A Modest Proposal

For preventing members of the working classes in the United States,

From getting safe and legal access to bothersome abortions,

Which are, in truth, a total mood killer.

By the Supreme Court of the United States of America

It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great town, or travel in the country, when they see the abortion clinics crowded with those beggars in possession of uteri (followed by a multitude of righteous evangelical protestors) importuning every passing nurse for a procedure. These would-be mothers, instead of being able to bear their children with quiet dignity, are instead inclined to annihilate their helpless infants who, as they grow up, might do a multitude of things beneficial to the publick good. They could, for instance, grow up to be great artists (those weird NFT drawings of monkeys in human clothes won’t create themselves)! They could be amongst the last generation of climate change deniers before the permafrost melts! They might be landlords, or one day donate a kidney to Elon Musk to keep him alive past the age of 204.

We have been assured by various experts in a plethora of medical and childcare fields, that once a baby has exited the uterus, it is essentially of no concern to anyone. What business is it of the state if a child born in impoverished circumstances lacks access to basic necessities, elementary education, or the bare-minimum in matters of healthcare? As far as we are concerned life begins at conception and ends at birth.

Many other advantages might be enumerated. If a baby is aborted before it has a chance to be born, it will never be able to appreciate Wagner, or make inappropriate memes about Pete Davidson. What kind of world would that be? The Highest Court in the Land would also like to take this opportunity to remind you that some of your favorite people started off as babies (Oprah Winfrey was once a fetus, and so was David Bowie)! To say nothing of the fact that a widespread abortion ban will make it easier for modern audiences to relate to their favorite fictional television shows, from The Handmaid’s Tale, to Black Mirror.

We think it is agreed by all parties, that this historical overturning of Roe v. Wade should not impact the lives of affluent, respectable white individuals. That would be frankly unseemly. For this reason, the Supreme Court has decided that under capitalism, anyone rich enough to catch a plane to a neighboring blue state should be able to get a quick, super legal abortion.

Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of women who will somehow, against all logic, have fewer rights than their mothers did only a generation before. To this, we would simply suggest that any disgruntled millennials or gen-Zers of child bearing age funnel their frustration into making a tiktok, or something.

We can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that access to abortion is as much a class and race issue as it is a matter of mysoginy. After all, those belonging to the upper echelons of society will have the resources to delete their fetuses while the poor and disenfranchised will be forced to carry their unwanted infants to term. Those callously averse to our good and decent proposal might additionally cite the fact that the maternal mortality rate among black women is nearly triple that of their white counterparts. It would seem as though the United States government and health system has repeatedly demonstrated it does not care about black women. To that we are forced to say, Yikes! If this kind of blatant systemic injustice bothers you, why don’t you make an infographic, or something! This generation loves infographics.

We profess in the sincerity of our hearts, that we have not the least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of our white-supremacist, fascist little country, by providing for unborn infants, and giving some pleasure to the extremely religious right. We are all well past child-bearing age, and many of us are men, with no dog in this fight. But what better way to celebrate mother’s day, than to force a multitude of resistant people to become parents against their wills?