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Because I Wanted It At First

It’s All My Fault

By VikingIndiePublished 4 years ago 4 min read
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A Series Of What The Fuck

I think I lost my mind, I think I lost my passion, and somewhere in time I think I lost myself too. Sitting in a bathtub with my face in my hands, tears streaming down my face. I was shaking, but honestly the worst part was that I was confused. I didn’t know what he had done to my body until two weeks later. I told myself that I wanted it, and I even lied and told my friends that it was the best sex I ever had.

I think I lost my clarity, I think I lost my self worth, and what still kills me is that I lost my will to live. I started to wear baggier clothing so that my curves didn’t catch the mans eye, I stopped wearing makeup because I didn’t want to seem like I was trying to be seen. I stopped leaving the house, and then I stopped smiling.

I remember him coming over, just like the both of us planned. We exchanged sexual banter back and forth just an hour before. Now he was lying in the bed next to me, and I was at the other end with my legs dangling off of the edge. Not a single sexual action had taken place yet I was already afraid. But I didn’t ask him to leave. I didn’t tell him that I changed my mind.

Suddenly, he grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest, covering my lips in wet hungry kisses that made me feel sick to my stomach. I smiled nervously and let him continue to lie me down on my back, just hungrily running his curious hands down the side of my body.

His clothes were off in seconds, and I just kept mine on, nervously glancing at the door as if I were thinking about leaving the room. See, my best friend was out there and she’d come to my rescue if I ran to her. Wouldn’t she? Before I had time to think, he tore my clothes off like I was prey.

He forced his face between my thighs, and every time I tried to close them, he kept preying my legs back open. But maybe he just thought that I was playing hard to get because sex can be confusing and sometimes girls want to be wrestled like a bear. But I will never forget the way he kept nibbling at me.

When the pain got too heavy my body sprang into action without me, a reflex maybe? I shoved his head, firmly saying “no, this doesn’t feel good.” But do you think he stopped, or do you think he shoved my hand aside and continued to taste me? Eating me alive.

When he rose above me, his eyes were so hungry that my body quaked. I didn’t know what to say. So I let him pound me. Or at least I thought that I was letting him. His large body slamming into my tiny frame while I screamed at the top of my lungs. And no, not moaning. I was straight up wake-up-the-neighbors screaming.

My best friend never came. She never busted in like she promised. At one point I remember him pausing to edit the condom, and I tried to escape. We were in doggy style position now, but I only moved because he literally picked me up and flipped my body over, which he did so aggressively that he didn’t consider that I had a head which was forced underneath my body. I was afraid that he’d break my neck.

As I slowly crawled away while he was distracted, he suddenly noticed that I was crawling away from him, and he grabbed my ankle and dragged me back. I can remember it so clearly that it could’ve been this morning, as he leaned down beside my ear and asked “where the fuck do you think you’re going?” I said nothing as he placed himself back inside of me and used my body like a toy while I screamed as loud as I could.

And no one, there were two other women in that fucking house, and no one ever came to save me. So I told myself that I liked it. I told myself that maybe I liked him too. Then he ghosted me, and I cried for 2 hours in the shower because a part of me was relieved but another part of me was now fully aware of what he’d done.

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About the Creator

VikingIndie

just want to rant about some injustices I’ve experienced, and I hope I can find some people who know how I can right these wrongs.

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