Advice for Women: Don't Perceive Men

The man sitting in the largest Zoom box on my screen made his disposition clear- he had two sons, enjoyed hunting and fishing, and valued the input of my male peers more than that of anyone else. I had been shot down and ignored, only to be overshadowed by Brent or Kyle repeating my answer a few seconds later.

This was the patriarchy in action.

The internship training program was a grueling, two week process designed to help college grads understand the American insurance system. Needless to say, I didn't last long in the business.

Our trainer was a large, blonde man who intimidated the shit out of me. Already overwhelmed and overworked, I wasn’t sure if my only opportunity for a full-time career would culminate as I struggled to remember which cancer patients we denied coverage to and which ones qualified. He made me feel stupid, and I began asking less questions out loud, questioning my own strength and intelligence instead.

I began slumping onto my bed after work, depressed and overpowered into silence by the long hours of invalidation. My girlfriend assured me I wasn’t learning at a slow pace, but I studied after work and had nightmares about the auditing tests. Sheencouraged me, trying to make me realize how little this training mattered in the grand scheme of things.

I began to think of the grand scheme of things.

This guy isn’t my boss. I don’t even like this job that much, who says I’ll keep it? What does this guy know that I don’t know, besides insurance? I’m sure I’m smarter than him.

I saw a TikTok describing how men live inside the patriarchy, never bothering to lift the veil of masculine security off of their chosen reality. They live in a world created by men for men. I don’t live in that misogynist society, though. I choose to live free from the male expectation of women. I do not identify as a woman defined by men. I do not identify as a female defined by male sexual desires.

Boom.

These men define women as they relate to themselves. I refuse. And this refusal means I don’t have to bend myself into my trainer’s ideation of women to which he teaches insurance. This refusal means the negative connotation my trainer is placing upon me, the value he is giving to my male peers over my female peers, does not affect me. As he refuses to see me, I refuse to see him.

I don’t define myself as a woman defined by the patriarchy. I identify as a lesbian. I am a person free from the labels dished by an aging patriarchy. I am a strong headed, quick, independent, free woman who doesn’t even think about men unless I absolutely must.

So why am I giving this trainer on my Zoom calls any of my energy, letting him drain my power and forcing myself to fit into his decrepit, skewed version of “females” and their subordination to the patriarchy?

The next training session went much smoother.

I was instantly happier. I had more energy, and kissed my girlfriend after bouncing away from my computer each day. I hadn’t even realized how much I was giving to this week of training, to this trainer, and to my presence in the class. It wasn’t all due to my womanhood, I’m sure, but releasing the unspoken responsibility I had taken on in not disrupting this man’s view of the world made my time at work better. It’s made my life a little easier, too.

The funniest thing is that he didn’t notice a change in my behavior, a change in my reactions toward him, or the boost in my confidence when I answered his pop quiz questions. I went through my own small phenomenon of smashing the patriarchy, and he continued seeing me through a veil. That’s fine. I stopped paying him any mind.

All women can benefit from this strategy of living in a male-centered world. It’s a good practice to assess where our critics are coming from in the first place, but in instances of misogyny or sexism in the workplace, learning environment, or social settings, reframing men in this lens can give women the calculated confidence needed to survive in a masculine society.

Preserve your feminine strength over everything. Especially over men who don’t see you as you.

I’m all for fixing a queen’s tiara and not letting the world know it was tilted in the first place. I’ll be damned if I go on letting men who think they’re kings swat mine off my head for the power they have given themselves.