Betrayed By My Body

Trigger warning: miscarriages

It starts with taking multiple ovulation tests a day, tracking my LH levels, documenting and obsessing over every detail. Then comes the two week wait before I can begin to start taking pregnancy tests, but I don’t wait the two weeks and start taking tests at five DPO waiting to see that second line appear. Thirteen DPO and there it is, March’s cycle was successful!

I don’t stop there though, I continue to test for two weeks watching the lines get darker, waiting for that dye stealer that never seems to come. I try not to worry because I still have two lines, its sinking in that I am pregnant. Now the symptoms are here, that’s a good sign, right? My boobs are sore, my back aches, I am exhausted, the tacos I was looking forward to eat all day now are unappetizing. Everything seems to be going well, I am doing everything right to protect my little jelly bean, doing my part in keeping them healthy and helping them thrive and grow.

Today’s my first OB appointment, I was excited but today I woke up spotting. The doctor told me to not worry, spotting is normal at six weeks pregnant. I try to stay calm but it’s so difficult to do when I have already lost two other babies before. I am already expecting the worst.

It’s the next morning now and I woke up to more spotting, my breast no longer hurt, I am experiencing cramping. I try to stay hopeful, but I have been in this spot before. I know what to expect but I go to the hospital, holding on to the tiniest bit of hope. I hear the words I have heard before. My HCG levels are extremely low and there is no heartbeat. What did I do wrong? Why is this happening to me again?

I drive home alone, trying to fight the tears. My heart knows this pain all too well. I park in an abandoned lot and let the tears streak my cheeks, I want to yell but no sound comes out. I blame myself, I’m afraid to go home and tell my husband the news I know he isn’t expecting to hear, he told me I’d be fine, he told me our baby was okay. Will he blame me too? It’s hard to pull myself together but I have to drive home.

I break the news to my husband apologizing but he tells me this isn’t my fault. How can I not blame myself when my body keeps rejecting my babies, when every pregnancy soon turns into a loss. I feel let down, less of a woman, I feel worthless. I feel like I let my husband down, will he leave me for someone else who can give him more babies?

I hate my body, I hate myself. I feel betrayed. It’s so easy to fall pregnant but no matter all the right things I do, all the precautions I take my body just fails me in the end. It feels unfair, it destroys me mentally. People don’t help either, always seeming to say the wrong things even though they think they mean well. “Well at least you can get pregnant.” “You should be thankful for the child you already have.” “You didn’t need another child anyways.”

Miscarriage’s suck. They aren’t taken seriously; people think my babies don’t matter because I was only four or six weeks along in my losses. But they don’t understand both the love I felt the moment two lines appeared, nor do they understand the grief I am experiencing and have experienced two other times. Its lonely, depressing, it just hurts. It takes a toll on my husbands and mine relationship when we so badly want another baby and it just wont happen.

I wish I hated my body because I felt too fat, or ugly, or for any other reason, but instead I’m full of hatred for my body because it keeps rejecting my babies.