Being a nasty woman

When I was a little girl, I was told I could be anything. This may have been communicated literally or culturally, through books, media, television, commercials, and glossy ads of little girls dressed up as superheros. After all, legal barriers for women were mostly reformed, technically speaking, and sexual harassment was of course illegal. Technically. So yes, I could be whatever I want when I grow up. An astronaut at NASA! Even President!

I grew up amongst the Girl Power pop-culture movement, With heroines such as Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Spice Girls, women were strong, powerful, and capable of world domination. And that sounded great, as the image was portrayed in fiction. So I went to college; at the time women were entering and graduating at a higher rate than their male equivalents. After college, I entered the work place unaware of the unspoken barriers which existed. Now even as a child, I predicted we would have a black male president before we would ever have a female president. The barriers against women were not something I was totally naive to. However, to the masses, and even to me, the pitfalls women experience in life, both professionally and socially are more numerous than we were lead to believe.

Now we live in an age where we balance the “Me Too” movement with excusing “locker room talk,” such as President Trump's quote as a man, when attracted to beautiful women, they just start kissing them. And they can’t help it. It’s like a magnet. They just kiss, they don’t wait. And what’s even better is when those white men are stars, women “let” them do it. White male stars can do anything. Even grab ’em by the pussy. They can do anything.

As a women who was raised to think I could do anything – be anything – standing up to sexual harassment, rape, or even voicing my opinion is not part of that “anything” without fear of harassment and retaliation. Forget the glass ceiling or the fact there are more men named John who run S&P 1500 firms then women all together. Sure, you know that one random women who defied the odds. The issue is you know that ONE women. And we know those armies of men. But again, I digress. This is not about the glass ceiling, albeit relevant. A 2017 Amnesty International poll showed 76% of women changed the way they used social media after being harassed, for example. But, wait. I am confused. I thought women can be anything. As long as anything is not even as mundane and limited to having a voice.

Have I been attacked before? Absolutely. I have been sexually harassed in the work place, retaliated against for reporting harassment, told I encouraged it, and in subsequent years touched, groped, cornered, dehumanized, and mansplained more times then I can even count, even by men who I would have thought progressive and receptive to feminist oriented issues. What’s more, you would think men who are not cretins – not to be confused with Cretans – would be receptive to feedback regarding mansplaining, privilege, and encounters which make women feel uncomfortable, but I have often been surprised. Somtimes, the male ego can crumble like an eggshell, which is where we get terms like “male fragility,” similar to white fragility. Allow me to mansplain this for you before I ask if you know what I am talking about, wait for your answer, and tell you the answer regardless:

White Fragility: discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about racial inequality and injustice.

Male Fragility: discomfort and defensiveness on the part of a white person when confronted by information about gender inequality and injustice.

You know the saying insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results? Let’s suck on that for a moment and think about how this pertains to feminist issues. When met with discomfort and defensiveness, women may choose to discontinue; this could be related to doing their jobs, progressing in their careers, commenting on the world around them, or even responding. And trust me, I am a nasty woman, and there are plenty of times I verbally shut down because I say to myself: “what is the damn point? I will not be heard and this will just result in conflict.” And that sucks. That fucking sucks. Sucking on that sucks. But here we are. Public figures, such as President Trump have influenced some men into thinking they are the victims in modern society. Pointing out someone’s privilege can sometimes be equated to walking on fragile eggshells. Will they be receptive? Open to the perspective of a little lady such as myself? Or will they become defensive, crumble, and treat me like a nasty woman.

Sometimes I think the only way to not be attacked is to not talk at all. Smile pretty for the camera, post pictures of what you baked or cooked, your children, and slip into the background in a way which does not differentiate your thinking from that of a doornail. But doornails are fucking sharp and will cut you if you step out of line. And while yes, I have certainly sat, observed, and felt voicing my opinion is futile, even to those who care about me, I remain committed to taking up space and being heard. In a world where strong vocal women receive death threats, rape threats, and a plethora of other harassment to the point they “ignore it because that is part of life,” we cannot just keep our heads down and keep going. I have a daughter. She deserves better. Some of us are too at capacity to fight. Thats fair. Others, willing to fight sometimes need to tap out too. I’ve been there. I choose my battles from time to time. But the fact remains I am in the fight. I do have opinions. I do not like to be talked at, mansplained, or grabbed by the fucking pussy. I can smile pretty, bake from time to time, and also call you out on your bullshit. As Buffy the Vampire Slayer once said, “the hardest thing in this world is to live in it,” and boy, that bitch was right. Day after day, month after month, and year after year, we learn to survive. Men. Women. Black. White. We learn to exist, cope, and work through our various levels of oppression and privilege. But in the same way I try to listen, respect opinions, and use my white privilege to magnify black voices, particularly female black voices, I expect the same in return from men. And I’ve got a nasty girl message for those fragile men out there:

I know life may have told you the same: you can get anything, do anything, and be anything. Many of the pitfalls to accomplishing those tasks may not be there. And maybe you still fell short. Maybe you chose couch sitting, video game playing, tennis, golf, and all the other “me time” activities because modern life said you could or should. If you choose to be a cretin and think you are the victim in modern society, perhaps at least admit you are a misogynist. It will make it easier for us little ladies to discern. Otherwise *asking nicely while smiling pretty and showing some cleavage* look, listen, try to expand your privileged thinking to understand you don’t understand. Try empathy. And lastly, really, if you grab me by the pussy, I’m going to stab you with a doornail.