases them. In essence, we’ve taught our kids that aggression equals affection.

Who decided that? Who was the first person to tell their daughter that hair pulling and name calling was a sign of courtship? And why have we continued to perpetuate this idea for all these years?

The rationale seems to be that “boys will be boys”. We impress upon them that it’s okay to push and tease the girl you like when you are young, but at some point that behavior is no longer acceptable. And we expect them to know at what point that changes. Just as we expect our girls to know at what point they should stop feeling flattered by that behavior and start feeling offended. At what age does that change happen? And how are they supposed to know?

Early on we give our daughters this idea that a boy’s affection is more important than her self respect and feelings. That as long as he likes you, you shouldn’t make a fuss. The repercussions of this concept extend far past their school days.

Take the group of girls having drinks at the bar, for example. One of them catches the eye of a stranger across the room. He approaches the group and engages her in conversation, eventually wrapping an uninvited arm around her waist. Instead of being outraged, she is supposed to be complimented. And when that stranger’s hand starts moving lower down her back, she’s expected to be happy that he finds her so attractive.

Or how about the woman who walks down the street listening to a man make crude comments about her body. Since a young age she’s been taught to ignore these things. Even now they tell her, “pretend you are on your phone. Don’t engage him.”

The expectation is that such transgressions be met with understanding and acceptance. And if a woman does choose to speak up, she’s called uptight or a bitch. Or a feminist, which seems to be a word that gets thrown around anytime a female stands up for herself. But isn’t this what we taught our girls when they were young? You should be complimented that this boy put his hands on you; it means he likes you.

February was teen dating violence awareness month. (TDVAM). Statistics show that one in three teens will experience physical, sexual, or emotional abuse at the hands of a romantic partner. In a class of 21 kids that’s pretty much the entire front row.

This is not a racial issue. This is not a religious or economic issue. This is a societal issue that needs to be addressed as such. We see these this happening and what do we do? We get mad. We get sad. We set up memorials and foundations in the name of those who have fallen victim to dating violence. We name months and movements after the issue, hoping to bring awareness to it. But we don’t talk about the root of the problem. There is this horrible stereotype that assumes these boys are just born aggressive. That these girls are just born without enough self esteem to stand up for themselves. We don’t look at the part we play in making them this way. We need to look at the message we are sending our kids from a young age, and as a society we need to change.

Let’s start teaching our sons the right way to act when they like a girl. And let’s start teaching our daughters that the guy who likes her isn’t the one who pushes her to the ground, it’s the one that helps her up.