Whelp... this post is NOT going to be comfortable for everyone to read.
Today I'm going to be talking about contraceptives.
Judge me as you wish, but for years I allowed fear to keep me from ever going to the gynecologist. I was afraid of anyone probing me and allowing myself to be penetrated by anything or anyone other than my husband or a sex toy. I had heard stories of how uncomfortable women were after a pap smear; plus, just the terminology in itself was enough for me to avoid it. Pap SMEAR... what exactly are you smearing onto my vagina or up inside of me?! There's already blood and mucus that comes out of me for roughly 60 days out of the year, I don't want a stranger up there causing more crap to fall out! THANKS!
However, since my abortion, it's been necessary to have doctors checking in on things... down there. I was put on the pill by the doctor who gave me my abortion, and I had never been on any kind of birth control (yes, I know... I was VERY irresponsible... and delusional. Moving on).
Because I was already dealing with a great deal of shame, anxiety, and guilt from the abortion, taking the pill made things SO MUCH worse. This is a drug that attempts to "regulate" my body through hormones. It forces a menstrual cycle different from that of what my body tries to regulate NATURALLY. As I said in a previous post, my cycle used to be more regular than the 9 o'clock news. It directly affected my mood, state of mind, stamina, etc. I experienced such deep depression that I contemplated suicide. I found it to be a chore just to leave the apartment or to even get dressed in the morning, and I constantly cried. Then, when I finally DID get my "period," it was so forced and unnatural that I doubt my body even released an egg to truly call it a period.
I finally recognized that the pill was contributing greatly to how I was feeling, so I ceased taking it after about a month. TWO DAYS later my body had a NATURAL period and I didn't feel like I was being suppressed by negative emotions. My mind cleared up and I wasn't so depressed.
*Side note = if you forget to take your pill for even ONE day, the entire cycle/system is fucked up. Yup. Oh, and if you forget for more than two days... guess what?! You might need to start all over again!
Needless to say, I QUICKLY found out that the pill was not the form of birth control for me. I've always known that I don't want kids, so I thought to myself, "Just take the option away! FUCK!" So I spoke to my gynecologist about getting surgically sterilized. She immediately said, "You're a little young for that," and recommended instead an IUD.
Allow me to hit the PAUSE button after this encounter. I have been told throughout my life, by other people, what I want. I have been disregarded due to my age. I have been told that I will change my mind. I am not a teenager. I didn't have unprotected sex with a boyfriend I'd only been with for two months. I wasn't afraid that my parents were going to kick me out of the house because I was going to be a pregnant teenager. NO. I've been married for over 8 years and in that time (and BEFORE), I knew that being a mom just wasn't my desire. I had already had ONE abortion, I didn't want to have to go through it again. So being told that I couldn't have something done because of my age was both condescending and disheartening because now I still have to be concerned about this possibly happening AGAIN all because someone else made a choice FOR ME.
So, since my doctor "knows what's best for me" and wanted me to have an option that was reversible, I was given the "choice" between a hormonal IUD or a non-hormonal IUD. For those who don't know what they are, here's a brief breakdown:
I went with the non-hormonal, given how bad my experience was with hormones on the pill.
Some time later, I found myself waiting for my gynecologist (panty-less) for half an hour to get this IUD inserted. I didn't even get to see ANYTHING that was about to go into my UTERUS for X amount of years. Now keep in mind that when a woman has sex with a man, the penis doesn't go past the vagina.
So it's kind of unnatural to have something go past that clear BARRIER (the cervix) where foreign items are not supposed to be... not to mention, painful.
Along with NOT SEEING what was going into me, the insertion felt like it was going all the way up into my gut.
*Side note = I know women can push past some pain during sex because it hurts so good, but this experience was just straight pain.
During the process I told my doctor twice that it was painful, which I guess she really couldn't do anything about, and she had to just continue in order to successfully finish the procedure. I may be over-exaggerating because I've never had to go through this before, but during the process, I remember asking myself, "Is this what it feels like to get raped? I have to stay still, there's nothing to be done if I'm in pain, and it seems violating." I understand that it's not a fair comparison, but I'm trying to prove a point.
I still had cramps and bleeding from my IUD a week later. One morning, I was in so much pain that when my 6 lb. cat pounced on my gut, I actually curled into a ball and cried. I was so upset that I had to go through this just because my body was CAPABLE of producing children. Forget the fact that I'd rather NOT have them, but were these really my only options? To either pump my body full of so many hormones that I would no longer be myself, or to have a device shoved so far up my vagina that it feels like it's going into my intestines, or to have some other forms of contraceptives that are less effective? Really? THIS IS 2018 FOR GOD SAKES! Do better!
If modern medicine and technology can CLONE HUMAN ORGANS, they can fucking create a form of contraception that doesn't involve a shit-ton of hormones or vaginally violating a woman, and is just as effective as having a woman's tubes tied! Hey world, get on that. Thanks.